The Past

Today, i was sitting on my bed, thinking about life, watching some youtube videos. Yesterday i subscribed to De Balie, this afternoon i watched their latest video, Arnon Grunberg Ontmoet Bart Nauta en Alicja Gescinska (Dutch only), halfway. I will watch the rest this evening. It did get me thinking about my life, what i want, i guess. I used to say i want to find somebody to love. That is still with me deep down in the depths. But it is not the only thing i want. I do enjoy talking with people. I like to go to the market on Saturday and talk with people there over all different sorts of things.

I thought about the time i was starting up once again, in October 2014. The post called My Boyfriend is honest.

So here I am. 50 years old. I can spend my life alone, quite happy. Or i can try to find my boyfriend. Finally.

My first response is of course to get me one, now! When I sit in the train, when I walk outside, I am watching all the people passing by. Quite desperate really. I’ve become aware that I’m in a dangerous period. I can start to feel strength in me, the power to draw people towards me. To get me what I want. Dangerous. Yes.

How would i like my boyfriend to be? Gentle, kind, sweet. My age, or a little older. My height, or a little taller. And yes, handsome 🙂 I got a list of names, but there are many more people whose name I don’t know. And of course I got dreams. I just move another picture of a face on my boyfriend. I give him another name. Easy. It’s hard to make me not do that. Might even be impossible.

So, here I am. Not entirely sure which way is the best. The only way forward I see is to follow my own heart. Which is a bit scary, truth be told. But i think i can handle myself. Finally.

I like this piece. I am following my own heart. It is scary. I wrote this almost seven years ago. A lot has happened in those years. Now i do not live in my old house anymore. I do feel sad over that. But it is alright.

I do hope i will get myself out of this hole. By writing and drawing, publishing it on this website. I realize i got myself into this hole, and i can only get myself out of it with my own work. And, truthfully, a bit soon preferably.


Published on May 10, 2021 at 6:00 by

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