Author Archives for Ellen

City Nomad

Yesterday morning i went into the city with my house lady and her little daughter. So much fun. Dali is so cheerful, so open, smiling and taking it all in. The shops we wanted to go to were still closed, so we bought some coffee and a babyccino. In the bookstore Dali walked about and carried some books with her we had to get back in their proper places.

On our way back we went into the garden. I had suggested we should pick some flowers there. We walked through the muddy paths and got cosmos, zinnia, nasturtium, kale, chard, fennel and some other nice looking leaves. Look at the last two photos i published yesterday to see this magnificent flower bouquet.

We chatted. One description of me stuck with me: city nomad (stadsnomade in Dutch). This past year has been exactly that for me, wandering through the city, living in different homes, experiencing all different families, people. Walking through the city, looking at all the people shopping, sitting and feeding the birds, working in the garden, playing with other children, eating chips or a sandwich.

Thinking about the world. Thinking about what we do to ourselves. Thinking about the rules we set up to follow. Thinking about what we build, what we decide, the laws, the endless talking of the news and the government. On and on and on and on.

Inside, i feel a wolf growling and biting something it doesn’t want to let go of. A deep growl. A firm, unwavering determination to not let go.

Grrrrrrrr!

Published on October 27, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Verb

Oscar Wilde said that if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it. That is your punishment. But if you never know, then you can be anything. There is a truth to that. We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing — an actor, a writer — I am a person who does things — I write, I act — and I never know what I am going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun.
— Stephen Fry

“If you want to be a grocer, or a general, or a politician, or a judge, you will invariably become it; that is your punishment. If you never know what you want to be, if you live what some might call the dynamic life — but what I will call the artistic life — if each day you are unsure of who you are and what you know you will never become anything, and that is your reward.”
— Oscar Wilde

I live on this earth at present, and I don’t know what I am. I know that I am not a category. I’m not a thing — a noun. I seem to be a verb, an evolutionary process — an integral function of the universe.”
— R. Buckminster Fuller

“This is how it feels to lead a faithful creative life: You try and try and try and nothing works. But you keep trying, and you keep seeking, and then sometimes, in the least expected place and time, it finally happens… You might earn a living with your pursuits or you might not, but you can recognize that this is not really the point. And at the end of your days you can thank creativity for having blessed you with a charmed, interesting, passionate existence.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

Published on October 23, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Hope

I rewrote this post twice now. Not sure what to say.

I do hope i can fix my life. It is a bit of a mess. I don’t worry that much about it. Maybe i should do that more. I honestly do not know the right answer to that.

Stand straight Ellen! Keep walking on!

Published on October 21, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Incredibly beautiful and terribly ugly

The street, the buildings, the houses, the shops, the garbage bags, the benches, the cars, the bicycles, the signs, the stones, the sidewalks, the flowers, the green, the plants, the little grass areas, the sitting areas, the do not walk closer than 1,5 meter signs, the people, the people, the people, the shops, the grey, the blues, the reds, the whites, the blacks, the bags, the junk, the sky, the clouds, the sun, the sun, the sun, the sun, the air, the wind, the wind, the wind, the water, the fountains, the squares, the traffic, the noise, the children, the man standing on the sidewalk staring down at this phone, the grey, the straight lines, the little plants peeping up, the man, the women, the boys, the girls, the little children, the people, the people, the people.

twee oren om te horen
twee ogen om te zien
twee handen in het lege
en verre vingers tien

Source: Polonaise – Paul van Ostayen

Published on October 20, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Older

I am getting older.

Of course everybody is getting older. It is a fact of life. Time flows in one direction only. Going forward, all the time. I know i am approaching the end of the plateau phase of life. The phase in which nothing much seems to change.

I try to look good. As good as possible. Within the limitations i set for myself. Hardly any make-up. No botox. No cosmetic operations. No fillers. But yes, i do use the Ordinary serums. I do want to use a retinoid soon. I do try to loose a bit more weight. I do think i look alright. For being 56 years old.

But it is not the most important thing in the world. I know that. Your smile, the way you look at people, your openness, your interest in other people, all that is so much more important than the way you look.

Young people have a joy in their faces, in their eyes. Intoxicating. A thirst for the experience of living, an exuberance in experiencing life as it presents itself to you. A freshness of attitude.

Most young people have this anyway. I’m sad for the young people who do not feel like this.

I have been shy. Not knowing what to say. Quiet. Withdrawn. But also happy with myself. Content in living my life as it came. Happy to draw.

I had to learn to pay more attention to the people around me. This didn’t come naturally to me. Now i enjoy watching people. Saying hello, good day, good afternoon when i pass someone on the streets. I enjoy that.

Right now i live in a young family’s house. The sunshine in the house: a toddler girl of sixteen months old. So bright, happy, energetic. Not always, of course. But still, a smile to brighten your day.

The Julia Roberts smile from Pretty Woman was on my mind after a talk i had yesterday with my landlady. The Kylie Jenner images i posted yesterday were posted with the same thoughts. I look with a critical eye, but i also want to keep seeing the innocence in an image or movie. No matter what the thoughts are in the minds of the people making these images.

Published on October 14, 2020 at 6:00 by
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