Scream
On beauty
I do not feel beautiful. Looking back on old photographs, i do see i was bit pretty. Serious. Nice. I do like this old photograph of me at four years old, smiling into the camera, made at kindergarten. The shiny curly blond hair, my arms holding the puppet, the flowery top with the white collar, the light coloured pants. Sweet.
I was overweight. I went to a dietician when i was around twelve years old. I lost most of the weight when i was around sixteen years. For the next ten years or so i stayed around the same, between 65 and 70 kilos.
The next photo i made myself. I was around twenty-three years old. This was in my first house, i went to art school. I enjoyed my life. I seriously look into the camera. My hair, darker and longer, is waving tousled around my head.
I like this photo. I look pretty. Young fresh skin. Serious yes. No make-up. A part of me desires to go back to this age, relive it all once again. The friends i made, the work i explored, the fun i had. But that is gone. That world has grown day by day into my world as it is right now. You live your life only in one way, into the future. No holding back.
This morning i read this article by Tavi Gevison with the title Britney Spears Was Never in Control Why did I ever believe a teen girl could hold all the power?. I recognized her name. I followed her web magazine Rookie years ago. She writes about beauty, growing up in the USA, being a white girl, being young, experience new things, men and women and abuse. She writes about changing her mind about what she thought and felt years before.
I noticed that “gray” and “complicated” were words I used to stop questioning whatever had happened, rather than to understand it. “Formative” revealed itself to mean “traumatic.” “Creep” or “bad guy” or “pervy but not Harvey Weinstein” now strike me as wildly nonspecific euphemisms for a danger that was too uncomfortable to grapple with at the time and that, again, prioritizes men’s identities over their actions. This slow-motion aftershock has been its own traumatic event.
I was twenty-eight years old when i first had sex with somebody else. We tried once or twice without penetration. I made the first step myself feeling aroused. We did it!
I never experienced any serious threat of sexual violence in my life. The men i liked were always nice and friendly. Not only after their own pleasure. But also not interested in me. I have difficulty understanding this interplay between men and women. I remember the different daydreams i had over the years, how they evolved over time. From abstract, only expressing a warmth, a feeling of being liked, to my current daydreams, much more realistic, with someone with whom i have an honest relation. But still not that clear.
Over my life i have grown more into myself, feeling more, understanding more. My dreams and wishes have grown with it. In a world in which i do not feel threatened, in which i do not need to defend myself. A world in which i enjoy myself, i confess. But also a world i wish i could escape from. I am not sure if i ever can escape. Away from myself.
I am growing older. I turned 57 years old almost two weeks ago. I notice the wrinkles in my face, my weight, the scars life has left upon me. It is all still me.
More voting preparation
I am still struggling with th decision who to vote for next week in the House of Representatives Elections 2021. I know i am influenced by the recent events in Dutch politics. Naturally.
Never did it cross my mind i could actually vote for a right-wing party. But i must admit i really do admire Pieter Omtzigt [Dutch], member of the CDA the Dutch christian democratic party.
Today i watched the video embedded below, with David van Overbeek in conversation with Geerten Welling, historian and writer of the book called Zetelroof. The main focus of this talk is the role of the members of the House of Representatives. Are they under control of the party they belong to or are they independent thinkers. Pieter Omtzigt is talked about, his growing support in the Netherlands does change his role in the CDA. Curiosity on how this will develop in future is expressed.
This video is in Dutch.
Moving back
Today, Tuesday 9 March, i will be moving back to the room i had in December. I did enjoy living here in the centre of Rotterdam, with a television. I will kinda miss it, but it’s fine.
Salute!
Molly Goddard
Molly Goddard (born 1988/1989)[1] is a London-based, British fashion designer. Goddard grew up in Ladbroke Grove and trained at Central Saint Martins with the intention of working for a fashion house, not thinking she could have her own brand. Her eponymous brand came “accidentally” in 2015 when she started to struggle at the school and threw a fashion party for friends with designs that soon became noticed and took orders.
The Woman Who Made Princess Dresses Punk
Almond blossom
Holy
What is systematically ignored, however, is the question of what we should still understand by that sanctity without religion. The sacred is the name for that which inspires awe and determines our actions and actions, and this because we experience it as something greater and / or more important than we live in our subjective judgment and private well-being. We are not saying that this definition is complete, but at least it provides a characterization of the sacred in its psychic reality. The sacred is distinguished from the well-known “values” because the latter are understood as the result of an economic or moral evaluation of a free subject. The human being as subject is in that case the highest appreciative authority. On the other hand, the sacred is experienced as something that appeals to us and calls us to something; we are not the appreciative body here, but can at most respond to the call that in our experience emanates from the sacred self. The sacred animates us, not the other way around; that is the ethological reality of the sacred, whether it is a delusion from an external perspective or not is irrelevant.
Waar men evenwel stelselmatig aan voorbijgaat is de vraag wat we zonder religie nog onder die genoemde heiligheid dienen te verstaan. Het heilige is namelijk de naam voor datgene wat ons ontzag inboezemt en ons doen en laten bepaalt, en wel omdat we het ervaren als iets wat groter en/of belangrijker is dan wijzlef in ons subjectieve oordeel en particuliere welbevinden. We zeggen niet dat deze definitie volledig is, maar ze geeft in ieder geval een karakterisering van het heilige in zijn psychische realiteit. Het heilige onderscheidt zich van de welbekende ‘waarden’, omdat die laatste worden opgevat als het resultaat van een economische of morele waardering van een vrij subject. De mens als subject is in dat geval de hoogste waarderende instantie. Het heilige wordt daarnetegen ervaren al iets wat ons van zich uit aanspreekt en ons tot iets oproept; wij zijn hier niet de waarderende instantie, maar kunnen hooguit gehoor geven aan de oproep die in onze ervaring van het heilige zelf uitgaat. Het heilige bezielt ons, niet omgekeerd; dat is de ethologische realiteit van het heilige, of dat vanuit een uitwendig persepctief een drogbeeld is of niet doet niet ter zake.
George Monbiot – “I love not man the less, but Nature more.”
1. We’ve all had a glimpse of mortality in this pandemic, and a premonition, while housebound by lockdown, of old age. These warnings remind us to use life well. In the words of the immortal Bard (Eminem), you only get one shot. So let’s not allow our lives to be ruled by lies.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
2. I don’t mean only the lies we are told, though there are plenty of them, but also the lies we tell ourselves: the false assurances that might get us through the day, but that prevent us from connecting with what is real and worthwhile.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
3. Let’s begin by admitting that we are in a bad place. A very bad place. Climate and ecological breakdown are happening at terrifying speed. Our own mortality is shadowed by a much greater one: the closure of the conditions that support life on Earth.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
4. During the Permian-Triassic mass extinction, as contagious collapse spread from Earth system to Earth system, life was almost wiped out altogether. Roughly 90% of species became extinct. Biodiversity did not fully recover for 150 million years.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
5. We are messing with a series of interlocking, extremely complex Earth systems, that we scarcely begin to understand. If we push them past certain thresholds (thresholds that may be invisible to us until they are crossed), we could trigger a similar, cascading collapse.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
6. The world is wonderful, but it’s not magic. Its biophysical capacity is finite. We cannot endlessly extract from it, and endlessly load it with pollutants, without eventually flipping the system.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
7. Flipping the system means a transition – possibly sudden – from the stable and benign conditions that have prevailed since the last glaciation into a completely different state, that's likely to be hostile to most life. A transition of this kind is effectively irreversible.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
8. There are plenty of warnings – flickerings from a possible future – that the thresholds could be near. The fires. The freak weather. The extinctions. The spreading dead zones. We must listen to these warnings and hear what they are telling us.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
9. We reassure ourselves that “they” won’t let it happen.
But who is “they”?
Governments?
Look, they aren’t even prepared to save the subsystems: to leave fossil fuels in the ground, for example, or to prevent the collapse of marine ecosystems by reining in industrial fishing.— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
10. Why? Because we've allowed them to respond to commercial lobbyists. I mean we have failed to ensure that they respond to us. In other words, we have failed to mobilise in large enough numbers and make our voices heard about the non-trivial matter of life on Earth.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
11. So if you are looking for meaning, it's right here. There is no greater meaning than fighting for the survival of life on Earth. And this starts by unmasking lie after lie.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
12. I don’t just mean the familiar lies of the fossil fuel and mining industries. But also the less familiar lies of the banks, the consultants, the farming and fishing lobbies and, above all, the friendly, seductive faces selling us more stuff.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
13. It means uncovering the comforting lies we tell ourselves: that it isn’t really happening, or doesn’t really matter, that it’s not our responsibility, that there’s nothing we can do, that it’s already too late.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
14. Those of us who are alive right now live at an extraordinary moment. We are among the last people on Earth who are in a position to stop the thresholds from being crossed. Once it has happened, there really will be nothing we can do. But now there is.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
15. Join the groups struggling non-violently to defend and restore our life-support systems – the more uncompromising the better. Take up their calls to action, lend your skills, whatever they are, to make them stronger.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
16. If you haven’t joined such groups, please don’t ask me “but what can I do?”. There are good groups at every level: local, national, global. If they aren't yet strong enough, help them to get stronger. And if the right ones don’t exist, combine with other people to start them.
— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
17. But it begins with ceasing to lie to ourselves about what we face.
Our own mortality.
And something worse.— George Monbiot (@GeorgeMonbiot) March 3, 2021
House of Representatives Elections 2021
In two weeks time, 17 March 2021, the elections for the Dutch Tweede Kamer, the House of Representatives will be held. To be honest, i am not that much in politics, but at times i do read and watch video’s about it.
Over my life i have traveled through the whole left side of the political parties in the Netherlands; from the Communistic Party, to the Dutch Labour Party (PvdA), GreenLeft (GroenLinks) and for the past two elections the Party for the Animals (Partij voor de Dieren).
Today i did the test Stemwijzer for people to check what party best fits their view points. The two highest parties with both 71% results are GroenLinks and the PvdD for me.
One viable option for me is to stick to the Party for the Animals.
I did follow the childcare benefits scandal the past months. I am genuinely impressed by the interviews Renske Leijten, member of the SP, made on Wiebes and Blankestijn, her to the point questions, giving no time to the interviewees to settle after they could not answer a question with clarity. I think it is required of people in high office, either a minister or an officer in fiscals to have a clear memory of past events. I can imagine the anger in the interviewers being confronted with the unknowing of these officials.
I haven’t made up my mind yet. I’m not clear yet what i think of all the different programs. My doubt about what person to vote for is telling to me. Not the party, but the person is becoming more important to me.
Pieter Omtzigt is becoming a favorite of mine. The fact he is a member of the christian party CDA does make it a bit harder for me to decide to vote for him. I am still thinking and reading.
I leave you with some video clips with Renske Leijten and Pieter Omtzigt in it. All four are in Dutch.
