Author Archives for Ellen

The whole wide world

Tuesday i went to the market and the library. In the library i read the papers. When i walked back home i met a friend. The next couple of hours we spend talking about all sorts of things: sex, our livelihood, friends, conflicts, people we both know.

The day before i had a talk with my current house boss. It was a good talk, he was clear minded and well spoken. He called me fatalistic, waiting for an accident sure to happen soon. I do not agree with him, but i do see his point.

I am getting closer to taking a new direction in my life. My money is running out. It is difficult to describe my feelings to other people. What do i really really want to do with my life? What matters the most to me? What sort of job would i like to work in? What makes my life worth living?

What would i enjoy doing? Singing! I know i’m not terribly good at it, but i love it. Dancing! I love to dance! I love to make videos, but content is hard to reach the past years. I love to talk. Plenty of things i love to do. But it is all not significant to other people. That is not a job they say. That is simply something you enjoy doing! But why should a job be different from the things you enjoy doing?

Yesterday evening i felt a happiness which filled me up right to the top. How come, while i have only enough money to last me a month or two. Am i crazy? Deluded?

I am alone. This gives me pros and cons. I do not need to give attention to anyone. I don’t get attention myself.

I am not the most beautiful woman in the world. I am not the smartest. I am not the most skilled woman. I may be an artist, i am not sure. I may be a singer, a dancer, a talker. I don’t know.

I am determined. I am not letting go. I do not give up.

‘The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.’

This step was taken a long time ago.

Source photo: Tao van Poeh, Benjamin Hoff

Published on May 20, 2022 at 6:00 by

Repeat I’m Not In Love

I’m not in love – 10CC
I’m not in love, so don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made

I’m not in love, no-no
(It’s because)

I like to see you, but then again
That doesn’t mean you mean that much to me
So if I call you, don’t make a fuss
Don’t tell your friends about the two of us

I’m not in love, no-no
(It’s because)

Be quiet, big boys don’t cry
Big boys don’t cry
Big boys don’t cry
Big boys don’t cry
Big boys don’t cry
Big boys don’t cry
Big boys don’t cry

I keep your picture upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain that’s lyin’ there
So don’t you ask me to give it back
I know you know it doesn’t mean that much to me

I’m not in love, no-no
(It’s because)

Ooh, you’ll wait a long time for me
Ooh, you’ll wait a long time
Ooh, you’ll wait a long time for me
Ooh, you’ll wait a long time

I’m not in love, so don’t forget it
It’s just a silly phase I’m going through
And just because I call you up
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’ve got it made, ooh

I’m not in love
I’m not in love

Published on May 19, 2022 at 6:00 by


This weekend the following youtube video was published: ‘Ideologie houdt ons gelukkig. Een gesprek met Marian Donner (Ideology keeps us happy. A talk with Marian Donner). Her new book De Grote Weigering (The Big Refusal) was the main focus of this talk. This book is for a large part based on the book One-Dimensional Man published by Herbert Marcuse in 1964. In this book he argues the following:

He argues that “advanced industrial society” created false needs, which integrated individuals into the existing system of production and consumption via mass media, advertising, industrial management, and contemporary modes of thought.

This results in a “one-dimensional” universe of thought and behavior, in which aptitude and ability for critical thought and oppositional behavior wither away. Against this prevailing climate, Marcuse promotes the “great refusal” (described at length in the book) as the only adequate opposition to all-encompassing methods of control. Much of the book is a defense of “negative thinking” as a disrupting force against the prevailing positivism.

It is very hard to realize this one-dimensionality. Most people see themselves are ordinary, ‘normal’, simply living their lives as they see fit. Picking their shopping each week, picking their apps and living with them, getting children or not, picking a partner, or a partner for a couple of years. Most people see themselves as an individual, with its own specific wishes and desires and wants and needs.

But of course most people are shaped through the same industrial society with its mass media, advertising, industrial management and contemporary modes of thought. Most people are extremely alike.

Published on May 17, 2022 at 6:00 by

Me and the world

It is difficult to keep my head straight. Get a job! Make some money! The past few weeks i’ve been caving in. Almost.

I’m sitting in the cellar. Right now i do the washing of my clothes in a bucket. I never thought things would become like this. I have some friends. One of them lets me stay in his house for free. A good friend.

I gotta keep my head straight. I gotta stay on track. I can not let go. Even though i sometimes wish i could. Get back to the safety of having money, having a house, having things to do i enjoy, giving dinners sometimes. Do not worry. Things are ok.

Things are not ok. I do worry.

It is so easy to forget the troubles of the world in this northwest corner of Europe. The changes in market values by sector state that coal, oil, fertilizers and weapons have shot up in value since the Ukrainian – Russian war began. 1 Is this world all about money? Is it?

Having money equals having power. Having money makes it able for someone to do things. To set up shop. To make things and sell them. Anything you want. Having money makes it possible for you to buy things. Clothes. All the food you desire. Computers. Smartphones. Kitchens. A new house. Anything you want.

I try to stay clear of buying anything i want. I do buy food. I could use some new underwear, but money is tight. I sometimes visit websites where they sell clothes and dream away. I will buy a new dress once i get a bit more cash. Yeah 🙂

I don’t feel alone. Weird of me to say. Because i am alone. We all are alone. We get lonelier by the minute. I feel i need to let go of something. Something that is close to me. My own individuation? My own feeling of myself? My own me?

I wonder what part i will play in the worlds play. Of course i do not know if i ever will. I am watching this world drama unfold, with all different people playing their part in it. I am curious about it. How it would feel, to be part of that story.

1. Source: Who’s Cashing in on the War in Ukraine? Fossil Fuel Firms and Agricultural Traders

Published on May 13, 2022 at 6:00 by

An Oath of Dogs

We all want to be unique. We cleave to the tiny things that define us as individuals. We rejoice in everything that marks us as beings different from all others, delighting in our free will. I believe that is what allows us to bring wrongdoing into the world.
from Meditations on the Meaning of Evil,
by MW Willams

Source: page 123, An Oath of Dogs, written by Wendy N Wagner

Published on May 12, 2022 at 6:00 by

Waiting (Nourishment)

5. Hsü / Waiting (Nourishment)


All beings have need of nourishment from above. But the gift of food comes in its own time, and for this one must wait. This hexagram shows the clouds in the heavens, giving rain to refresh all that grows and to provide mankind with food and drink. The rain will come in its own time. We cannot make it come; we have to wait for it. The idea of waiting is further suggested by the attributes of the two trigrams–strength within, danger in from. Strength in the face of danger does not plunge ahead but bides its time, whereas weakness in the face of danger grows agitated and has not the patience to wait.


WAITING. If you are sincere,
You have light and success.
Perseverance brings good fortune.
It furthers one to cross the great water.

Waiting is not mere empty hoping. It has the inner certainty of reaching the goal. Such certainty alone gives that light which leads to success. This leads to the perseverance that brings good fortune and bestows power to cross the great water. One is faced with a danger that has to be overcome. Weakness and impatience can do nothing. Only a strong man can stand up to his fate, for his inner security enables him to endure to the end. This strength shows itself in uncompromising truthfulness [with himself]. It is only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any sort of self-deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events, by which the path to success may be recognized. This recognition must be followed by resolute and persevering action. For only the man who goes to meet his fate resolutely is equipped to deal with it adequately. Then he will be able to cross the great water–that is to say, he will be capable of making the necessary decision and of surmounting the danger.


Clouds rise up to heaven:
The image of WAITING.
Thus the superior man eats and drinks,
Is joyous and of good cheer.

When clouds rise in the sky, it is a sign that it will rain. There is nothing to do but to wait until after the rain falls. It is the same in life when destiny is at work. We should not worry and seek to shape the future by interfering in things before the time is ripe. We should quietly fortify the body with food and drink and the mind with gladness and good cheer. Fate comes when it will, and thus we are ready.

Published on May 11, 2022 at 6:00 by

The garden at the back

Looking upwards through the bamboo
Small snail on a leaf
Kerria flower
The sky
Looks like a small broccoli, but it isn't
The sun
Light through the leaves
Sportsok, the cuddliest cat i know 🙂
Published on May 9, 2022 at 6:00 by