I woke up last night around four. I felt this hurt inside. The feeling i have failed in what i had set out to do.

What was that? To get out in the world. To become known. To meet people, talk to people. Like i do now, in Rotterdam, on a smaller scale. The woman i met on my walk to the Rottemeren. The woman i met when i ate a chip with mayo sitting on the side of the market. The woman i met today in the pharmacy. The man i met on the beach while i was walking from Scheveningen to Hoek van Holland. The man i talked while he was brushing sand into the joint on the Binnenrotte. Simple everyday meetings, everyday talks.

I enjoy that. Lots. I try to smile to people i walk by. Not all the time, no. But usually i do. Some people smile back, some say goodday. Some look angry, or surprised, or scared. I am careful.

I feel it does matter. It is important.

I do not know this world. I do follow the news, but i do not trust it. It has a tendency to focus on the bad stuff. It shows half the world. Or even less. Even here in Rotterdam the place is not like it is portrayed. In promotion video’s you see the best places, from the best sides, in the best weather. It is not like that.

But i digress.

What did i set out to do? To become known, to get to know the world and the people living in it a little bit better. As i said two days ago, to save the world. Which is a big thing to say! I don’t mean as in the world is set out to fail and i’m the one person to set it right. But it is also not that whatever you do doesn’t matter. It does matter.

I was born in the 60s. The 50s seemed like a lifetime before. Seemed like it was an all together different time. Now i think of my niece, who is born in the 90s. The 80s must mean the same thing for her.

But the world is still the same. Moving through time in the same pace. We, the people, are simply staying here for a short time, trying to be happy, trying to live. Through the last century, the one before that. Before that. Before that.

For me, and i think for most people, the past is like a million years ago. A time you can not get to anymore. Vanished. Disappeared. The future is not here either. It is a definite unknown. Even though you know you read this in a time after 4 November 2015, the future is still not there. You travel with everybody else in this ever present now.

It is also easy to forget. It is easy to have a pension, to have an insurance, to say you will work until you are 65, 66, 67. It is easy to set boundaries around your life. This is the time you work. This is your free time. This is your time for sleep. This is your time to eat. This is your time for sex. Everything in its own box. To live your life as you think you should, as you think everybody else does.

This world is more and more set. Defined. Compartmentalized. The first world. The third world. The rich world. The poor world. The rising world. Countries are all defined and constricted. This is mine and that is yours. Language is a maze of different meanings. What do you say? What do you mean? What is this all about?

I don’t know what life i will be living. I don’t know how long this life in western Europe will stay like this. This rich. This scared. But also loving and caring. I don’t know for how long our money will be worth what it is now. For how long you can buy the food you eat in the supermarket. We assume it will stay like this. But i’m pretty sure it won’t. Things are changing every day.

I do long for a public life. But it might be different from what i imagine.

No, of course it will be different.

What i dream, what i imagine, is settled in myself and in my past. What is new, what is the future of me, is still unknown. And i want to get to know it. I want to get to live it. I truly do.


Published on November 4, 2015 at 6:00 by



My time of continuing this sabbatical is running out. Or rather, my money is running out. I have stopped a pension saving plan. I will ask for a pay out. This will give me a little money for the next few months. I know i could get another mortgage for my house, which has a large equity. But i don’t want to go there. Yet.

It took quite some effort to get myself to decide this. It still does. But i do not want to end up depended on the Dutch government. No thank you. I do not want to leave my house. So there. Damn.


I did apply for a loan from my bank, to help me get through this period.

It is hard to maintain a blog these days. It is hard to catch people’s attention.

Once i find a job. I might change the number of updates. Going to one or two updates a week.

I’m not giving up making my work. With video, i’m just starting out. And the singing is wonderful, for me anyway! I’m thrilled i found these two things i love to do. Absolutely out of this world. Fucking unbelievable.

I do have to remind myself of this. I feel so happy. With all the trouble connected with that. With the sadness. With the wanting. That i have found something worth living for. I hardly know anybody else who sees that. One or two people maybe? But it is OK. I believe in it myself, so strong.

There is still a voice inside of me telling me it could be good still. But if the life of quiet and solitude is mine, than that is fine with me. Not my first pick, but it was mine for many many years.

I’m rambling on a bit. Thinking a lot yes. Feeling a lot. Not all good. But still. Once i started writing further on this post, i started to feel better.

This is life Ellen. You gotta deal with it.

Published on November 3, 2015 at 6:00 by

Saving the world

The past year i’ve spend mostly by myself. I did have some meetings with old friends. It wasn’t as lonely as it was the years before. The years i didn’t work on my own stuff, on and here on The time before filled with the paid work i used to do, making websites.

Last friday i was on a Beertasting in Het Wilde Weten (The Wild Knowledge). I told somebody that i spend my last year on a sabbatical. I liked that word. Sabbatical. A good word for this past year. In which i started working again on, after eight years of silence. I made my final present, started up and set out blogging about my past, my old work, my old diaries. To end up here. Singing songs. Making video’s.

I started daydreaming again last year. About many different things. Saving the world! I did try to talk about it once. But it is hard. I see that more clearly now. I kept thinking about this post i wrote in April: My futures. This post was on my mind over the past few months. It’s also not that easy, to simply say you choose this or that future. Your future is embedded inside you, in the choices you have made, in the paths you have walked in your life. My life is singular. I tried connecting to other people, but mostly my relations with friends vanished over time. So i might be able to make a choice. I’m not bound to anyone, limiting me in what i pick. It does make me sad. But it is also liberating.

I was thinking about writing this post during the day. I was writing other things, forgotten already.

I’m gonna finish this post and will start listening to Rudolf Escher. With a glass of red wine. Cheers!

Published on November 2, 2015 at 6:00 by

Making a selfie

When i went to visit my mum in the weekend, i walked for two hours. It was a lovely day, half the walk was through a small forest. I made many clips. I had decided that was gonna be my clip for this week.

Last night, around four or five, i was lying in the dark. Thinking, dreaming. About my friends. People i know. Suddenly the thought about my first ideas for video clips came up. Me. Dancing. Ooh.. i had started on the Leusden clip, but those were clips already familiar to me. I realized i should move forward. Not make something i had already made.

So i did start with the dancing. Not that i used any of it. But still. An hour after that i made some clips of me sitting in front of the window. That worked better.

I went to the market. For an hour or so. When i got back home i started to put on some make up. Not that much. A bit of eye shadow. Bright red lipstick. Glossy. I made some more clips.

This evening i imported all the clips in iMovie. I made a new project and added all the clips, full length. I added some music. Not Around the world from Daft Punk. But Brian Eno and David Byrne tracks from My life in the bush of ghosts. I did notice the start and end bits of the clips. When i turn around the camera to stop the filming. The parts where i move the camera real close through my hair. The parts where its blurry. The parts where its too bright. I like it.

I am getting older. I see the lines on my face. The wrinkles around my eyes. I weigh too much. I do see that. I can not deny that.

It is so easy to forget. It is so easy to not see it. Filming myself, makes me painfully aware of it.

I do like to see how my mind works during work. How i try something, which doesn’t work. But i see something else, which shines. And i go for that. And i move along. And i watch and make new clips, and watch some more. And then i go and sit behind the computer and start to edit. And watch. And get more ideas. And tomorrow i will make more clips. I’m sure they will be different. And add the clips. And edit more. Happy times!

Published on October 28, 2015 at 6:00 by

Everybody Wants to Rule the World

Everybody Wants to Rule the World. The thought of singing this song only crossed my mind last week. I do have the album Songs from the Big Chair, but it did fade into the background over the years. It’s still not prominent to me really, but the thought of singing this song was enticing. It stuck.

A couple of weeks ago i made a playlist with the sing along songs on Spotify. I’m adding some new songs to this list, so i can sing along with them as well and make up my mind. Today i added Everybody Wants to Rule the World and decided straightaway to sing this one. I do have some difficulty with the final two words of the title. They do go quite low, too low for me really. I did try some variations, but it sounds completely different when i go up at the end. And shifting the key of the entire song makes it way too high for me. So yeah, sorry, but this is how it goes for me right now.

I do sing along with these songs a couple of times a week. I like the songs, i like the singing along and it is a training for my voice. I do feel, after an hour or more that i can sing better. A bit anyway.

I hope you will like it. Enjoy!

Tears For Fears – Everybody Wants To Rule The World
Welcome to your life; there’s no turning back
Even while we sleep we will find
You acting on your best behavior
Turn your back on mother nature
Ev’rybody wants to rule the world

It’s my own desire, it’s my own remorse
Help me to decide. Help me make the most
Of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world

There’s a room where the light won’t find you
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down
When they do, I’ll be right behind you
So glad we’ve almost made it
So sad they had to fade it
Ev’rybody wants to rule the world

I can’t stand this indecision
Married with a lack of vision
Everybody wants to rule the world
Say that you’ll never, never, never, need it
One headline, why believe it?
Everybody wants to rule the world

All for freedom and for pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world

The original video

Published on October 27, 2015 at 6:00 by

To Leusden

Today the wintertime started once more. This morning i woke up around 8. It gave me enough time to get my breakfast, wrap up my present for my mum and even put on a bit of make-up.

I walked from the train station Amersfoort to Leusden. I had told my mum a bigger time frame through which i would be there. So today i walked through the forest. It was nice, the leaves were mostly yellow and orange and red and green. I did see some mushrooms. But the best mushrooms i saw in Leusden! Big red with white spots.

I got home around half past seven. It was completely dark. It was dark when i was in the train. So tonight i did put on my headphones and listed to some music. Yay! I kept on listening to the music when i walked home form the train station here in Rotterdam.

See ya tomorrow!

Published on October 26, 2015 at 6:00 by


Today i wrote an email to a friend. I also did some shopping. I read a bit. I watched tv. Expedition Robinson.

Tomorrow i have an appointment with the dental hygienist, at eleven. I do need to clean up my house. Vacuum clean. Clean up the hall with some water. Mop. I just looked up the translation for the Dutch word dweilen. Crawl? Seems very unlikely to me. A wet mop sounds better. Anyway, i do hope i will do this tomorrow. And then i will relax a little. Friday is a day off for me. As is Saturday.

Ooh, i do need to call my mum tomorrow. It’s her birthday!

I will also need to get her present done. I already know what it is. I won’t tell though. It is a secret!

Have a lovely weekend. Kiss 💋

Published on October 23, 2015 at 6:00 by

Rotterdam – The People

Making this video clip was a lot of work. Filming all the different clips on four separate days. Editing the clip. Picking the music. The Cinematic Orchestra i’ve known for eleven / twelve years. This song is from the album Man with a Movie Camera. From all the songs in my list for this clip, i liked this one the most. Even though i get a bit sad while watching the clip.

I hope you will like this clip. Enjoy!

Published on October 22, 2015 at 6:00 by