Categories for My story

For around ten month i have been thinking about a new video clip. First i was going to make it with drawings. I changed my mind. I would film! I had no song, nothing came up. Only in January this year, 2024, i came up with the last refrain of the song A little knowledge.

I used this text in the drawings i made 8 February 1986. It is strange how picking this text can elude you so easily. It gave me a good title for the video clip: A verse for nothing.

It will be a while before i am done with this clip. Some parts i have filmed, but other parts not. It’ll be a month, two months before i am done. I do feel happy. Also a bit nervous. Of course.

Lets hope for the best.

Around ten months ago i got the idea of making another video clip. Yay! i thought. I was gonna make a hand drawn video, like the drawings i make and publish here. I thought about it for months. I set up a new video in flash. I was going to publish it in quicktime.

Then i changed my mind. Slowly the idea of filming and making the video in final cut pro took over. That is where i’m at right now. But i still don’t know the song, i only have filmed a few bits of me walking over paths. But i have ideas of filming myself dancing, singing, staring at the world.

I will make this video. I will. It doesn’t need to be smooth, doesn’t need to be fancy. I want it to be truthful, close to my life as it is right now. Working, walking, reading, watching movies and television. Well, walking, singing and dancing is enough material.

I hope i will find the song soon. Maybe it is one i have already sung. Maybe it is from a favourite group, maybe it is a new song. I don’t know. I do know where i will sing it. The bathroom where i live has a beautiful sound. Of course.

I am happy i am not letting go of this idea. I am happy thoughts keep changing bit by bit. Even though i feel quite sad lately, and alone in this world, i still have these ideas to make me happy.

One more week till Christmas! Not that special to me, but still, a week off is nice. Yay!

Last week, during one night, i woke up. It was around two, three maybe?

My head was filled with worry about why i had sold my house, now almost six years ago. It startled me. I thought i had left this far behind me. But no.

It is strange that now i work, i make a bit of money, i could easily live in my old house with the mortgage i was paying for it at the time.

There is of course nothing i can do about it. It is a time gone by. I live here and now. I’m still not sure what way my life will take. I do know waking up last week did something to me. Yes, i feel a bit sad. Yes, it is difficult right now.

I’m not letting it take me down. Sure, i can worry, i can feel sad, lost. But the next day i’m still good to go.

• Do you have a dream to follow?
  • I do have a dream. Sometimes the dream almost disappears. Like the last couple of weeks, in which i was busier trying to get work, trying to get a welfare benefit, which most likely will fail. But i don’t want this welfare. I don’t want an ordinary job in this world. Only a special job will do. A job in which i talk with people all over the world. A job in which i will sing a song. A job in which i will make a video clip. That is my dream.

    This might not come true of course. Still, i like to talk with people about all sorts. I like to say hey. I like to wave. I like to smile. Lots 🙂

• What are we, as human beings, going to do with our moment in time?
  • This is different for each person. I want to get my personal best out of life, of course. That almost goes without saying. Still, i like to say it here as an answer.

    I hope i can say what i think at one certain time. That has been hard. I forget. I forget so much. But then i remember again. Yay! Until i forget once more. Mehh 🙁

    So here its up to no forgetting. Yes!

• What is more important to you in your relationships: love or respect?
  • I am not sure. A couple of years ago i would have said love. Now i might say both love and respect. And maybe, maybe, respect is enough. I don’t know! Not yet!
• What path through life appeals to you the most?
  • The path i picked in the past eight years was a difficult and lonely path. I never thought it would end here, in this situation. Hardly any money, no house. And i’m still not feeling down. I’m quite happy really. As for this path’s appeal, not sure it has any. But it is the only path i can walk. So far. I am getting closer to a switch. My money is running out. That is the only reason i need to decide what my next step is going to be. Looking for work is one thing. I do hope i can find something soon. I need to! Of course!
• Bruce Lee: “you will never get any more out of life than you expect”. Do you agree with him?
  • Yes. I do expect quite a lot. Not sure i get all that. I can only hope it. With all my heart.
• James Baldwin: “you’ve got to tell the world how to treat you because if the world tells you how you are going to be treated, you are in trouble”. Do you agree with him?
  • I am usually a quiet person. I listen to people. I enjoy that.

    It is not my whole story though. I can talk. As for me telling the world how to treat me, it’s getting closer. I know i’m bright, i’m smart, i don’t get fooled easily. I don’t show it that much, but it is true. I have learned for the whole of my life. I am not letting go.

• Are you able to face up to loneliness in your life?
  • For the most part i have been lonely in my life. I remember the time my father asked me if i wanted to have a blood test taken, to check if i was his daughter. In 1988 or 1989 it was. That was bullshit of course. It was just a spiteful thing my father did. He didn’t want to see me anymore. He wanted to break off all contact with me. It was the last thing i heard from him.

    My mum, i love her. But our relationship is difficult. I’ll let it be.

    So yes, i have been lonely for the most part of my life. Friends have come and gone. I have learned over time. New lessons each time. And i still have so many new things to learn.

    I am not sorry i spend my time the way i did. First going to school, than studying, than to art school, than working, than freelancing. Finally i came to where i am now, with nothing to show for it. But inside i have kept on learning. Working in the garden. Moving from place to place. To where i am right now. I do not feel sorry. I do not have any regrets.

    I can take care of myself. With all my tears, all my sorrows, all my own little and big stuff that is going on, i will take care of myself.

    A promise.

This morning i walked out of the house i live in, i took a few steps and was called by a good friend who was on his way to work. He asked me how i was. I started to cry. I couldn’t help myself. A woman was standing in her window below where he lived and asked what was wrong. She said she was going on a holiday today (= Monday) and that i could live in her house for three to four weeks.

I will move in today, after three o’clock. It is a short term solution of course. I do need to think about a long term one. But it does buy me a bit more time. So still, yay!

Eight years ago i started this blog. I update it five updates a week. A maximum of five weeks of holiday a year. I have sold my house and lived on the proceeds for the remainder of the time. The last two years i moved from room to room. The last half year i lived in the house i live in now. For one more week. My money is running out. I have enough only for the next two months.

I am not crazy. I hope so anyway! I acted like this for a specific reason. Truth be told, this process is lasting longer than i expected. Now it is coming to a crunch time. The moment of truth. The point of no return.

I feel i need to pick a public life or a solitary life. That is not true of course, i could pick from a multitude of lives. A life in which i work, a life in which i protest against the current working climate. I could pick anything i want.

But what do i want? I could fall in love. I can sing songs. I will keep on working here. Photographs, dances, write columns, drawings. Or i stay in the hidden depths. Keep on working on myself. Until the day i die.

I just want to mean something to the world. But all i seem to do is loosing everything.

Am i fooling myself with these thoughts?

But what is the alternative? Do we all come in this world with no reason behind it, no story to tell. All a part of the same machinery. The capitalistic neoliberal hyper machine which is fragmenting the stories away from us. Is that it?

I don’t believe that.

What do i really really want? I would love to fall in love with somebody. Somebody who reminds me of me, but also entirely different. Somebody who leads his life as i do, with respect and attention to everything surrounding him.

But this post is not about him, it is about me. I am still waiting for someone to pick me up from this life. And that is not happening. It is as simple as that. I need to get out myself. It is no option anymore to live silently.