Still so many things to learn
I don’t always manage being calm and gentle. Lately i get scared more. The last days i get angry at times. Angry at the world. Angry at all the people in it. Who don’t give me what i want. That is of course ludicrous. Not giving me what i want. You never get what you want. Not that i know what i want for real. I still have a dream of meeting someone who i fall in love with. In the innermost depths of my being. Over the past years i came across some nice men i fell in love for a bit, but it never lasted. So here i am. Single. I do find it difficult to write these texts, these columns. Last week on Thursday i was so confused about what to write. In the end i read the first bit i had written and followed this. I still find myself thinking of something which resonates within me; and then forget this the next day. Why i don’t know. It could be it is not the right time yet to write that text down. Single. That is what i am. It is fine. I’m open and careful at the same time. Usually anyway 🙂
I just got out of bed. I was lying in bed thinking of the near future. I don’t want any money from the state. I don’t want any help from anyone. I don’t want to get anything. I do not know where i get these thoughts from. I can go and look for a job of course. Of course! But i don’t want to. I don’t want to live in this world with its money and securities and jobs. I don’t want it. I’d rather die. Well, my mind is looking for other solutions. Which are all wrought with difficulties. Silly me. Stupid silly me. Crazy stupid silly me.
Hmm, that was an outburst. I pretty sure i won’t die. But i still can’t see what will happen to me.
Still so many things to learn, each and every single day.