I have worked for around twenty years. In the beginning it was tough. A lot of overtime. A lot of energy it took from my life. But also many new things in my life, many new events. Many mistakes i made. I did enjoy the work.
That was for the first five years.
The rest, it was a bit more quiet. I did have my good times, sure. I did learn my limitations. Being creative in a work environment is not my thing.
The past year and a half i have not been actively looking for work. I did do a few, small jobs. I took the time to think, to dream, to do the things i love.
This blog is my heartfelt ultimate work of love. If anything, i would love to keep it up and working on it for i don’t know how long. A few years at least. Maybe even longer. The thoughts of new works are still coming in. Like this week, when i was going though an old Vogue and realised i wanted to do something with these images of girls. Taking the photographs with the paper curled and the light shining reflecting of it. All these beautiful faces looking at the observer, wanting its attention.
But my money is running out. I did get a tax return a few months ago, which gave me a bit more time. That time is running out.
I don’t want to ask for a grant. I’m not a part of the Dutch art world, not for more than twenty years.
I don’t have family or friends who can help me.
But i still feel i have something to say. Something important. For myself. For the world maybe?
I don’t think the world has changed that much over the past millennia. I do know that we, humans, think that it has. I do know we think the world now is bright and sensible. We used to think it was dark and mysterious. Nowadays we are not afraid of doors which open automatically when we come close. We don’t look up when somebody passes us seemingly talking to nobody. We are not surprised when people change their gender.
The world is covered with a torrent of people. Billions.
Some people step out of it. Out of the system. They live somewhere off the grid in a nowhere land taking care of themselves and their loved ones.
Other people try to make another way of living. Like some of the people i met through the Peace Garden. Some are making it work. They are not wealthy, but they do live a decent life.
Most of my friends are trying to make a decent living. Working for themselves. Working as an independant freelancer. Doing the things they love and earn a living.
It is hard.
My nights are not filled with sleep, but with lying awake in the dark. Thinking. Fantasizing. Not sensible, no. Crazy. Insane.
Last night was harsh. I do remember the vehemence of the feelings assaulting me. But the content is fading away. Something about our planet being a small part of the entire universe. Being special. Rare. People wanting to move to Mars and terraform it and live there. As if our world is lost forever. Our wonderful world. Our glorious world. I felt like i was standing aside, looking at everything from a distance. I remembered how i used to be. How i used to feel. In a distant past, far away.
I remember thinking about the politicians, the wealthy people, the business people, the banking people. How they try to shape the world for their own wishes. How they try to get everything out of every bone of this earth.
We are the caretakers. We should make this world a lovely place to live for all the animals and plants. Not put pigs by the thousands in big stalls and butcher them once they are old and big enough. Not use fertilizer to keep our soil stuffed with nitrogen so the vegetables will grow on it no matter what. Not use people, young people, children, old people as slaves to work. Not to hack any old forest or rainforest as we please. Not to keep our supermarkets stacked full with superfluous rows of sweets, cookies, cheeses, soft drinks, meats, milk and bread to throw away once the sell by date has passed.
We are so smart. We can operate on humans and change their gender. We can give humans hormones to alter their behaviour and the state of their body. Our medicine is still growing. But our understanding of ourselves, of our brains, is still rather small.
One of the biggest metaphors for our brain over the past seventy years is the computer. But, we do not have hard drives build into our brains. There is no storage facility anywhere inside ourselves from where we can retrieve information. Human beings are not information processors. Human beings have hands, arms, legs, feet, eyes, noses, mouths, genitals inside and outside. We look at the world. We hear the world. We feel the world. We are inside the world, as if we are one and the same.
One prediction is that soon it will be possible to download a human mind to a computer. Predicted by futurist Kurzweil, physicist Stephen Hawking and neuroscientist Randal Koene.
This is untrue. Nonsensical.
Our mind, our brain and our body are part of the same thing: a living breathing human being. Experiencing life in one continuous flow. Sleeping at night, awake during the day. Interacting with the people around it, with the world around it. Touching, walking, sitting, dreaming, listening, being there, being away.
We are very good setting aside parts of ourselves. Putting different pieces of ourselves in different compartments. With different people. In different times. Sex goes well with a good looking friend. Work is a good way to pass the time during the day. With work colleagues. To earn money. Food is a good energy provider. It makes you feel good. Sweets are lovely. Ice cream tastes great. We love to sleep. We love to cuddle with our friends. We love our children. We enjoy to make stuff. We enjoy to buy stuff.
Our days are divided in all nicely seperated parts. For example: we sleep, we wake up, we shower, we brush our teeth, we make breakfast, or not, we eat our breakfast, or not, we go to work, we have lunch, we come home, we kiss our friend, we hug our children, we have dinner, we read a book, we watch tv, we go to sleep.
There is no way we can build a replica of a human brain in a computer. No way. Impossible.
This world we live in is made by human beings. It is not set out by one person at the beginning. It has evolved over time by many many people with different intellects, different wishes, different desires. Most acts were not far reaching. But all acts did make out this world.
I am not sure about the rich people. Some may be good in essence. Some may be bad. I don’t know any of them. I am curious about them.
I am curious about the people in this world. I would like to watch them, talk with them, interact with them.
That is what i want to do as work. I think i will be good at it.
If you let me.
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