I just got home from my mom’s place. I stayed there from Thursday till Sunday. I love staying with her. I watched more television than usual at home. We went into the village on Saturday, into the small shopping centre on Friday. It was lovely.
I’m happy to say that i start to feel a bit better. Working is fine so far. I don’t make that much money, but i’m happy with what i have. I will look around for other jobs, but i’m a bit picky.
And then there is me. My old dreams seem a far far away distance. But they are not gone all together. It is partly fantasy. But there is also a grain of truth in there. Small, but still.
It is still impossible to completely let go of these dreams. Of me talking, of me doing things i enjoy doing.
The world feels so wrong. Let’s just hope for the best. Pray, wish, dream, talk. For the best.
A couple of months ago i made a huge error. I gave the address i lived in at the moment to someone of the municipality. I said i lived there for only three weeks. I didn’t pay anything for it. But still, a huge error. I ignored it for a while, but it came back to me.
I felt awful. For months. It is getting a bit better. I can see the circumstances are a big part of why i told the address to the person on the line. But still, shame shame shame. I should never have said it. It would have meant my application for welfare was not valid. In the end it has been denied anyway.
I’m in a vulnerable condition. No home, very little money. For the past four weeks i have worked, but i don’t make enough. I don’t have any debts. that is a good thing.
And then there is this little voice inside of me. Almost inaudible it whispers to me “you gotta go through this” – “there is light at the end of the tunnel”. I almost do not believe this little voice.
Be kind to yourself. A deep warm hug from me to you.
My fourth week of work starts tomorrow. My work of house care isn’t difficult, but i do need to get used to it. I’m happy i need to go to the place i need to clean. It makes my work varied. Sometimes i like the person who i am cleaning for, sometimes i’m indifferent. I don’t dislike anyone.
I’m still in an in between phase. I’m happy i found work to do, but that only goes up to a certain limit. After another month i will talk to the employment agency to check if there are other jobs more in my old line of work, like webmaster of somewhere related to front-end development.
There is this big difference i notice between reading books, newspapers and online news outlets and living in this world.
I am reading a book with the title De grote weigering (The great refusal). This is a short book with at its core a retelling of Marcuse’s One-dimensional Man, a book published in 1964. The same year in which i was born.
It feels to me my mind is following two completely different streams. On the one hand all the texts i have read, on the other hand my living in this world and the force i feel myself to work and earn my own income and take care of myself. Not that i mind that, but it is tough.
Writing this i do think ooh of course it is tough, get with it woman! This is the life you have picked for yourself.
I do enjoy reading The great Refusal. It is available in Dutch only.
I start to feel a bit better. It does take me time to think about everything i did over the past few months and see where it all went wrong. It is hard. My life is hard, but it is all by my own choice.
So i am working right now. In home care, a lowly paid job. It’s fine for now. I am learning.
I will keep up one update a week. I’m still feeling a bit low, but it does get better over time.
Sitting in the garden, hearing the wind, the birds, the cars in the background, almost non existing. I feel the quiet coming over me.
A confession, i do feel a bit down. My life continues, there are difficulties and troubles. But i manage, so far.
I have two jobs. One in a vegan cupcake shop for one day a week, selling and cleaning up and making lunch. I like it, i work with two women my age. It feels good. The other job is in home care, for three days a week. I can live of it, for the meantime.
This website will need to take a step back. Only one update a week.