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In a whirlwind

I was thinking. Just yet. What am i gonna write today? I went upstairs. I’m taking care of the cat of my neighbour who lives above me. I played with Joep. He/she is quite fierce. Slapping me with his paw. Not with the nails out. I gave him some fresh water and cleaned up her litter box.

Downstairs again. I made a cup of tea. And then this thought came up. So i got my first bit.

I am watching a youtube video called Talking masculinity with the ‘most dangerous therapist in the world’, Jerry Hide. It made me think of what kind of man i am interested in. What kind of man i would like to be interested in me. Not sure i am there yet. I will watch it from where i left and return here. Be right back!

I hope i have something to say. It feels to me that i do. I think in the past i have felt portions of this. I remember in the past couple of years moments of clarity. They do pass. I need to work at it. It is all muddled through.

I hope my life is part of a story. A narrative. I am actually fighting against it. I know i need to give up fighting this battle. Go with it, not against it. But this is so hard. It is still not clear enough for me. It is a mess. I still have this believe in my own free will. I take direction in my life. It is all up to me. But it is not. It feels to me that once i give up fighting, once i can set my life in its own course, than i can simply gain my life back. Because right now it doesn’t feel like my life at all. Right now i have my head full of dreams, but nothing on the outside as proof of these dreams. That they exist, they are mine.

That is it for today. I hope you have a good weekend. Salute!

Published on January 28, 2022 at 6:00 by

Nation State

Shared widely is the current understanding of a nation state, a country. It seems that around two hundred years ago this idea of a country came into existence. Before that humans died so much younger, people didn’t travel that far, didn’t speak to someone else over a long distance through a ‘telephone’, didn’t write for a worldwide audience on the internet.

The nation state made possible our current notion of a constitutional state with a social safety net. The residents of these states were given a livelihood and a clear identity. Especially over the last two hundred years lives have changed. But does that make us happy? Does it give us a full-filled life? Does it give us a sense of purpose wide enough?

I have my own sense of impending doom which makes my life difficult at the moment. But i am still not changing my ways. I still have the sense somewhere close in the future lies my salvation. Close yes, within a month or two. I’m burning up every penny i have to find a new way to live, a new cause to fight for, a new story to tell.

We need to work at our earth. We need to right the wrongs we have done here. There is so much work to be done here: make the cities nicer places to live, make the forests wilder, make the plains a better place with loads more wildflowers. Make the grass fields we are so proud of disappear. They are no use to us. These mono cultures are a waste of space. Make the oceans cleaner and stop emptying them of fish and filling them with plastics and pesticides. Make less babies. Stop using all sorts of sugar in our food. Stop it!

This is only a small piece of things we should be working on. Not all the wasteful jobs we have right now. This is what we should fight for.

Get rid of stupid economic neoliberal system. Once and for all!

Kerstessay: Waarom onze politiek geregeerd wordt door doodsangst

Published on January 21, 2022 at 6:00 by


I am talking with a television presenter, about all kinds of subjects. I react to a Scritti Politti song being played live, in that television studio. Happy. Elated. Maybe singing along – not sure about that to be honest. I am going to the Oscars, in a beautiful eccentric dress, made especially for me. It is difficult. But i can keep it up. Because of my boyfriend, someone who i love so much.

A daydream.

It is difficult to let this go. Twenty four hours in a day. I read, watch youtube, watch netflix, watch television, play world of warcraft. Still time left to daydream.

A part of me thinks i am alright as i am right now. Yeah, i should think more, better, deeper. Still not doing that. Another part of me thinks i need to hurry up and get fierce and speak up clear and bright.

I hope it is the last bit i wrote. Hurry up! Get fierce! Speak up clear and bright!

And fame is not what matters to me. It would rather be a nuisance to me if it were to happen. But i still think it is a viable path for me to take.

Published on December 15, 2021 at 6:00 by


It is almost four years ago since i sold my house. I spend the first two years still living in my old place, paying 500 euros rent a month. Almost two years ago i moved out. I put my furniture, the pieces i wanted to keep, in a storage company. Since then i moved out and about. First four months with a friend. Then a couple of months at someone who i found through airbnb. Then one after another for a month or less. Then i stayed with Erik. Very enjoyable. Two months at another place in the center of town, than back to Erik. And now i stay here in this small apartment in the west side of town, until half of April. I moved in here 6 October.

I’m up and down, yes. Mostly up. Faithful in who i am. I am not letting the people who don’t trust me and my place in this world get to me. No way sir!

Enjoy your weekend. Find a quiet place. Salute!

Published on December 3, 2021 at 6:00 by

Imagine writing

A few years ago i sat with some friends at the Eekhoorn (‘squirrel’) in the Kralingse Bos. We talked about things going wrong in the world. Someone said it was the high worldwide population which was the biggest problem. No i said, surely not.

We need to look hard at how we live right now: the amount of energy we use, the pollution we cause, the diversity loss. The huge amount of people who live on this planet.
In the past two hundred years the human population rose from 1 billion to currently 7,9 billion people. Global population growth had its peak in 1962 and 1963 with an annual growth rate of 2.2%. Since then, world population growth has halved.

I am not sure i was right when i denied that the huge population rise over the last hundred years has contributed to our current climate problems. In part sure, it is a factor. But it is also a fact that the world richest 10% produce half of the carbon emissions. The poorest half – 3,5 billion people – are responsible for a mere 10%. Lifestyle factors like use of energy and carbon freeing activities like flying and driving a car are more important than the actual world population.

Personally i’m still convinced that our lifestyle is the most important factor in our current troubles. The amounts of stuff we buy, the amount of miles we drive, the amount of kilometers we fly, the amount of clothes we buy and throw away. The industry is one of the most important contributors to carbon dioxide emission.

This subject is complicated. I am no way an expert. I almost loose myself in all the data i look up. I hope one day i can say it in easy language.

Published on November 30, 2021 at 6:00 by

The End of America

A few days ago i came across this book written by Naomi Wolf called The End of America. I admit, my view on the current developments is hazy at best. I am pretty well aware of what is going on in the Netherlands and Western Europe, but everything beyond is limited to what i read in the newspaper and online. I wish i knew more.

Reading this book published in 2007 makes me aware of everything that happened after it: the 2008 monetary crisis, Trump becoming president in 2016, corona disease in the past two years.

I had to solve the mix up in my mind. First i confused this writer Naomi Wolf with the writer Naomi Klein. Glad that confusion is behind me now. I hope i will finish this book. I am not sure what to think of it to be honest. We will see!

I leave you with some youtube clips with interviews with Naomi Wolf. Enjoy.

Published on November 24, 2021 at 6:00 by


I follow Pieter Omtzigt on Twitter. I voted for him at the general elections at the start of this year, 2021. Even though he was still part of the CDA – he got out of the party early summer. I truly admire him, even though we might differ in opinion on several subjects. But close enough on others.

But his way is not my way.

I follow Greta Thunberg. She is still so young, her mind made up, she sees things clearly and is not afraid to speak up. She is outspoken. “Blah, blah, blah.”

Her way is not my way though.

I admire George Monbiot. His tweets are thought provoking. His articles in the Guardian are a continuous fight against all the things wrong in the world: capitalism, governments failures to get things right, toxic stuff and poisons spread around the world. Amongst other things.

It is not my way.

Tinkebell is my favourite Dutch artist. She fights for the refugees trying to enter Greece, fights for Fukushima, the Tata Steel company near IJmuiden with its spread of lead, PAH (polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons), manganese, iron, chromium, arsenic, barium and many other metals and minerals. She makes art, with every breath she takes. She also saves the world.

Not my way.

I still don’t know what my way is. I would like to go out into the world, meet all sorts of different people, talk with them about all the things going on in this world. On the other hand, i enjoy the silence i am in right now. Just once a week meeting some people who work in the garden to drink a cup of tea.

But it is only a short break. It is time to make up my mind. Time to choose. Choose something between than this silence i am in right now and a full up life i can only envisage right now.

Either way is good. I have to choose that side which feels like me, that is all. And maybe it is not choosing between those sides, maybe i should try and get it all. The quiet and the fullness.

Published on November 19, 2021 at 6:00 by

Thinking about stuff

Early in the afternoon i went out for a short walk. Quite suddenly really, i hadn’t thought about doing this at all during the morning. I went to the bench curving around the tree in the park behind my current house. I made a photo of the view, as i have done quite a few times before. Then i made a photo of myself. I sat there only for five minutes or so. Then i walked on.

It is almost seven years now since i decided to live my own life, sell of my house, live of the money i made of that, do whatever to try to get something out of myself. It is hard. For the past six months i have been living in my current house. In a month i will be moving to another house, from friends of friends who will be moving away for six months. I am looking forward to that. My own little place.

I don’t know how i will continue. Well, apart from this blog of course. Drawings, photographs, writings mostly. Onward.

Published on September 17, 2021 at 6:00 by


School was for me very enjoyable, a pleasure. I enjoyed algebra, math, writing. It wasn’t a problem for me. But i do realize now looking back on my school days in the 70s and 80s that it was not a complete picture of what you can learn about life and all the activities you can do. I did have swimming while i was at school, and gymnastics. But we never had a school garden. It was simply not mentioned. I didn’t miss it at all, but i also didn’t know that it was a possibility for me to have that. I was simple a child, adjusting myself to what was given to me.

I do come across articles which do interest me. I will give a list here, with some short comments.

  • Wat als… ons onderwijs regeneratief zou zijn?
    This article talks about what makes school something which makes you learn so many more things besides the cognitive skills. Not just your mind, but also your heart and hands are important. It will teach you to think about nature inclusive solutions.
  • Steiner free schools
    The Vrijeschoolonderwijs or Waldorf system has at its main focus the development of the child as a whole for his or her personal development and for the relation of the child with the world surrounding him or her. A balance between thinking, feeling and acting.
  • Laterna Magica
    A school delivering education for each child separately.

These are just three examples of different methods of learning. I wish i would have experienced this so much earlier in my life.

The examples i give here are the good kind. Well, good in my opinion anyway. I still think most of the schools are not of this kind. Predominantly most of the attention is focused on math and language. The CITO test pupils do at around 11 or 12 years old gives an overview of language skills, math skills, geography, history and nature knowledge. This is all tested inside a classroom with multiple choice questions. This give a limited view on the child. This continues over the later years in high school. More so even.

I’m still skeptical about the Dutch system of education. Some schools have a well rounded educational lesson system, but i do think they are in the minority. Most are scraping by, trying to mold the children to a general accepted way of thinking. I’m sad to say.

Published on August 23, 2021 at 6:00 by


Early in the morning i put my dirty clothes and bed linen in the washing machine. I went downstairs and got my double espresso with a bit of butter and some whipping cream. In the morning i do go through all the new things on my iPad: Feedly with my rss-feeds first, than a bit of facebook, youtube, twitter, Flipboard. The game i play right now is Shop Titans. I don’t pay anything for it, so it goes slow. Then i start up my computer, check my mail and start up a game of warcraft. I’m on my second private server in a week. Just checking out the game.

In the afternoon i went out for a short walk, which got even shorter because of the rainfall. I went into the supermarket AH for some shopping: some veggies, sausages, walnuts and whipping cream. Back home. Lucky it was dry then.

I feel better. I don’t worry too much. I still have confidence in myself. Lucky!

Published on August 10, 2021 at 6:00 by