That sledgehammer moment, more than five years ago, is still clear to me. That moment which shook my up, made me shiver, made me fall in love. Not with somebody i know, no. It is not the most important aspect of it to me. I have fallen in love with one or two other people since then. But only fleetingly. For like a week or two. Getting it over with quickly.
Working in the garden has taught me so much. About plants, about the schedule, about the compost, about the seeding, the harvesting. About the people too. Some of them i like as my friends. But it is all fleeting. Almost transparent.
I had a talk with a friend a couple of months ago. He told me i was not thinking straight. Delusional almost. He told me i was thinking that i was going to be saved through my website. He told me to give it up. A fantasy. Not real. I kept thinking about that talk for a long time. I remember crying. I remember at the end of the talk saying i am a woman. I am still not sure what to think of that talk.
I am feeling extremely determined. I am not budging. I feel almost like growling. I am not going along with all this. I am not agreeing. No no no no. I can see how i used to do this. Trying to find a place for myself. A place where i can feel happy. Feel loved. Feel free.
I still haven’t found it.
I know. Of course. The only possible place is with me. To find strength in myself. Power. Resistance. Intelligence.
Difficult. I do want to cave in at times. Simply keep on living, with not too much effort. Hide in the masses. Not being visible. Not being seen.
So i find myself here at the end of times. I do feel stronger. I just hope i’m strong enough. For what is coming. Of which i am not sure.
I only have hopes and fantasies and dreams guiding me. Most will not come true.
I have found myself. So happy i did.