Thinking about stuff

Early in the afternoon i went out for a short walk. Quite suddenly really, i hadn’t thought about doing this at all during the morning. I went to the bench curving around the tree in the park behind my current house. I made a photo of the view, as i have done quite a few times before. Then i made a photo of myself. I sat there only for five minutes or so. Then i walked on.

It is almost seven years now since i decided to live my own life, sell of my house, live of the money i made of that, do whatever to try to get something out of myself. It is hard. For the past six months i have been living in my current house. In a month i will be moving to another house, from friends of friends who will be moving away for six months. I am looking forward to that. My own little place.

I don’t know how i will continue. Well, apart from this blog of course. Drawings, photographs, writings mostly. Onward.

Published on September 17, 2021 at 6:00 by

Abortion and other things

I am not sure how i feel about abortion. For me right now it is no longer an issue, since i can not get pregnant anymore. I’m also quite careful with myself. I did not have penetrative sex with anybody for the past 28 years. But when i was younger i was taking the pill for five years. Taking the pill. Simple words for something not so simple at all. When i was around 21 or 22 years old i stopped taking it. I wasn’t having sex, i felt i was putting these hormones in my system each and every day for no reason at all. Well, apart from my period. But once i stopped with them i found out my period wasn’t giving me the aches i had when i was younger. So that was that.

In 1993 i had a short relationship of around two months. The last time we had sex the condom broke. My partner suggested to me to take a morning after pill. Which i did. I didn’t want to get pregnant. Of course i was uncertain i was pregnant at all, but to be sure i felt it was a passable thing to do. I never had any thoughts about having a abortion ever in my life. I’m happy to say.

What would i have done if i was pregnant? In the ideal situation i would be in a steady relationship and i would have gotten the child. But if not, what would i have done? I don’t know. I have been thinking about this for the past few years. Or rather, thinking about why i never got a child, why i never got a boyfriend. Was i too picky? Was i setting myself up with too high demands? Didn’t i have a child wish?

I don’t think i had. I’m leaving behind the question why i didn’t have a boyfriend to another post, or not talk about that at all. A child of my own. No, that wasn’t in my system. I cried over it one time in my early 40s. The past few years i thought about this once again and i do feel sorrow over this. Sorrow my life will not be the usual life most people experience, of having a relationship, having children growing up in your care.

While i’m writing this i do feel tears coming up. But i am not full of regret. I can accept this as a fact, as a consequence of my own choosing how to live my own life. I can see the different roads a life can take. I took a different path than the one most people take.

I do feel the need to be more careful with me take on abortion. I’m not against it, but i am also not in favour of it. Sex and procreation are basically the same thing. The use of the pill, over the past sixty years has build a division between them. Nowadays people are used to having sex with no consequences at all. And when a little accident happens, something that doesn’t fit into your life, you get rid of it. I find myself doubting my own views from when i was so much younger, when i was so very much pro abortion, in an idealized sense of course. On the whole i do criticize my own thoughts from those days, my 20s and 30s mostly. I don’t think i was actually thinking my thoughts in that time. Simply repeating the things i heard around me, making a selection of the best sounding thoughts.

Right now i am trying to stay clear of having my own set of thoughts. I am trying to listen more, stay quiet and pay attention what other people are saying, without letting these thoughts taking me over.

Strange how ones life can develop over time.

Published on September 14, 2021 at 6:00 by

Comment on What makes us modern?

Modern means technology, industry, cities, cars.
That is a current meaning of the word modern. The word modern in 1500 meant “now existing”, “of or pertaining to present or recent times”. It derived from the French moderne or late Latin modernus. Over the several hundred years the meaning of this word stayed close to the time of use. Modern now means something else than from the word modern used a hundred years ago. So now it does mean technology, industry, cities, cars. Amongst things.

The traditional life was circular. We were tied to the land.
Our current lives stretch out in a long linear line between our early to late twenties to the day we get our pension, usually the late sixties. Children do not play a large part in this line. We raise them up and let them go, free to find what they want to do. In earlier times children were more inclined to follow the footsteps their father made. The seasons played a big part in our lives then. Now we have lights outside and inside to enlighten our after sunset hours. I don’t think we were tide to the land more, apart from the farmers whose work was to till the land.

Separating time and space
The quantification of time and space, the measurement of time and space makes us experience the world differently. The clock has standardized time, making each minute the same. The meter, or yard, or whatever measurement you take, has calculated space to its finest grain. This does change the meaning of the words time and space. We all live our lives within the standardized use of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and years.

Trains only make sense if we know what time they are leaving.
It was the arrival of train in the 19th century which made the clocks in a country more standardized. Until that time clocks in a city was closer to the sundial time. There was no way to compare the time of different cities with each other. You traveled on horseback or walking between cities. Train made the distance smaller, and also measurable. In November 1840 in the UK the first railway time was first applied.

The disembedding of social systems. Disembedding refers to our ability to interact with one another without having to make face-to-face contact. We can make mass appointments with people all over the world and state that at a certain time at a certain date we will all take each other hands for example. I do remember in 1995 for the first time i talked with someone who lived on the West coast of the United States in Micromuse, an online mud type environment. I felt amazed by that.

Money depersonalizes. It is a system which gives almost everything a certain value. Everything can be measured against anything else. A days work, a car, a tomato, anything will be given value. And the things that fall out of this, a persons life, a smile, anything like that, are of no value at all. In this system.

Expert systems
Modernity requires faith. Faith in the expertise of other people, who are trained to know a lot about a specific quite small area.

Trust is integral to modern life. What is the other side of trust? Risk. Trust involves an absence from local decisions. We trust that we know that the professionals know what they are doing.
Our whole world is build on trust. But are we sure the professionals are looking after our personal interests? Of course we are not.

Published on September 9, 2021 at 6:00 by