Categories for My story

After Completion

Today i have worked on my new videoclip. In which i sing a song. On my own. First i thought i would finish it in one day. But no. Copying took a long time. Filming did too. And in the back of my mind i knew one day was really short. So i have given myself another day to work on it. And make some more clips.

I can only make it the best i can possibly make. Sing the best i can possibly sing. It is hard. But i have to do this.

*hugs*

36. Ming I / Darkening of the light

above K’UN THE RECEPTIVE, EARTH
below LI THE CLINGING, FIRE

Here the sun has sunk under the earth and is therefore darkened. The name of the hexagram means literally “wounding of the bright”; hence the individual lines contain frequent references to wounding. The situation is the exact opposite of that in the foregoing hexagram. In the latter a wise man at the head of affairs has able helpers, and in company with them makes progress; here a man of dark nature is in a position of authority and brings harm to the wise and able man.

THE JUDGMENT

DARKENING OF THE LIGHT. In adversity
It furthers one to be persevering.

One must not unresistingly let himself be swept along by unfavorable circumstances, nor permit his steadfastness to be shaken. He can avoid this by maintaining his inner light, while remaining outwardly yielding and tractable. With this attitude he can overcome even the greatest adversities. In some situations indeed a man must hide his light, in order to make his will prevail inspite of difficulties in his immediate environment. Perseverance must dwell in inmost consciousness and should not be discernible from without. Only thus is a man able to maintain his will in the face of difficulties.

THE IMAGE

The light has sunk into the earth:
The image of DARKENING OF THE LIGHT.
Thus does the superior man live with the great mass:
He veils his light, yet still shines.

In a time of darkness it is essential to be cautious and reserved. One should not needlessly awaken overwhelming enmity by inconsiderate behavior. In such times one ought not to fall in with the practices of others; neither should one drag them censoriously into the light. In social intercourse one should not try to be all-knowing. One should let many things pass, without being duped.

THE LINES

° Six in the fifth place means:
Darkening of the light as with Prince Chi.
Perseverance furthers.

Prince Chi lived at the court of the evil tyrant Chou Hsin, who, although not mentioned by name, furnished the historical example on which this whole situation is based. Prince Chi was a relative of the tyrant and could not withdraw from the court; therefore he concealed his true sentiments and feigned insanity. Although he was held a slave, he did not allow external misery to deflect him from his convictions. This provides a teaching for those who cannot leave their posts in times of darkness. In order to escape danger, they need invincible perseverance of spirit and redoubled caution in their dealings with the world.

63. Chi Chi / After Completion

above K’AN THE ABYSMAL, WATER
below LI THE CLINGING, FIRE

This hexagram is the evolution of T’ai PEACE. The transition from confusion to order is completed, and everything is in its proper place even in particulars. The strong lines are in the strong places, the weak lines in the weak places. This is a very favorable outlook, yet it gives reason for thought. For it is just when perfect equilibrium has been reached that any movement may cause order to revert to disorder. The one strong line that has moved to the top, thus effecting complete order in details, is followed by the other lines. Each moving according to its nature, and thus suddenly there arises again the hexagram P’i, STANDSTILL. Hence the present hexagram indicates the conditions of a time of climax, which necessitate the utmost caution.

THE JUDGMENT

AFTER COMPLETION. Success in small matters.
Perseverance furthers.
At the beginning good fortune.
At the end disorder.

The transition from the old to the new time is already accomplished. In principle, everything stands systematized, and it is only in regard to details that success is still to be achieved. In respect to this, however, we must be careful to maintain the right attitude. Everything proceeds as if of its own accord, and this can all too easily tempt us to relax and let thing take their course without troubling over details. Such indifference is the root of all evil. Symptoms of decay are bound to be the result. Here we have the rule indicating the usual course of history. But this rule is not an inescapable law. He who understands it is in position to avoid its effects by dint of unremitting perseverance and caution.

THE IMAGE

Water over fire: the image of the condition
In AFTER COMPLETION.
Thus the superior man
Takes thought of misfortune
And arms himself against it in advance.

When water in a kettle hangs over fire, the two elements stand in relation and thus generate energy (cf. the production of steam). But the resulting tension demands caution. If the water boils over, the fire is extinguished an its energy is lost. If the heat is too great, the water evaporates into the air. These elements here brought in to relation and thus generating energy are by nature hostile to each other. Only the most extreme caution can prevent damage. In life too there are junctures when all forces are in balance and work in harmony, so that everything seems to be in the best of order. In such times only the sage recognizes the moments that bode danger and knows how to banish it by means of timely precautions.

Published on January 31, 2017 at 6:00 by
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Deliverance






K’un – Oppression (Exhaustion)

47. K’un – Oppression (Exhaustion)

above Tui The Joyous, Lake
below K’an The Abysmal, Water

The Judgement

Oppression. Success. Perseverance.
The great man brings about good fortune.
No blame.
When one has something to say,
It is not believed.

Times of adversity are the reverse of times of success, but they can lead to success if they; befall the right man. When a strong man meets with adversity, he remains cheerful despite all danger, and this cheerfulness is the source of later successes; it is that stability which is stronger than fate. He who lets his spirit be broken by exhaustion certainly has no success. But if adversity only bends a man, it creates in him a power to react that is bound in time to manifest itself. No inferior man is capable of this. Only the great man brings about goof fortune and remains blameless. It is true that for the time being outward influence is denied him, because his words have no effect. Therefore in times of adversity it is important to be strong within and sparing of words.

The Image

There is no water in the lake:
The image of Exhaustion.
Thus the superior man stakes his life
On following his will.

When the water has flowed out below, the lake must dry up and become exhausted. That is fate. This symbolizes an adverse fate in human life. In such times there is nothing a man can do but acquiesce in his fate and remain true to himself. This concerns the deepest stratum of his being, for this alone is superior to all external fate.

The Lines

() Nine in the fifth place means:
His nose and feet are cut off.
Oppression at the hands of the man with the purple knee bands.
Joy comes softly.
It furthers one to make offerings and libations.

An individual who has the good of mankind at heart is oppressed from above and below (this is the meaning of the cutting off of nose an defeat). He finds no help among the people whose duty it would be to aid in the work of rescue (ministers wore purple knee bands). But little by little, things take a turn for the better. Until that time, he should turn to God, firm in his inner composure, and pray and offer sacrifice for the general well-being.

40. Hsieh – Deliverance

above Chên The Arousing, Thunder
below K’an The Abysmal, Water

The Judgement

Deliverance. The southwest furthers.
If there is no longer anything where one has to go,
Return brings good fortune.
If there is still something where one has to go,
Hastening brings good fortune.

This refers to a time in which tensions and complications begin to be eased. At such times we ought to make our way back to ordinary conditions as soon as possible; this is the meaning of “the southwest.” These periods of sudden change have great importance. Just as rain relieves atmospheric tension, making all the buds burst open, so a time of deliverance from burdensome pressure has a liberating and stimulating effect on life. One thing is important, however: in such times we must not overdo our triumph. The point is not to push on farther than is necessary. Returning to the regular order of life as soon as deliverance is achieved brings good fortune. If there are any residual matters that ought to be attended to, it should be done as quickly as possible, so that a clean sweep is made and no retardations occur.

The Image

Thunder and rain set in:
The image of Deliverance.
Thus the superior man pardons mistakes
And forgives misdeeds.

A thunderstorm has the effect of clearing the air; the superior man produces a similar effect when dealing with mistakes and sins of men that induce a condition of tension. Through clarity he brings deliverance. However, when failings come to light, he does not dwell on them; he simply passes over mistakes, the unintentional transgressions, just as thunder dies away. He forgives misdeeds, the intentional transgressions, just as water washes everything clean.

Published on January 25, 2017 at 6:00 by
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Giacometti

Alberto Giacometti – 10 October 1901 – 11 January 1966 – is one of the artists i knew before i went to art school. I went to La Grande Parade, the goodbye exhibition of the Stedelijk Museum Amsterdam director Edy de Wilde. Giacometti’s work was part of this collection. I’m not sure i saw it clearly at the time. But it did stay with me.

A year later there was an exhibition in the Haags Gemeentemuseum in The Hague from 1 March till 12 May 1986. I still see images in my head of walking through these exhibition. Drawings, paintings and sculpture were shown here. I bought the catalogue and read it thoroughly back home.

Over the years my admiration for Giacometti has faded. I still love his work, yes, but it doesn’t play a big part in my life. Still, a few thoughts have stayed with me.

My first year in art school was fantastic. I loved working for all the different subjects taught. I initially went there with the thought i would go into graphic design, but i switched. Painting! So that was my second year. I failed horribly. I got a big zero, a big null from my painting teacher. So the next year i had to switch. Monumental and photography. Better choices. I was getting more into political oriented art, current affairs art. I liked Gilbert & George, Jeff Koons, Andy Warhol. Not that i completely understood why they made their work, but still.

When i had finished art school, with a proper diploma, i had a couple of years of care of the government. Those were the easy times. One or two assignments. The organization of Sexposition with a friend from art school. But i didn’t feel comfortable in the art world. So i jumped out, in 1994, when i got the opportunity to get a proper job and earn my own living.

Giacometti by that time was far back over the horizon. My time was spend with computers. I started working on my own website in 1997. And that was it. I found my way.

So i’m not sure why i picked Giacometti as a post last week. I have the one for Andy Warhol still standing as a draft. But that one requires more work. This one is a bit easier. I think. Not sure.

I always enjoyed his paintings more than his sculpture. Even though he is more well known for his sculpture. Maybe because it seems more finished? The sculptures are rough. You can see the manual labour in them, but they still appear before your eyes as a piece complete in itself. The drawings and paintings are sketchy. Lines are not used to depict all the textures and shapes of the visible world, but to almost write a person. The drawing or painting is not a world on its own, with its two dimensional depiction. It is an active looking into this world, into the objects and subjects of it.

A few thoughts have stayed with me. One is that when i am old with my life mostly finished, i will return to drawing and painting. Right now, i am not sure about this. I don’t know if this is still a true thought. I don’t know what i’ll be doing once i’m old. Still have a lot of life to live. I’m not planning my life all beforehand. I like some surprises!

I also see in Giacometti’s work someone struggling. To make an honest portrayal of what he understand this world to be. I hope he has felt he has succeeded several times. Not that success is the one and only measure of a life and a work. The work itself, the effort put into it counts too. I should know.

In 1945, while watching a film, Giacometti reports an equally important influence that prompted not only a change in his perception, but also made him “want to try to represent what [he] saw.”34 As he watched a film in a Parisian movie theatre, instead of recognizing the forms and shapes on the screen, he saw “only black and white specks shifting on a flat surface.35 The film, he realized, was only an imitation of three-dimensionality.36 When he turned to other members of the audience, he saw the same two-dimensionality, realizing that his “vision of the world had been photographic, as it had been for almost everybody, and that a photograph. . .cannot truly convey reality. His perception was totally altered, punctuated by the knowledge that until then, he had not experienced this reality. Having experienced both the photographic perception that most people possess, as well as a perceptual revelation that awakened a “truer” reality, Giacometti sought thereafter to convey his new way of viewing the world. His aesthetic was to represent his own reality.

Giacometti recognized the need to base his work in physicality, but also to convey what he came to understand as a unique visual method. His overarching goal was to find the most essential truth in the human, and to make use of outer appearances to convey that special truth. His search for truth, which he defined as the primary project of his life, was pursued through the lens of his personal vision. Except for his Surrealist period, Giacometti worked from a model, struggling to bring to the surface the inner force he felt in the human figure. He spent extended time studying his model before he attempted to paint or sculpt him or her, and was infamous for forcing even young children to remain perfectly still in order for him to feel, through his sight, their interiors. His gaze was so scrutinizing that one sitter described it as veritably tangible force, as if “Giacometti’s hands were actually touching his face.”

Source: The Personal Vision of Alberto Giacometti

I picked only a few photos i found while searching the internet. Larger ones. And mostly paintings and drawings. One sculpture: a woman, standing. I like that one.

A sculpture

Paintings

Drawings

The books i have

Published on January 20, 2017 at 6:00 by
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Live boldly

I was sitting in front of the television this Sunday morning. I thought about this post. On Saturday I came across a link on facebook and was enchanted by the quote on the linked page on Brainpickings. I copied it to a new post. I first gave it another title, but changed it to Live boldly. I don’t even remember the first title. Something with silent.

My thoughts wandered away.

The dream and photo i wrote about in an earlier post, Memories.

My earliest memory came back to me in a dream. Around my twenties i dreamed i was crawling on a short stairs with maybe two steps. It was warm. I felt the warmth in my hands which were resting on the steps. I felt the warm stones beneath my fingers. My mother was sitting in front of me. She pointed to somebody behind me. My father. He was standing there with a camera in front of his face. He clicked. I had the photo. Somehow i lost it. I searched for it quite a few times. I still hope it’s somewhere in a book or a notebook. Somewhere hidden. I do love this memory. I can still feel the warm stones. I was like a year, a year and half old.

This photo was taken in 1965. It is something that really happened. And the dream i had, when i was around twenty years old, happened too. The dream, even with this distance of around thirty years, this dream i can still remember clearly. Pointing to myself, feeling the warm stones beneath my hands and looking behind me. The memory of the event itself, when i was only one year old, has faded away for a long time.

This dream is the counter point of the photo. In this dream i look at my father, with a camera in front of his head. His finger on the button ready to make the photo. I had only turned around a second before that. My mother was pointing at something behind me. My mother with her dark hair in a high knot up above her head, smiling. The sun shining. Warm stones beneath me. I turn around and look at my father. I do not see my father’s face. A mechanical object is in front of it, a camera.

Click

My father is the one not in the photo. He took it. What i see in the photo is me and my mother, still pointing. Me, the one person i do not see in the dream. Me, the one person who is experiencing this event. I feel her, i feel what she feels, but i don’t see her. What i see is my dad.

My dad who has been absent from my life for the past twenty-eight years. My dad who is still alive. Who lives in a older people’s home somewhere in the west, between Rotterdam and the beaches. My dad who is slightly demented. Not sure about the slightly. My dad whose voice i last heard on the phone. You are not my daughter.

As you live your life, you are the only person you can not see entirely. You see your hands. You see your hair, when it is longer. You see your legs, your tummy. You do not see your back. You do not see your eyes. You see your nose only from the side, a bit blurry. You see your mouth only when you make a kissing face and put your mouth way out in front. Still blurry.

You do see other people completely. You see their face. You see their eyes. Their nose, their cheeks, their mouth. Their hands, their feet, their legs, their tummy. You see their backs. The top of their head.

But you can not see what is in their head. You can not see their thoughts. You can not feel what they feel.

They are a mystery.

I made many self portraits. When i was at art school, i started out with drawings. Then photography. My final project was with self portraits.

Making these self portraits was not extremely difficult. I only needed myself, a tripod, a camera and film. I started out with black and white film and ended up with colour. I used 25 ASA film most of the time. Very fine grain. Great colour. I still have all the negatives.

I used a whole film for each set. Looking into the camera with different facial expressions. A smile. A serious look. A look away. Different angles. From above. From the front. From the side.

I postponed seeing the look on myself. I only got to see what i looked like when i developed the film and started printing. Contact sheets gave me an overview, a chance to pick the best photo. The ones i believed to be the best anyway. Very difficult to get to that one.

This situation was very different from my initial photo opportunity, when i was one and a half years old. I was grown up. I was making these photos myself. Picking the right time myself.

For years i didn’t make photos of myself. Or they were hopeless failures. Not good. Not a good look. Not a pretty girl. Not a good photo.

I did make a few in 2010 i liked. And last year i made two great ones. In the sunshine. With the sun shining on the white cd cupboard. With my iPhone camera. I did need to make a cutout. The photo was ok with the entire shot. But a square cutout worked like magic.

I confess, i do like it when i look pretty in a photo. Of course i have so much more ugly photos of myself. But i get to pick the ones i show you. So yes, i show you the pretty ones. Even though i don’t feel i’m that vain, a bit of vanity i don’t mind.

So most of my work has a relationship with my dream of me and my mum and dad when i was around one and a half years old. I didn’t realize this at the time. This dream i still remember. I don’t know why i had this memory dream. I don’t know why exactly i made the work i made. But it did call to me. And yes, it is becoming clearer. I can put it into the story of my life. The story i’m telling you here. Which i forged out of my memories of the fifty two years of my life so far.

The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated. And the only thing people regret is that they didn’t live boldly enough, that they didn’t invest enough heart, didn’t love enough. Nothing else really counts at all.

Source: Ted Hughes on the Universal Inner Child, in a Moving Letter to His Son

We all make stories. We grow up, from childhood through adolescence to adulthood. All different things happen to us. Happy things. Sad things. Painful things. We meet other people. And things happen. We fall in love. And out of love.

We try to make this story matter. We have so much inspiration. We have all the old stories. Fairy tales. Movies. Television. Books. Myths. Religion. But all the stories in our lives are only pieces of these old stories. Our own lives are a multitude mass of little pieces, each told with a slightly different voice.

But each one of us is also a physical person. A whole being.

Born. Growing up. Walking. Working. Loving. Dead.

There is mystery in each of us. Fractured existence. Different voices. Each telling another side.

Me, here, on ellenpronk.com, i’m talking about my own existence. Fifty two years now. Halfway. Or slightly over.

I’m trying to make my stories work. For me. To understand my life, so far. To see threads. To make new threads. To tell new stories. To notice new things. Sometimes i fail. Many times i fail. But everything i tell here is true. In a way.

From me to you, i do hope you enjoy it here.

You are welcome.

Published on January 16, 2017 at 6:00 by
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On the other hand

Rereading yesterday’s post. Hmmm.

It is straight from my heart, of course. Yet, on the other hand, i’m still happy right now being alone. My mind is racing. Each day is different.

The day i wrote the post True Love, i woke up in the morning with this thought in my mind. True love. So i did spend the day writing this. Finishing it in the evening. Rereading it in the morning and put a quick edit over it. Mainly style issues.

Then a brief moment of panic, a couple of hours later. That is where the thought for this post came up.

Yes, i do feel happy. Right now. Alone.

True love, yes, i do dream of it. And i do hope i come across someone who can appreciate my work, leave me be for when i want to. Someone to talk with, play chess with. Someone who can surprise me, and who i can surprise in the same way. And sex, not unimportantly. And tenderness, most importantly.

But for now, i am alone. Still happy.

Also, an answer to the questions i asked yesterday.

Why am i working so hard on this website?

I could easily make less posts. Once a week? Work besides it. What i have done for years. What makes this time so different? Why do i make myself crazy? Why do i go for the being penniless?

Timing.

I do mention the sledgehammer moment i had more than two years ago. This feeling of urgency i got. I have to work. Work work work! Make things. Write. Think. Express. Be there.

This feeling is getting worse and worse. I simply need to listen to it.

Now, of course, i can be wrong. I could have a fail safe. It is just, i do not have the time. I need to be ready at a certain point.

This feeling is a very personal feeling. I could let it go, but then i know i will regret that for the rest of my life. And that is something i don’t want to do to myself. I’d rather have a bit of trouble now, than that regret.

So yes, timing.

Salute, dear reader.

Published on January 11, 2017 at 6:00 by
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True Love

Why am i working so hard on this website?

I could easily make less posts. Once a week? Work besides it. What i have done for years. What makes this time so different? Why do i make myself crazy? Why do i go for the being penniless?

So many questions. Which i not ask myself, because i simply want to go on, move on. Not care about anything else. Exactly what i do right now.

Why?

I have only had sex with one man. Proper sex, penetration and all. And i wasn’t in love with him! Still, ending that relationship, after only two months, was difficult. I had grown attached.

I fell in love a couple of years after that. He was a nice man, but not in love with me. He was in love with somebody else, who was not in love with him. We did sleep together two or three nights, but never had proper sex. A few years after that he fell in love with somebody else. They have two children now. I fell out of love with him.

Before that, i was like everybody else. I fell in love with a guy because he winked at me. Like, geez girl, get a grip. Only a wink. I walked up to his apartment with clean underwear and a toothbrush. Afterwards i was happy he wasn’t home.

The guy i met in a bar, to whom i said i am recalcitrant! We went to the McDonalds and sat there and ate a burger and talked for over an hour. I thought he must be it! When i went to his house and had dinner and went to bed with him afterwards i realized i didn’t feel love. And i said no. Please no. He listened. Not happy no. But still. Of course that evening was the last time we spend together.

At school, this cute guy wearing new wave clothes and listening to new wave music. He asked me to go to a gig in Vlaardingen. I was so excited. And i didn’t say a word to him the whole evening. So shy. Took me years to get over him.

I didn’t work on lfs.nl from 2006 til 2014. I tried. I didn’t let go, but i had no inspiration. At moments the thought came up that that was it. I was done. No more creative work. My life left empty, on my way to death and forgetfulness.

I felt hit with a sledgehammer, now more than two years ago. October 2014. There was this manager i kinda fancied, but who i didn’t know at all. Never got to talk to him. I left the job quite suddenly. I remember sitting in the train in the early morning with all the other people traveling towards Amsterdam. I remember talking to the guy who was playing with the Rubik’s cube. Such a nice guy.

And i started working again on lfs.nl. Writing about me. Writing about my future boyfriend. Making presents once again. So happy. So terribly happy.

So yes, i was surprised, only a few months afterwards, when i was making my final present. About. This was the end of my testing trip through internet land, Trying out different options, making flash presents, writing about all different things.

Ellenpronk.com, which i used for work, but never made a website for, was waiting for me. A proper blog, with a proper schedule. Five updates a week, posted at six in the morning. The possibility to give myself 5 weeks holiday a year. I only took one week in the first year. Three weeks all together in the second year.

Almost two years since i started on this website. It is filled with walks, with photos, with presents, with old works, with stories. The stories of my life.

Working in the garden only started less than a year ago. I love these two days a week.

But the garden cannot fill the emptiness in my life.

So what drives me towards this end? What drives me to this penniless state? What forces me to come clean? To make myself clear. To talk here. At the end of nowhere.

What do i really want?

The answer is simple.

True love.

True Love

Yesterday in the garden we briefly talked about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and their split up. I was a bit sad when they did. I am still wondering what happened between them. What made this lovely couple decide they didn’t like each other anymore. How did they come together anyway? Who had made the first move? I mean, Brad Pitt was married to Jennifer Aniston at the time. In my book that means the man is off the menu. But my book isn’t everybody’s book. And what with the children?

This whole case is a mystery to me. And yes, it does sadden me. They were the glory couple of Hollywood, with their six children.

The whole Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift three month romance over the summer of 2016 was baffling.

I don’t follow the news, but this dripped in. Most likely through facebook. These are two people i do not know, but the publicity around the whole circus was breathtaking. It seemed like the whole world was going crazy.

September 6, 2016: Us Weekly reports Hiddleston and Swift have broken up—right before the Emmys, where people thought they’d step out on the red carpet together. Swift ended it. “Tom wanted the relationship to be more public than she was comfortable with,” a source tells the outlet. “Taylor knew the backlash that comes with public displays of affection but Tom didn’t listen to her concerns when she brought them up.”

Hiddleston, meanwhile, is “embarrassed that the relationship fizzled out.” The two have not officially commented yet.

This was hot up until September 20, when the news of the breakup between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie became mega world news.

This all is very different from the world close to me. Most of my friends do have a relation, for around twenty years or more. Not everybody, no. A few did separate. Went further with somebody else. Some ended up single, with children.

And than there is me. Someone who didn’t have a long term relationship. Rare. Yes.

So yes. True love.

I am at that age where waiting for something to happen is less of an option. The true love bit, the hard part. The chance encounter. Where something completely unexpected happens. Where you heart starts racing, your mind is thinking like mad. Ding dong.

So here i am. After two years of working again on my websites. After talking about so many things, some deeply personal. After showing you my old work, the old self portraits i used to make, the old drawings. The walks i love to make. The garden i love to work in.

This is it. This is what i want.

And i can not claim it. I can not demand it. It is forever out of my reach, it seems.

It seems.

I have not given up hope. No.

The only thing i can see for myself now, is to simply talk about this. To let it out of my system. To look at it, look at the desire, feel the desire burn inside me, and talk about it.

So yes, if there is any reason i should become more well known, should be out there, talking about these things, as myself, completely serious, this is it.

True love

Published on January 10, 2017 at 6:00 by
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Off the cliff

My mind is running circles around me. Half the time i enjoy it. But not sleeping does make it a bit hard. For now though, i am accepting it as it is.

I think, i hope, i believe, i pray this is part of all the things happening to me right now. If not, well, than it is the quiet life for me. I will need some time to adjust myself to that, if it is like that. But for now, i’m geared for a public life. Preparing myself. And that does mean going at it with everything in me. Sometimes waiting. Sometimes working in the garden. Sometimes working on my blog. Sometimes, hopefully, sleeping too!

So for you, the final bit of the movie Thelma & Louise. When all things come into focus, and people around you are pointing their guns at you, there is only one way to go.

Off the cliff.

Have a good weekend!

Published on January 6, 2017 at 6:00 by
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My bag

Around six years ago i bought my current bag, a black leather bag with every part closed with a zipper. A bright blue cloth on the inside of the bag. The bag is from Fred de la Bretoniere. I have known this designer most likely from the 80s, when i read Dutch magazines like the Avenue, from which i’m pretty sure they published about his bags and shoes.

In 2010, in my holiday, i walked through the Bijenkorf and went through his bags to see if there was any i particularly liked. There is a large variety of bags. The black leather zipper one i thought would be convenient for me. A cross shoulder band, closed good, not too expensive. I mean, around 160 / 170 euros. Still quite a lot of money, but not like other bags over a 1000 euros.

From 2010 to this day i am using this bag. I do have some old bags in my closet. Another black leather, but with no shoulder band. A brown leather one with one main inner compartment. A cloth one with printed flowers. Another cloth one with a orange inside. I liked that one. Sad it got broken.

So yes, this is my current bag, the one which has all the stuff inside which i might need when i’m not at home. Of course my house keys, my wallet, a book for notes with behind it a paper bag for my business cards, my phone, headphones, one moisturizing lip balm, one from Laura Mercier with a berry color, my passport, contact lenses, mirrors, a comb, a small flask with perfume, hand cream.

I love this bag!

Ooh, when i go to the garden i use a neck wallet with only my house keys and phone. Occasionally a debit card when i want to do some shopping afterwards.

The outer compartment, with a shorter zipper than the other side, holds my wallet and my house keys
The broader outer compartment holds my lip balm, hand cream, nail clipper, a mirror, tooth picks and perfume
The inner compartment. There are two small open compartments on one side, one with a zipper on the other
My phone, headphones and a flash drive in the two open compartments
In the main inside a notebook, a pen, some paper handkerchiefs
In the zipped compartment in the inside my passport, menstrual pads (from which i put all but one in my toilet bag after i made these photos), a comb and a little bag
In the little bag, contact lenses, a mirror, pain killer tablets, an old flickr business card and a Scritti Politti badge
The bag
Published on January 3, 2017 at 6:00 by
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Presence

A bit tired today. Yesterday evening was nice. A bit cold and wet, misty. But good people in the garden, some singing. A good fire. Champagne and Dutch oliebollen.

I did go home around ten minutes after twelve though. Not sure why. When i got home, i put up some water for my hot water bottle. I did watch a bit of television, but nothing much was on. Listened to some music. Then i went to bed.

This morning i woke up around six. Early. *sigh* I did get out of bed and watched an episode of Westworld. I enjoy that show. I did go back to bed and slept a little more, till eleven. Watched two more episodes. Will most likely finish it today.

I did go to the garden to empty my compost bucket and see if i could gather the pots i brought yesterday for the candles. One was broken. It’s ok, i simply save these pots for any use.

I leave this post with this quote. I do feel this is relevant to my life at the point where it is right now. On the brink of being penniless. Yet i do not feel afraid. (That is not entirely right. I still have an occasional eek feeling.) I need to trust myself. I do that most of the time. The people close to me, my family, are afraid for me. But i can not change my path at this moment to satisfy them. I need to live my life for myself. I need to let my life story find its proper setting.

There is a contradiction in wanting to be perfectly secure in a universe whose very nature is momentariness and fluidity. But the contradiction lies a little deeper than the mere conflict between the desire for security and the fact of change. If I want to be secure, that is, protected from the flux of life, I am wanting to be separate from life. Yet it is this very sense of separateness which makes me feel insecure. To be secure means to isolate and fortify the “I,” but it is just the feeling of being an isolated “I” which makes me feel lonely and afraid. In other words, the more security I can get, the more I shall want.

To put it still more plainly: the desire for security and the feeling of insecurity are the same thing. To hold your breath is to lose your breath. A society based on the quest for security is nothing but a breath-retention contest in which everyone is as taut as a drum and as purple as a beet.

Source: An Antidote to the Age of Anxiety: Alan Watts on Happiness and How to Live with Presence

Published on January 2, 2017 at 6:00 by
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Life is wonderful

“It’s amazing what you can get if you quietly, clearly and authoritatively demand it.”

Meryl Streep

This quote from Meryl Streep i saw this week, most likely on facebook. It stuck in my mind. Quietly. Clearly. Authoritavely. Demand.

We are all born in this world, changing continuously. Some of us are lucky. Some of us are not. Some of us don’t even get born at all. Some die from a disease. Some from violence. The lucky ones? They get an education. They get a job. They get children, reasonably happy.

Our world is actually doing better. The past century the worldwide average life expectancy has risen from 32 to 70. Infant mortality has dropped from 19,5% to 3,69%. We earn more, averagely. We read more.

On the other hand, temperature is rising, the ice on the poles is melting, sea water is rising. Rain forests are being cut down. Animals loose their life habitats.

It is simple, we should control ourselves and our actions a bit more. Not consume that much anymore. Buy things only when really needed. Don’t throw away so many things. Be careful with plastics. Don’t buy that many clothes.

Simple.

I do try to do this as much as possible. I separate my garbage into paper, glass, plastic and the rest. I bring my compost to the garden compost heap. I make many things myself: toothpaste, detergent, cleaning liquids, body butter. I work in the garden two days a week and get vegetables through that.

But i do understand i’m still part of a rather small group of people doing this. I read the blogs, i watch the videos. I love to see people tone down their life. Doing the things that makes them happy. Not for money.

inbetween

This is my life now. I have set out this course myself. Nobody is forcing me to do any of this.

And i am thinking. Watching this world pass by. Watch the news, not the whole time, but a little bit at a time. Read the newspapers, not every single day, only once a month or so. Read blog posts, facebook, twitter, watch youtube videos.

There are so many sides we can pick. It seems like it doesn’t make a difference what we choose. But set all together, it does change the world.

I can only do my bit here. And talk about it on this website, of course.

inbetween

So, what about my life?

Once i had a talk with someone at the garden. I said to him i didn’t feel it would go all wrong and bad with me. I said i felt too stable for that. I still believe that.

I am not sure of why i have picked this path for myself. I’m not even sure i picked it myself. It is just, i talked about it here in an earlier post, i remember around two years ago, i felt a sledgehammer hit me so hard. And shortly after that i was busy posting on lfs.nl. That was not my choice. That happened to me. It is like, when you give up fighting yourself, fighting this thing beckoning you. Then there comes an easiness in you, a way to work, a way to communicate. I do feel i was conflicted before, and less conflicted now.

I am not saying that things are easy now, that i make no mistakes. I do make mistakes, and things can be really hard. But inside me, there is no innner conflict, not anymore.

So yes, my life is wonderful. Magnificent. Glorious.

“You’ve got to tell the world how to treat you. If the world tells you how you are going to be treated, you are in trouble.”

James Baldwin

My best wishes to you.

I will see you again in 2017. Enjoy your final days in 2016.

Salute!

Published on December 23, 2016 at 6:00 by
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