My time of continuing this sabbatical is running out. Or rather, my money is running out. I have stopped a pension saving plan. I will ask for a pay out. This will give me a little money for the next few months. I know i could get another mortgage for my house, which has a large equity. But i don’t want to go there. Yet.

It took quite some effort to get myself to decide this. It still does. But i do not want to end up depended on the Dutch government. No thank you. I do not want to leave my house. So there. Damn.


I did apply for a loan from my bank, to help me get through this period.

It is hard to maintain a blog these days. It is hard to catch people’s attention.

Once i find a job. I might change the number of updates. Going to one or two updates a week.

I’m not giving up making my work. With video, i’m just starting out. And the singing is wonderful, for me anyway! I’m thrilled i found these two things i love to do. Absolutely out of this world. Fucking unbelievable.

I do have to remind myself of this. I feel so happy. With all the trouble connected with that. With the sadness. With the wanting. That i have found something worth living for. I hardly know anybody else who sees that. One or two people maybe? But it is OK. I believe in it myself, so strong.

There is still a voice inside of me telling me it could be good still. But if the life of quiet and solitude is mine, than that is fine with me. Not my first pick, but it was mine for many many years.

I’m rambling on a bit. Thinking a lot yes. Feeling a lot. Not all good. But still. Once i started writing further on this post, i started to feel better.

This is life Ellen. You gotta deal with it.

Published on November 3, 2015 at 6:00 by

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