
Sunday
The day the time went ahead one hour. The day i went out for lunch at Donner. As i do usually on Sundays. The day i walked through town, observing people walking by. The day i went to the launderette and got the laundry of my landlord. The day i mopped the floor upstairs.
The sun is shining. Some trees are blooming. The pink blossoms are already fallen down.
The past week i felt not good. The work i do currently is good, yes. But not to my liking. I want to be free. I want to be free to work on my website, to make videos, to photograph, to make drawings. To write about the world.
It is not so.
Yesterday i felt i should give up working. To just leave it behind.
I won’t do that – not suddenly, not without something to go towards.
But it does give me something to think about. For three years i have been doing this work. Just as an in between phase. To learn something. To work for people who need their houses cleaned up.
The past week i thought about my life. My earliest memory which came back to me in a dream. The drawings i made in 1986. The same drawings i gave to Green Gartside in 2016.
My life isn’t a straight line story. I sold my house seven years ago. I felt so stubborn at that time, so determined to make something of my life. So full of this work, here on this website.
I don’t feel the same way. I have changed, my life has changed. The world has changed. Everything is changing the whole time.
But the core of me is still the same. I don’t know what i want to do. I don’t know how to get ahead. To move into a better life for me.
Something in me keeps holding on to the dream i still have. The dream of finding something better, finding someone to love, finding friends with whom i can have talks about the world and the people living in it.
The world feels cold. I hope i can manage to find some warmth. I hope i can manage to make my life worth something more than it does now. To me, my life is all i have.
Salute!