For four months i have worked. I do enjoy working for most of my clients. For some more than others. For some not at all. But most people are friendly and nice. Cleaning up house for people who are not able to do it themselves is worth doing. It doesn’t pay well, but for now it is enough.
But i do feel unhappy. I do not cry. On the whole i feel ok, i enjoy working most of the time. But my life is not what i wish it to be. I don’t have any really close friends, i don’t have any children, i don’t have any close contact with my family, apart from my mother. My life feels empty. It is not i want to fill my life up thoughtlessly, absolutely not. I am learning every day. But i do feel an impatience in me. When is it going to happen? Whatever it is.
My wishes might not come true. I might die in an ocean of solitude. I might never get there, wherever there may be. I still need to fight in me with myself.
My unhappiness is not important. It is a feeling i have within me, nothing more. I have to come to terms with it. That is difficult, but not impossible.
Another working week ahead of me. I hope you are doing well. Best wishes. Salute!
Published on October 31, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
The last couple of days i find myself thinking of finding a job nursing. I will start looking for a job together with an education. I also know the company i work for now has some possibilities, but it does take longer. My current job, cleaning houses for the sick and/or elderly i find to be very valuable. It is not fun, it is not entertaining, but i feel my time is well spend and the people do value my time i commit to them. The only drawback is that it doesn’t pay well.
I hope this idea bears fruit. I hope i am not too old.
I am working on my cv right now. I will write to a hospital early this week. The signs tell that they are really missing nurses, so here i am hoping.
Enjoy the week! Salute!
2. Soul Food
Everybody on earth knowing
that beauty is beautiful
that goodness is good
For being and nonbeing
hard and easy
complete each other;
long and short
shape each other;
high and low
depend on each other;
note and voice
make the music together;
before and after
follow each other.
That’s why the wise soul
does without doing,
teaches without talking.
The things of this world
exist, they are;
you can’t refuse them.
To bear and not to own;
to act and not lay claim;
to do the work and let it go:
for just letting it go
is what makes it stay.
Published on October 17, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
I am not where i want to be. One time it pushes away from me, another time it comes closer.
I need to come to terms with my current situation. I’m working, earning a bit of money. I enjoy my work, most of the time. It has value. I still need to straighten myself while i work this job. Do it right, do it good. Sometimes i fail, sometimes not. Different each day.
Today i did some cleaning in my room. I made body butter with shea butter, cacao butter and coconut oil. I brought a whole bag of old clothes to the clothing bin. I went into town, bought cheap toothpaste with fluoride, rose-hip oil and sweatpants for only eight euros.
I hope you enjoy your work. Salute!
Published on October 10, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
Categorised in: Rotterdam
Today is the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II. I watched a bit on Dutch and British television. The people in the procession, walking with an equal step, waving their arms all the same. It is a mighty sight.
This Friday morning i got on my bike and went to the place i have my furniture stored to bring my walking shoes. I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. After that i played a bit of turtle wow.
I feel lost. I can be strong and don’t talk myself down, but it is difficult. I hope i can find some courage inside me and fight for a better world.
This afternoon i went to the harvest market of the Peace Garden. I did some drawing, talked with some people. I enjoyed myself. I did go home early.
Enjoy this upcoming week. I hope i will. Salute!
Published on September 26, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
I don’t have a story ready for you. My life seems to be in calmer water. I have work. I have a home to life in. Of course it is all temporary, but that is life as it is. A short-term thing.
I watch the raindrops falling down on the window. I didn’t make a walk today. Too wet.
I feel lost in this world. It is hard to stand up and fight for a better world. My biggest wish. Well, i need to fix my own life first before i can do that.
I will leave you here. Nothing i can add, for now.
Be well. Salute!
Published on September 19, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
The world wakes up. Sometimes i am a bit early at work. I stand outside and watch the people passing by. Each one is starting his or her day.
The windows of the houses are all different. Some have only a few plants on the window sill, some have closed curtains, some have blackout curtains. I see no people standing looking out of their window.
All this will not last. That is a given. The world is changing continuously. People meet their ends all the time.
While i walk in the commercial hubbub of the modern city i watch the people walking by. Sometimes i imagine a situation in which things are different; the sea level has risen, the shops are empty, food is scarce. People will loose their civilized shiny outer layer. It could happen. One day.
Now i’m back home. My home for now. And i’m distressed and puzzled about what to write. I have scrapped so many sentences i wrote the past week. Mind you, i do that every time i write something recently. To me it is a good thing. It means i am thinking about what to write. Not that i come to an answer, but i don’t mind that too much. For the time being.
I will leave you here. I will be back next week.
Published on September 12, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
I just got home from my mom’s place. I stayed there from Thursday till Sunday. I love staying with her. I watched more television than usual at home. We went into the village on Saturday, into the small shopping centre on Friday. It was lovely.
I’m happy to say that i start to feel a bit better. Working is fine so far. I don’t make that much money, but i’m happy with what i have. I will look around for other jobs, but i’m a bit picky.
And then there is me. My old dreams seem a far far away distance. But they are not gone all together. It is partly fantasy. But there is also a grain of truth in there. Small, but still.
It is still impossible to completely let go of these dreams. Of me talking, of me doing things i enjoy doing.
The world feels so wrong. Let’s just hope for the best. Pray, wish, dream, talk. For the best.
Published on August 29, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen