It is my own desire for safety which confounds me. Safety, security, a shield against all the dangerous things the world hurls at you. Don’t let it touch! Be invincible, invulnerable.

I am scared of the future. As i should be, of course. I do not know what the future will bring. That makes me come alive with all sorts of defenses against all sorts of dangers coming my way. But what dangers? What defenses?

I don’t know.

I live now, not in the future where all these troubles lurk. Of course, i can cross over the street and be run over by a car. I can fall down a stair and drop to my death. Anything can happen.

I don’t know.

Another part of me revels in dreaming up idolized persons. I will fall in love. Someone else will fall in love with me. I will become famous. Legendary even.

But i don’t know.

I think i know many things. The books i have read, the walks i have made, the dances i danced away, the songs i have sung, the earth i worked in, the drawings i made, the photographs i made. Not all terribly good. Still a work i feel proud of. But do i know these things? Do i really?

And then there is me.

A growing older woman in her late fifties, with grey hair, slightly overweight. That is what i look like from the outside. The inside is a mixture of emotions, some scared, some hopeful. My heart is pounding inside of me.

What am i? Who is this i i am speaking of here? What does it all mean? Is there some meaning? Anywhere?

I do not know.

Life is confusing. There are the multitudes of things you are able to become aware of. There are the books, the movies, videos you are able to see and hear. There is the music in which you may loose yourself. There is the entire world filled with stuff. There are the other people. All strangers.

The past few years i met some men i liked. It was quickly over. But it was worthwhile. I learned to be more independent. I learned to be more thoughtful. I became more grown up.

I am alone. I don’t mind that. I do wish for being loved and loving someone else. But i am not sure how that would feel. Deep at night, my mind wanders. I am only human. I am a multitude of likes and dislikes. Most change over time. Some things are hidden deep inside of me. Some hardly even surface here, on this website, which is my place, the centre of my being. So it feels.

I write this post and categorize it in Column. Only a year ago i wrote the first post for this category, Contagious. I enjoy writing, rewriting and deleting text. I enjoy drawing, singing, photographing, writing about cooking, about the world and its highlights and atrocities, about myself and my idiosyncrasies.

This post is difficult to write. I deleted whole paragraphs. I copied and pasted text in completely different order. And that while this post was so clear to me during the beginning of the week. I will write it i thought. I will let it all come out of me. Yes! Today it is hard. It seems like i have forgotten it all. But i feel happy with what i have written so far. It wasn’t what i thought about earlier, but it is worthwhile. To me anyway.

And here in my life right now it is peaceful. The sun is shining. In the backyard of the house there is a blossoming tree. Birds are singing.

I am stronger than i thought. Keep it up!