Shame

Last night i was lying awake for a while. I was thinking of this terrible vacation i went on around forty years ago. I don’t know why i was thinking about this. I wrote about this earlier, in a post with the title Memories, in 2015.

After my exams, i went on a holiday with a good friend and her family. We were going with the train. We went to Italy, in the north part close to the Alps. Aosta was the town close to where we camped. The day we left, i called her on the telephone. She didn’t answer. I got in a panic and walked up to her house. As it turned out, i was calling the wrong number. Stupid me. The whole time we were hardly talking, until one evening we had a huge fight. I left the next day, or the day after. Afterwards she gave me the photos with me on it. I never saw her again.

This quote is describing what happened then with a coolness and distance which isn’t true. It is almost forty years ago, true. But it is still a painful memory, vivid, in bright colors. The day we left i used a wrong telephone number to try to call her. The silence between us lasted for around a week or so. The fight we had, me sitting in my tent, trying to get away from her as far as possible. The talk her father spoke to me while i was still there, saying i was a blemish on their holiday. When they got back home, i went over for a short time and got all the photographs with me on them. She said they would rather not have them.

The terrible shame i felt. That i couldn’t admit i had made a mistake when i called her. Using a wrong number.

I don’t know why i was thinking about this holiday last night. The talk her father had with me. Which i could only accept. I still felt so young. Not grown up. I don’t know why i was thinking about this holiday for the rest of the day. So long ago. Why waste my time on this.

But i don’t think i am wasting my time. I still need to go through this. I know i have grown since then. I really have. But there are still some things wrong in my life. Some things i need to accept. Like this memory. Nobody is perfect from the start of their lives. Nobody is raised with a good response to every situation they might encounter. You go through life meeting all kinds of different situations in which you need to deal with all the possible outcomes. Some good and some bad.

I do hope i have learned enough to continue with my life as it is today.

Published on April 12, 2021 at 6:00 by

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