What i do not want

I enjoy watching Escape to the Country. I do think earlier, a couple of years ago, i would like to live in a house like those shown in there. Especially the above 600k pounds one of course. But lately, for the past couple of months, i do realise i do not want this. Not anymore. I do not want the peace and quiet. I do not want the lazy drawn out afternoons. I do not want to walk outside over the fields and the footpaths. Not anymore.

I put on weight. I drank a bottle of wine each day. This lasted until 2011, when i got the diagnosis of diabetes 2. I didn’t think much about it at first. I took my medicines. I did stop drinking that much, but still a bottle of wine each week. I have lost around twenty kilos, i’m happy to say. The final ten are a pain, but i do hope i will manage somehow. And around two years ago i stopped drinking alcohol pretty much all together. Two bottles a year, one for Christmas, one for my birthday. And i might even stop with those. Together with the ketogenic diet i do feel i’m stopping the development of the diabetes somehow. And getting healthier at the same time.

I haven’t been working in the garden for the last few months. I’m not sure why. It does feel like i should take a bit more distance, decide what i want to do there, if anything. It feels like i should make some important decisions. Some decisions i can not talk about with other people. Yes that is it. I do feel something looming over me. The past two weeks i have not been my usual cheery self. I am stuck in front of something. I do need to determine what direction i want to move into. It is all a bit muddy inside my head. But it should clear up over time.