Author Archives for Ellen

My life for now

I just got home from my mom’s place. I stayed there from Thursday till Sunday. I love staying with her. I watched more television than usual at home. We went into the village on Saturday, into the small shopping centre on Friday. It was lovely.

I’m happy to say that i start to feel a bit better. Working is fine so far. I don’t make that much money, but i’m happy with what i have. I will look around for other jobs, but i’m a bit picky.

And then there is me. My old dreams seem a far far away distance. But they are not gone all together. It is partly fantasy. But there is also a grain of truth in there. Small, but still.

It is still impossible to completely let go of these dreams. Of me talking, of me doing things i enjoy doing.

The world feels so wrong. Let’s just hope for the best. Pray, wish, dream, talk. For the best.

Published on August 29, 2022 at 6:00 by

Renaissance

I haven’t actually heard the entire new Beyonce album Renaissance. I do hear many well known samples in the music. Not sure what i think of it. Hoping i will listen to it over the week.

I’m full of doubts. Hesitations. I can live my life quietly. But i’m pretty sure i don’t want this. So i need to stand up and tell my story in an eloquent way.

Published on August 15, 2022 at 6:00 by

Shame shame shame

A couple of months ago i made a huge error. I gave the address i lived in at the moment to someone of the municipality. I said i lived there for only three weeks. I didn’t pay anything for it. But still, a huge error. I ignored it for a while, but it came back to me.

I felt awful. For months. It is getting a bit better. I can see the circumstances are a big part of why i told the address to the person on the line. But still, shame shame shame. I should never have said it. It would have meant my application for welfare was not valid. In the end it has been denied anyway.

I’m in a vulnerable condition. No home, very little money. For the past four weeks i have worked, but i don’t make enough. I don’t have any debts. that is a good thing.

And then there is this little voice inside of me. Almost inaudible it whispers to me “you gotta go through this”“there is light at the end of the tunnel”. I almost do not believe this little voice.

Be kind to yourself. A deep warm hug from me to you.

Published on August 8, 2022 at 6:00 by

Work

My fourth week of work starts tomorrow. My work of house care isn’t difficult, but i do need to get used to it. I’m happy i need to go to the place i need to clean. It makes my work varied. Sometimes i like the person who i am cleaning for, sometimes i’m indifferent. I don’t dislike anyone.

I’m still in an in between phase. I’m happy i found work to do, but that only goes up to a certain limit. After another month i will talk to the employment agency to check if there are other jobs more in my old line of work, like webmaster of somewhere related to front-end development.

Keep it up woman!

Published on August 1, 2022 at 6:00 by

The great refusal

There is this big difference i notice between reading books, newspapers and online news outlets and living in this world.

I am reading a book with the title De grote weigering (The great refusal). This is a short book with at its core a retelling of Marcuse’s One-dimensional Man, a book published in 1964. The same year in which i was born.

It feels to me my mind is following two completely different streams. On the one hand all the texts i have read, on the other hand my living in this world and the force i feel myself to work and earn my own income and take care of myself. Not that i mind that, but it is tough.

Writing this i do think ooh of course it is tough, get with it woman! This is the life you have picked for yourself.

I do enjoy reading The great Refusal. It is available in Dutch only.

Published on July 25, 2022 at 6:00 by

Following > Treading

Throwing the I Ching, i got 17. Following going into 10. Treading.

I start to feel a bit better. It does take me time to think about everything i did over the past few months and see where it all went wrong. It is hard. My life is hard, but it is all by my own choice.

So i am working right now. In home care, a lowly paid job. It’s fine for now. I am learning.

I will keep up one update a week. I’m still feeling a bit low, but it does get better over time.

Enjoy your week 🙂

Published on July 18, 2022 at 6:00 by

On the other side

Sitting in the garden, hearing the wind, the birds, the cars in the background, almost non existing. I feel the quiet coming over me.

A confession, i do feel a bit down. My life continues, there are difficulties and troubles. But i manage, so far.

I have two jobs. One in a vegan cupcake shop for one day a week, selling and cleaning up and making lunch. I like it, i work with two women my age. It feels good. The other job is in home care, for three days a week. I can live of it, for the meantime.

This website will need to take a step back. Only one update a week.

It is fine.

🙂

Published on July 4, 2022 at 6:00 by

A short break once again

I’m tired. That is it for now. I’ll be back Monday.

I’m taking a break from working here. One week for starters, it could be longer. I don’t know! I will keep you up to date of course.

Published on June 24, 2022 at 6:00 by