A present

A week ago, in the post London, i wrote that i will be going to the Scritti Politti gig on February 5 next week Friday. I have a ticked, i booked the bus and a place to spend the night, only a block away from the Roundhouse.

I did write about a dream i have in The world and the people.

I gave these drawings away, twice. First time i gave them to Iris, who was my friend when i made these. She is actually on the first drawing. The girl dancing with the yellow hat. After a time she gave these drawings back to me. Maybe because, if i remember correctly, i was looking at the drawings a lot when i was at her home.

The second time i gave them to Femke. She gave them back too. I don’t remember what she said. But i have the feeling she felt it was too much.

After that i kept these drawings. I actually almost forgot about them. Until the sledgehammer moment. I got them out of the cupboard. I made a photo of the seventh card, which has only text on it, which is the last part of the song A little knowledge by Scritti Politti.

I always felt that i shouldn’t keep these drawings. I was actually thinking of giving them to Green in 2006. I talked about this idea with friends, who advised against it. I do think they were right, then.

Now, I actually would like to give these drawings to Green.

No strings attached. Well, apart from my crazy dreams, but hey!

This could go many ways. First, of course, is that nothing will happen. Which seems most likely to be honest. But i hope not. And there are of course a million other ways this could go. Yes, i have thought about this too! For many many years. And its scary. Yes. But i do feel i gotta do this. To sort of liberate myself? Maybe? And i know i could let it go. Which is what i said two days ago. No i won’t write. No no nononono. I have my pride. I’m not gonna do this.

But every dream i have comes to this point. And i can’t get around it. I always get stuck. I change things, twist them, but it always happens. And i don’t know why.

I’ll miss my drawings. But i do think they will go to a good home.

Hopefully.

I will take the drawings with me. I will try to talk to Green. I will try to give these drawings to him. I don’t know if he will accept them.

I could fail hopelessly.

I hope i will keep myself together. Sometimes i think that it is just a small thing. These are simply small drawings i made almost thirty years ago. But to me they are not small. They have been a part of my life for all those years. And their meaning has grown for me.

I did write to Rhodri, who is in the band, in November 2014. I did send links to the pictures with that e-mail. He would ask Green about it, but warned me that he was not very good in replying to e-mails. He never did.

This is difficult for me. I hope i can make this work, somehow. I know i have grown over the past year. That will help me.

I am scared, yes. I don’t see how i could not be. One part of me wishes this was over and done with. Another part wishes to run away and lead my own life. Another part wants to stay here at home forever. But even though this is scary, i know i will go to London and i will try to give these drawings to him. I can only hope he will accept them.

Published on January 25, 2016 at 6:00 by

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