In a whirlwind

I was thinking. Just yet. What am i gonna write today? I went upstairs. I’m taking care of the cat of my neighbour who lives above me. I played with Joep. He/she is quite fierce. Slapping me with his paw. Not with the nails out. I gave him some fresh water and cleaned up her litter box.

Downstairs again. I made a cup of tea. And then this thought came up. So i got my first bit.

I am watching a youtube video called Talking masculinity with the ‘most dangerous therapist in the world’, Jerry Hide. It made me think of what kind of man i am interested in. What kind of man i would like to be interested in me. Not sure i am there yet. I will watch it from where i left and return here. Be right back!

I hope i have something to say. It feels to me that i do. I think in the past i have felt portions of this. I remember in the past couple of years moments of clarity. They do pass. I need to work at it. It is all muddled through.

I hope my life is part of a story. A narrative. I am actually fighting against it. I know i need to give up fighting this battle. Go with it, not against it. But this is so hard. It is still not clear enough for me. It is a mess. I still have this believe in my own free will. I take direction in my life. It is all up to me. But it is not. It feels to me that once i give up fighting, once i can set my life in its own course, than i can simply gain my life back. Because right now it doesn’t feel like my life at all. Right now i have my head full of dreams, but nothing on the outside as proof of these dreams. That they exist, they are mine.

That is it for today. I hope you have a good weekend. Salute!