The day after

The past few weeks i’ve been having mixed and elevated emotions. Saturday morning i went for a walk. I sat outside of a coffee bar, drank a cappuccino and read the newspaper. After i finished i walked into the center of town. I was looking at the people and the shops with a distant and observing feeling. I enjoy walking into the center, not to buy anything but to look at the people.

At the market i talked with a friend. I confessed i collapsed during a phone talk with my mother the day before. Stupid filthy money. Stupid filthy world. Nothing goes as i want. The past eight years i have given up everything i have. My house. My work. I’m sitting here with nothing to show for it. I have let everything come to nothing.

That is what i keep saying to myself. This is not true of course. I have learned so much. About myself. About the world. About other people. Yes i was scared. Yes i kept it as low risk as possible. I sold my house with the provision i could keep living in it for two more years. I paid for my livelihood from the money i made with selling my house. Now i’m here, no where left to turn to.

Why? Why did i do this? Why did i let it all fall out of my hands? Why?

I can not disguise this hopeless feeling i have with feeling in love, doing the best i can, fighting for my life the only way i think possible. That all means nothing in the face of my going broke. Being against war, against the weapon industry, the oil industry, the agricultural industry, that is all fine sure. But it leads me nowhere.

What made me decide to go this way? What drove me? It is all gone. I wish i could run back to my old home, hide away and live my life safely away from prying eyes.

I have nothing left to go back to. Here i am, alone, no money, no home. I have some friends, but i can not live off them. Where do i go from here?

I would like to say i wish i knew, but i do not know. Time will tell. Until the time things will be a bit clearer, i can only try to stay calm. It will not be the end of the world.

Published on May 23, 2022 at 6:00 by

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