I’m still thinking. I have grown more quiet here, on ellenpronk.com. I try to live my life as good as possible. Be open towards the people i meet. Friendly. It is hard. I still find myself talking too much. Not listening enough.
Still thinking. This morning the thought came up. I’m still using too much force. I’m still trying to break through. I’m still trying. I still need to loose myself, relax. Look outside and see what is there. Look inside and see what is in there. Ease up.
I still trust myself. Really. It is hard. I do worry sometimes. Practical things. Where i live. Money. Sure. But yes, i still trust myself.
Thank you for your patience.
I am reading a collection of essays written by the Dutch writer Connie Palmen (Dutch Wikipedia article) called Het Drama van de Afhankelijkheid. I haven’t read any previous books from her. I enjoy these essays. I might read more books from her.
I am noticing a different form of reading. Slower. Reading the text out loud in my head. Reading paragraphs multiple times.
This is different from my escapist form of reading. In this form i read a story, in which i loose myself.
It is a lot more strenuous to read in this non-escapist way. I catch myself trying to loose myself every sentence. I have to keep myself on track. Read slow and carefully. Do not enjoy yourself. Think!