Categories for My story

Today i went to the storage company where i rent 15 cubik meters to put away some more things: my pillow, some clothes i do not wear, my drawings things, my English Dutch dictionary, a book from Kate Raworth. Still room for those things. I went on my bike, but i did step of for a short time. I got a bit tired.

I found myself in this landscape with cars and a highway and stop signs. Lots of cars. Not my world really. Still, cars have their uses.

I was thinking about this post, the follow up to Stubborn and Patience. This word came up in my mind: Determination. Something which i feel even more than being stubborn and being patient. The wolf i drew a couple of weeks ago shows that to me. I can feel this growl inside of me. Grrrr. I don’t think people around me are very aware of this. I am on the whole quite nice, friendly, open. Not wolf like at all. But yes, i feel this inside me. Not giving up, not letting go, having my teeth in a piece and growling.

I do hope things will turn out good for me. I do hope i will not sleep on the streets, out in the open. I do hope i will find friends. And i do hope i will find someone to love and share my life with. But until then i want to live my life as i see fit. And actually, after that too!

Today, Tuesday 3 November, i made a walk through town. I walked past the garden Tuin op Hofbogen. I talked with Bob and Wendy about the plans of the municipality and other companies for the surrounding area of the garden and the old train tracks. I walked further with Wendy. We talked about loneliness, friendship. A good talk! I walked on. Through de Vredestuin where i saw people working. A short chat and a smile and laughter. On wards, past the woman with the nice dogs. To the butcher on the Meent, where i bought a sandwich with ham. On wards to the Laurens church, where i sat down and ate the sandwich. Through town to the Oude Binnenweg where i bought a Surinam sandwich. I watched the television there for a short time. Politics. To the Westersingel where i ate the sandwich. On to the van Oldenbarneveltstraat, back to the Hofplein and past the Grafisch Lyceum. A quick selfie.

Back home.

I was thinking many different things. The talk with Wendy first was a good one. We talked about loneliness. I saif everybody is alone. It is just some people forget. We also talked about the help people ask for. Some justified, some not, in our opinion.

My housing situation. I move out of my current place this Thursday, November 5. I still haven’t found a place to stay. People are canceling or saying no. I try not to worry. Successfully! I still have money, so i could go to a more expensive place for the next week and look further.

And my work. This website, ellenpronk.com. Which i am not giving up. I am not sure where this determination comes from. But it is there. Growling.

Enough for now. Salute!

Yesterday morning i went into the city with my house lady and her little daughter. So much fun. Dali is so cheerful, so open, smiling and taking it all in. The shops we wanted to go to were still closed, so we bought some coffee and a babyccino. In the bookstore Dali walked about and carried some books with her we had to get back in their proper places.

On our way back we went into the garden. I had suggested we should pick some flowers there. We walked through the muddy paths and got cosmos, zinnia, nasturtium, kale, chard, fennel and some other nice looking leaves. Look at the last two photos i published yesterday to see this magnificent flower bouquet.

We chatted. One description of me stuck with me: city nomad (stadsnomade in Dutch). This past year has been exactly that for me, wandering through the city, living in different homes, experiencing all different families, people. Walking through the city, looking at all the people shopping, sitting and feeding the birds, working in the garden, playing with other children, eating chips or a sandwich.

Thinking about the world. Thinking about what we do to ourselves. Thinking about the rules we set up to follow. Thinking about what we build, what we decide, the laws, the endless talking of the news and the government. On and on and on and on.

Inside, i feel a wolf growling and biting something it doesn’t want to let go of. A deep growl. A firm, unwavering determination to not let go.

Grrrrrrrr!

I am getting older.

Of course everybody is getting older. It is a fact of life. Time flows in one direction only. Going forward, all the time. I know i am approaching the end of the plateau phase of life. The phase in which nothing much seems to change.

I try to look good. As good as possible. Within the limitations i set for myself. Hardly any make-up. No botox. No cosmetic operations. No fillers. But yes, i do use the Ordinary serums. I do want to use a retinoid soon. I do try to loose a bit more weight. I do think i look alright. For being 56 years old.

But it is not the most important thing in the world. I know that. Your smile, the way you look at people, your openness, your interest in other people, all that is so much more important than the way you look.

Young people have a joy in their faces, in their eyes. Intoxicating. A thirst for the experience of living, an exuberance in experiencing life as it presents itself to you. A freshness of attitude.

Most young people have this anyway. I’m sad for the young people who do not feel like this.

I have been shy. Not knowing what to say. Quiet. Withdrawn. But also happy with myself. Content in living my life as it came. Happy to draw.

I had to learn to pay more attention to the people around me. This didn’t come naturally to me. Now i enjoy watching people. Saying hello, good day, good afternoon when i pass someone on the streets. I enjoy that.

Right now i live in a young family’s house. The sunshine in the house: a toddler girl of sixteen months old. So bright, happy, energetic. Not always, of course. But still, a smile to brighten your day.

The Julia Roberts smile from Pretty Woman was on my mind after a talk i had yesterday with my landlady. The Kylie Jenner images i posted yesterday were posted with the same thoughts. I look with a critical eye, but i also want to keep seeing the innocence in an image or movie. No matter what the thoughts are in the minds of the people making these images.

It is all about now. The present. This very moment. Very hard to grasp. Very hard to present to the world. Now.

Not right now. Not yet. Still half a day away.

I leave you with this lovely Dutch windmill with cosmos flowers and sunflowers in front of it. photographed yesterday while i made a walk around the Bergse Voorplas. You can see this mill from 3:00 in the clip below.