I only have five months until i have to leave my house. During the day i feel fine, but at night i feel so afraid at times. What if all i imagine will happen to me doesn’t happen? I only have around forty-five thousand euros left, only for a year of rent. What then? What if i need to find a job after that? Only a week ago i checked the rent apartments in the center of Rotterdam, the cheapest are a thousand euros a month, and most are more fifteen hundred. What if? What if?
Scared. Nightmares circling around my head. Deep dark thoughts enter my mind. What if?
What if i break? What if i can not follow through? What if i feel lost in this world? What if i stay this small and insignificant? What if?
I wrote the previous part yesterday. Or even on Friday. Last night i was thinking about this coming to the conclusion this was a complete mistake to write. I should be tough and try to break out and be confident.
This afternoon i spoke with two people about these things in the garden. I cried. Not because i am sad, but because i am emotional. Some truths were spoken. That i put too much faith in this website. I trust it too much. I can see that point.
I said that it was hard for me to reach an outspoken truth here on this site. That each time i feel i’m simply not getting to the point i want to make. That i need one chance. Only one. That i should grab it with both hands and not let go. That i am a woman. In our patriarchate world this means i am not fully heard or seen. This makes what i do very difficult, as i have masculine traits myself. As does any person on this world.
I can not let go. Not yet anyway. I still trust myself. Despite what my friends say.
* The image at the top of this post is the duckduckgo images page for searching for the word patriarchate.