For today, Easter Sunday, i didn’t have any plans. I wasn’t going to the garden, would not go the a shop. But i did want to go out for a short walk. Sit on bench and look out over the neighbourhood. I met Noortje and Kees with their owners. They ran after each other, over the path, down the steps and up again. They sniffed my hand. Not really interested. Much more alive with being outside and meeting a nice other dog to play with.
It was only an half an hour walk through the park behind the house i currently live in. But still so alive with the trees and grasses and flowers and birds flying around or swimming in the water. The heron standing in the water occasionally bending its head trying to find food. I presume.
My head is full most of the time. I’d rather have it empty ready to take in anything that comes.
Daffodils between the roads
A blossoming tree on the way to the park
Kees and Noortje
Sitting on a bench and looking out
The road ahead
Las night i was lying awake once again. Like i did a few days ago. On and off, a couple of nights a week i lie awake. Eventually i will fall asleep. And then wake up again.
Last night i found myself thinking. Half of it i have forgotten now. But some things i do remember. I remember thinking about today. I knew the weather was going to be nice. I planned to go outside and sit in this nice little park behind the house i am staying in. Read a book. Which is exactly what i did. I already posted the photo i made yesterday while i was sitting in the exact same spot.
Last night i thought about myself, my life in this world, the choices i have made, the consequences i am still living with. I thought about what i said to my two sisters when they came to my old place. “I want to have a boyfriend.” Go to Tinder one sister said. I thought about the attractive house lord i stayed with last summer. Go to Tinder, you’ll have a boyfriend in no time he said.
That is not what i want to do. Hell no. It is not about sex. I want to live my own life, in this world. But yes, preferably with somebody else, who i can talk with, laugh with, cook for. Ordinary things. Extraordinary at the same time. And yes, sex. Of course. I long for it. Luckily i am capable to simply put that longing aside, live my life as good as i can. But yeah, the nights can be difficult.
My thoughts of last night do seem closer to me, clearer to me. But it is still hidden, hidden in the night, in the dark. Hidden in the darkness shot through with the moonshine.
Published on March 31, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
It is hard for me to write something which is interesting for somebody else to read, which makes somebody curious about my life, which gives an insight in how i live my life these days.
The past three days i have been aroused. My mind is focused on exactly that: kissing, touching, breathing, smiling, feeling ecstatic. It is all in my mind. I loose myself more and more, each time this feeling comes over me it is becoming more detailed. Nothing is going on in real life. Imagine.
I do think it is important. There is a movement in there. A growing independence, a growing distance. Each time i can let myself get into it more, stare at it, feel it washing all over me. And not let it take me away, not loose control. Apart from loosing a good night sleep. A minor detail.
It is confusing. Interesting, to me. This rapture i feel is a part of me, not somebody else. It is all me.
Salute! Enjoy your weekend 🙂
Published on March 26, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
I am so ambivalent on my future course in life.
I look back on the posts i have written on this website. I like most of them. They are close to me. Others are a bit more distant. But still, each post is a part of my life. Whether i am right or wrong.
I don’t know what to do. What to think. What is my story? I feel lost right now.
Teeth clenched and hands in fists. Not giving up!
Ooh do get a grip woman. So childish the way you speak here!
Published on March 25, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
Living means continuously growing up, learning from your experiences, making mistakes, becoming aware of those, doing something else, making other mistakes. And sometimes doing things right. Hopefully more over time.
That is how i see my own life. I don’t want to be dependent of somebody else, i want to make my own way through life. My own way, my own course. Independent.
This is something i have felt over the past years. Could be even since i started working, in 1994. Going slowly, sure. But steady and secure.
I am still not giving up.
Published on March 24, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen