I’ve kept a diary for the most part of my life. My first page is when i was nine years old, 1973. The last page was 2006. The last nine years of my life i didn’t keep one.
In this post i show you some pages from my diaries up until 1987. The first page is from my oldest one. I photographed this page before for Homebase, a project from 1998, but so much smaller, it was hardly readable.
The next pages are from my diaries i kept from 1985 until 1987. I wrote a lot during that time. Multiple times a day sometimes. It’s bewildering reading those diaries now, in 2015. It’s so much, so many thoughts, crazy, wild, messy. I was desperate trying to find some peace, some rest. In those days, i couldn’t find it.
I didn’t read the diaries very thoroughly. Part of why i want to show them is the look. The handwriting. Some drawings, doodles in the sidelines. And i did use the I Ching a lot in those days.
I do feel a lot quieter now. More peaceful. And happier! The past nine years have worked out good for me. Even though my thoughts are still racing, it’s not racing in circles. My thoughts are still changing daily, moving forward.
Like today, my initial thought was to write about February 11 1986. I was going through my diaries to look up what i wrote. It is in this post. But i decided that, since i had already written about that day, i would show you the pages themselves. And some more.
I did translate some sentences in the captions. But it’s too much to translate. Still, enjoy!
Edit May 22 17:15 – I am translating the pages now, adding it to the captions.
My first diary page. I was nine years old. The first sentence is 'I enjoy learning.' Yes, i enjoyed school lots. This page
is also part of homebase. A bit smaller.
I enjoy learning, arithmetic i like the most. But now the big vacation has started, i think that is great, but it is sad that i have hardly anything to do. But today i got a diary (the diary i’m writing in now). I also have enough to read. Pocket books and also Tina’s, the Disneyland and Margriet and Panorama, and comics like Suske and Wiske and Asterix, i can go shopping, swimming, go to the beach (like tomorrow) and sunbathing. Teusday, July 3, i’m going to the circus Blotoni with mum. Agaat, Jenneke’s friend, may come too, she wants to see the lions because she wants to become a lion tamer. Greetings!! Ellen
A list of events from March 20 till August 11 1985. I have forgotten so many things. I have no idea what 'The Evening' was on June 22. Some names are just that, Mayke? Ingrid? i don't remember who they were. *sigh*
11 August 1985
- 10 o’clock
- GEB 818 (Gödel, Escher and Bach)
… all things are inextricable interconnected in time and space. All seperations, classifications of organisations discovered in the universe, are arbitrary. The world is a complex, everlasting, single event.
The self takes shape in the moment where it can reflect itself.
I do have the feeling that in the past months (from March 20, or more from June 22) i made a long journey, been into strange worlds, to get home now.
I just looked into my agenda. With all those things i got an ache in my heart.
I do not know what all happened. Will try to get through it.
March 20 - party, in love with Rik
March 26 - dinner Marian
April 30 - going out with Emmy, was fun
May 6 - Bolwerk, saw Rik that afternoon
May 16 - movie at Marian, dinner Lisa
May 28 - June 3 - vacation Tunisia
June 14 - fashion show
June 20 - going out Rik / Richard
June 21 - angry with Emmy
June 22 - The Evening
June 28 - dinner Richard
July 2 - moved in at Marian
July 8 - day with Theresa
July 11 - dinner Ineke / Ingrid - going out
July 14 - with Mayke, told Rik
July 16 - called Rik
July 20 - day with Iris
July 27 - away from Marian’s house
July 31 - back in
August 2 - dinner Helmie, Iris, Emmy
August 5 - mum in the hospital
August 11 - now
I’ve been in love with Rik for four and half months. It’s not over yet. I do hope i won’t see him for a while. It’s going better with me now than whith Marc. I do feel restless. When i think about it all there was a lot happening in a terribly short time.
What is time? I can really think about that.
Learned a lot. Got to know myself. Got to know other people a bit. Everything needs to settle down.
Goddammit, it all does hurt. Need to rest the past. Things just happened like that. In my thoughts i’m becoming a bit more objective. It’s all difficult.
Ooh girl, i love you.
11 February 1986. A few days after i made the drawings which yo can see on the lfs.nl About
page. That day i bought the Scritti Politti album Songs to remember
. As i write on this lfs page A secret
, the day i threw the I Ching and got 13 Fellowship with Men
with a changing line on the fifth place.
wednesday february 12
I will think later on that i’m crazy now.
But i will also know then that i am fooling myself.
It all fits.
But it’s good when i forget everything.
I won’t be able to imagine how i feel now.
And that is the way it’s supposed to be!
Why do i want so much?
I’ll become reckless.
SHUT YOUR FACE
You don’t know anything
Suspicions. All but riddles.
You don’t know who you are
Do no try to reach up too high
And i do know, it is hard
You have to be patient
One day something will come
Do not write it down
It’s not allowed
Nobody should know
Else you can not do normally
The most normal girl in the world
Vanity, vanity, everything is vanity
Sorry, these pages are funny. It's.. well... i was young. The only excuse i have.
community with people community of molecules
what there is
economy - philosophy
the giving of names (value)
expression of names
literature (language) music
— language is made like paint
falling out of each system of value
soul - core - is no language
community of names (language)
We hang a price ticket on everything. It’s even annoying when one forgets. You have to wait so long for the counter. The counter lady needs to go and ask how much something is. She doesn’t know herself.
It is fun to exchange price tickets.
(I have never stolen anything in a shop)
Aah, i remember this. I had dinner with Edwin and he put on an album from Rudolf Escher, still my favourite classical composer. I had forgotten i had a bit of a crush on him.
thursday May 29
I had dinner with Edwin yesterday. Was fun. Talked loads and i have discovered classical music. Edwin by the way. Do feel attracted, but not sure. I do feel at ease. I still have lots to live.
Terribly thunderstorm last night. Woke up. Almost scary. Am tired, but my head is clear. Good feeling, a clear head. Should have it more often.
I am a child. I’m almost ashamed, but i do think i’m funny. Sweet. As in ‘Ooh she is at it again’. Fooling around i always enjoyed.
I feel sad. I can deal with it, but felt nothing. Lied on bed. Cooked dinner (it’s half four).
I might be a bit in love. I do not think i can deal with that. Funny, outside a sweet blue air with white clouds. Very cliche. Nature is repeating itself.
I will see how this will develop. I do not have control of everything. I did continue with my card game today. When i just lied on bed i got some ideas for drawings. Fun.
I’m getting a bit more inspired, i think. I have to fill in a questionnaire for art school. Difficult, i think.
63 After completion
If one has crossed the river, do not look back (remember, girl)
37 The family
half six. I am restless.
half nine. Watched TV. Dansed. Felt terribly worthless. WORTHLESS (literary). A lost day. Then i took a shower. And felt better.
OK, didn’t do much. But did think. Got my period . Didn’t feel well. It’s not always a party. A bit in love. I want perfection from me.
Now i feel much better. Fresh. Gonna make a cup of tea. Read Faust (i enjoy that). Going to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.
We won’t give that easily.
And soon no more excuses over Ellen. Eat less and get to work. Else you go feel bad. You know. Try to think that vacation is over and you need to get back to work. And do not dream about Edwin too much. That boy doesn’t know how he has it.
And a bit of rest.
friday May 30
around half 11? no, 7 to 12
I am a bit more energetic. Dansed nice. Feel a bit more normal. Morning gymnastics. [unreadable] A bit happy. It’s going alright. Sweaty.
I do think it’s time to stop with the I Ching. I shouldn’t be dependant. That is what i think. Yesterday’s advice i should take to heart. I shouldn’t look back too much, after all that has happened the past weeks. I can do that later. Now i will only drown in it.
It is time for action now. Work. Do things.
The day after i did admission for art school.
With a view on school in the future i can do it best on sunday. It is of course nonsense to learn myself habits which i do need to unlearn while i’m at school.
But a morning ritual is always good. A good start is half the work.
Start this week with swimming, wednesday or thursday. That is it for this week, physically.
And mentally? Read books about art. And read about concentration exercises (psychology), maybe i can learn a bit from that. To the library this afternoon.
So. That is it for today.
Just took a shower. A cold after shower (not entirely) Ooh, i don’t like it at all. But i do notice that you feel really nice afterwards. Tingling.
Healthy mind in a healthy body. It’s like that, Plato?
And what i want to say, it should all be normal for me.
It should be normal that i like it to live in a healthy, functioning body. And that i am willing to do this. That i do not let myself be ruled by lazyness, [unreadable] and weakness.
So, once in a while, for my own good, something i didn’t like in the beginning, that i will do that anyway. For example a cold shower. For a short while it’s annoying, nasty.
But afterwards you feel good. Also mentally. I have to get used to that. And it will be a habit on a given moment, and then i can not imagine live without (if it’s right)
Well, just ate (burp) was good
Went to the library. Discovered anthropology and math. I do think i will read anything for the time being. And about art of course. Book on anthropology. Man-child. Nice nice.
I feel envigorated. I see that i need it. New things again and again. Leave other things be.
But still a view support systems. I Tjing. Wttgenstein. Till sofar. But a few outings. Nice nice.
Life is nice, isn’t it?
wednesday june 11
Yesterday admission. Went well. Drew well. Not forced. Was very tired. Also that book about Infantilisation of humanity. Many new throughts. Tiresome. Have slept the entire day a bit, even though i was awake. But i just did a nap. Have a clear head now.
I do hope i got in. I do think so, they were quite positive. About motivation too, answers to the questionnaire.
And that book is a turning point. Should read more about anthropology. Impressive. Esepcially since i’m begiining to see how i want to lead my life. Not as a child, but as a mature person, with its own responsibilities. Prepared to fight for something. With my own principles (no dogma’s). And indedd my life will become more ascetic. Already working on that. I’m very much into changing processes. Leaving old habits. Learning new ones. It all goes with trial and error. But bit by bit it all comes together. Should read The Duration.
My childhood writing.'I am a very tiny, very sad, very annoying girl with wet cheeks. I am dull and annoying and conceited. I do not mind but people shouldn't say that i should be different else i'll become terribly unhappy. I just rather be boring and dull and conceited.'
wednesday June 18
The book about Robert Irwin is very interesting. I’m beginning to see where it all is heading to and where it comes from and how logical it all fits together.
I am very quiet. (This is almost a meditative mood.)
11 Peace http://deoxy.org/iching/11
28 Preponderance of the Great http://deoxy.org/iching/28
If in a human the spirit from the heavens is ruling, than also sensuality will be under its influence, and she will find her proper place.
thursday June 19
I don’t know what i got. But i need to cry lots and i feel sad and my head stands still and i don’t see anything anymore and my cheeks are wet and i’m very sad and i can not go anywhere and i am very alone and i do not like myself at all and a conceited nasty kid and blah blah blah get lost.
But at least i cry. I felt bad since this afternoon. This morning went fine. But this afternoon it just doesn’t want to go. Crying out and start again. And read a watch tv tonight and swim tomorrow. Tomorrow afternoon to Tinie.
And still today sat in the park. I don’t know what to do with it all. It is too much for me. People ask. People decide. People talk. I’m tired of people.
I am a very tiny, very sad, very annoying girl with wet cheeks. I am dull and annoying and conceited. I do not mind but people shouldn't say that i should be different else i'll become terribly unhappy. I just rather be boring and dull and conceited.
Cezanne was a great painter
nikkie looks outside
minnie lies in a chair
next to the chair is a little table
on the little table lies a book
the book is about Paul Cezanne
Cezanne was a great painter
I am not normal. Which girl of twenty two
You see i am conceited. I think i am different.
I enjoy learning. And painting too. Bit it’s very hard and i need to learn lots for it.
Unbelievable i wrote pages full with this stuff. Yeah, i was 22. Still young. I actually do feel sorry for myself. I did make it so difficult for myself. I really couldn't see myself, my life clearly. I was such a mess!
Poems read James Joyce read read read [unreadable] 23 think about others people who read this other people don’t read this is my diary to write in thoughts
loose loose loose loose cry cry yes no the next word (not true) not true i think i am all confused to go head write confused just write stuff down do not want light in head
I do not know what i want i do not need to know Do not know what i should do Much in i do not know what i feel i feel bad now but also quite bright just keep on writing can’t stop
people so many people
relax girl relax loose loose loose just go. Just let it come breath breath deeply do not know what is happening am calmly inside do not know what you are doing
girl girl girl girl girl girl don’t know cry cry cry cry do not know cry cry cry cry not know
even am, not tired don’t know what head is above below
relax you’re going to the next page now
sweet girl so many things think now but quietly about all that happened what you wish for the rest of your life
want to love somebody
want somebody to love me
ooh want to listen to scritti
now I Ching or not
don’t know what’s right for me
can not be true
life is so or not so or different or don’t know much what it all suggests don’t go
write words in the future
looking is not possible
do not want to write
do not want
it is all so difficult
have self in my head what i should know
must not talk with other people about thoughts
what are you nagging kid
sleep well later
I guess i had to write all this stuff. Sorry :/
I also remember this day! I had dinner with my art history teacher, or, not sure what he gave. Anyways, it was really nice and fun and sweet. I don't even use punctuation on this page, the text just came rushing out! I wasn't in love no. I just really liked him. He's actually the current head of the Rotterdam art school.
I fell in love with Rene, a popular teacher. 'Just like that, suddenly, wham!'
Pfff, still in love. 'He is nice. So nice.'
Still in love. It never got to anything. I wasn't sure i wanted that anyway. I thought he was too easy. Hmm, i actually made some sense there.