Walking in the cold

I left home around one, headed towards the garden. My plan was to get my bike on my way over there. After around five minutes i realized that i didn’t have the key for my bike with me. Ooh well, another day then. No rush.

I bought almonds on my way over, salted smoked almonds. I am doing my best with the keto diet. I have been hiding things from myself too much. The bread i like to eat, the cookies i like, the french fries i enjoy so much. I have started measuring my glucose again. In the morning it is so high. I really need to get a grip on this. Loose some weight, be a bit more firm with myself, get it under control. Do it!

So, yes, walking to the garden. I was the first, i went into the kitchen and set up water for tea and made coffee. It was raining, it was cold. Terrible really. We sat under the roof outside and talked about things to do. I realized i didn’t feel like working at all. So yeah, that is what i said. I walked back home. Pffff.

This song was stuck in my mind. Big City from Tol Hansse.

Halfway back home this song got stuck, Lovely Dy from Bill Withers. Yo be honest, i like this one better than Big City. I think i heard it last week, not sure where.

Published on December 10, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Wait and act

Last Sunday in the garden someone told me about a book about waiting he had read. He said that waiting itself was very important. To be patient, to let things go. I agreed, for a part, with him. I said to him that it was important to know when to wait and when to act.

Over the past days this short talk was in my mind. I know waiting is so important. Being patient, learning, looking outside and inside. But i do know that acting is equally as important. Knowing when to act is still a mystery to me. I hope i can find the right time for it.

I am pretty sure it is soon.

Published on December 9, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Outsider

Over the last few weeks this word was humming in my mind: outsider. That is what i feel like. Through my own actions. I sold my house, against the advice of my family and of my friends. I am living in rooms now and my money is getting less. All my decisions.

Why? Why am i doing this to myself? Why not trying to find a job, trying to make things work in this world, find a feeling of security in myself.

I have asked these questions before. I am still not sure of the answers. It does come done to that feeling i had in 2014, that hit with a sledgehammer telling me i need to work work work! Which is what i am doing today. Still responding. Still not letting go, still biting my teeth and trying to go through this, this moment of not knowing, feeling helpless and unsure of what to do next. Feeling like i am almost giving up. Almost.

I have driven myself outside of this Western European society i am living in, the Netherlands. I still walk through town, watching the people riding or walking by. I let the dogs sniff my hands if they want to. I smile when i see an opening in someone’s eyes. But i am an outsider.

There are many more people like me living outside of the main working body of this Dutch society. Homeless people, people without work, old people, young people with still so many possibilities in front of them.

But i have picked my path. I am sticking to it. I try to walk it with dignity, quiet, paying attention to what surrounds me. I still make mistakes. Sometimes i am not sure of what to do next. But this is my path, the way i walk steadily with conviction. Unsure, yes. But determined. Yes.

Published on December 7, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Reading slow

I haven’t been reading much over the past weeks. Months even. The library closed for a couple of weeks. Just before i had returned the books i had. A week and a half ago i went to the library to see if i could find anything.

Today i started reading it again. I was only in for a couple of pages anyway. It is from the historical philosophical section from the library. I don’t know anything specific about the quality of this book and this writer, H.W. von der Dunk, but i do enjoy reading this, albeit slowly.

From what i gather from the title and the introduction this book is about the influence of exact sciences and technology on our current society. The large groups of specialists make it difficult to understand each other.

I do find myself reading so much slower than i used to do a couple of years ago. While i let a sentence show its meaning to me, i can read it for a couple of times at least. And i know i will forget it in a few hours.

I do miss the rush into a story sometimes. But that is what fiction is for. This book is non-fiction, and it does take more time. I do hope i can finish it one day.

I do find myself thinking about history. Our view of the past as human beings. The past that has brought us where we are right now. The past of which we only know so little. Only through texts, lists, drawings, paintings, buildings, institutes, legal documents and any other leftover from the past can we make a guess to what living in a time before ours was like. It is very difficult for us to see what makes us who we are, what makes us different from the ones from the past, what makes us the same.

I remember reading the book by Walter J. Ong called Orality and Literacy: The Technologizing of the Word (1982), way back in the 90s. I ended up buying this book, since i loved it so much. The development of human life in a world growing from a completely oral society to our current high technological use of secondary language is astonishing. This is so difficult to get a clear grip on.

Stuff to think about. Salute!

Reviews
De wereld als getal
De wereld als getal

Published on December 3, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Mark Rutte

Mark Rutte, Dutch Prime Minister, 2010 - ...
Mark Rutte called the Dutch toeslagenaffaire een verschrikkelijk ongeluk, a terrible accident. An accident is an unplanned event that sometimes has inconvenient or undesirable consequences. The toeslagenaffaire, the childcare allowance affair is one of the most shocking affairs in Dutch politics over the past years.
Published on November 30, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Determination

Today i went to the storage company where i rent 15 cubik meters to put away some more things: my pillow, some clothes i do not wear, my drawings things, my English Dutch dictionary, a book from Kate Raworth. Still room for those things. I went on my bike, but i did step of for a short time. I got a bit tired.

I found myself in this landscape with cars and a highway and stop signs. Lots of cars. Not my world really. Still, cars have their uses.

I was thinking about this post, the follow up to Stubborn and Patience. This word came up in my mind: Determination. Something which i feel even more than being stubborn and being patient. The wolf i drew a couple of weeks ago shows that to me. I can feel this growl inside of me. Grrrr. I don’t think people around me are very aware of this. I am on the whole quite nice, friendly, open. Not wolf like at all. But yes, i feel this inside me. Not giving up, not letting go, having my teeth in a piece and growling.

I do hope things will turn out good for me. I do hope i will not sleep on the streets, out in the open. I do hope i will find friends. And i do hope i will find someone to love and share my life with. But until then i want to live my life as i see fit. And actually, after that too!

Published on November 27, 2020 at 6:00 by
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