Author Archives for Ellen

A chat

Last week, on New Year’s Eve, i had a talk with Ronald. I have said the same thing to him times before, and i said it once more: I will be famous! Soon! So he said aha! i will bring some paper and a pen, so you can put your autograph on them ten times. Last Friday i reminded him of that. So today he did bring some paper and a pen with him. I did bring some paper with me today as well, anyway. So ten autographs he got! Dated.

I gave all the others an autograph as well. That was a quick decision. Not really thoroughly thought out. Someone commented on it, at the end of the afternoon. Hmmm. He questioned my strange behaviour of giving my autographs away. I wasn’t sure how to respond to it. Without bringing the world into it. But i did say i would become famous in the next couple of weeks. Which is more me saying something so i could believe in it. To get used to it maybe? I also said that having that talk with him at that time was helping me.

It is strange. How each and everyone of us is living in his or her own world. How each and everyone of us is believing something to be true. We all need to take care of ourselves. Nobody else will help us. We all need to work. We all need to earn money. To pay the rent. Or mortgage. To pay for food. To pay for internet access. To pay for energy.

Now, i got my work. This website. This website is the center of my life. What i do here means the world to me. These five posts a week, published at six CET in the morning, they are so important to me.

But for me it is very difficult to tell the whole story from start to finish. I lose the structure so fast, get distracted in an eye blink. But i do see the structure rising up from all my posts. To me it makes perfect sense. Because i know all the posts i have made here, in the past two years.

I don’t where i will end. Nobody knows. Nobody knows how his or her own life will end. Nobody. I know right now i’m pulling things into the extreme. A bit. A bit much. But i am forcing myself to get something out of me. Something i need to say, or do, or show. Of course i know i can fail. Terribly. But still, i live in the Netherlands, one of the safest countries in the world, for now anyway. I won’t die. So i’m going ahead.

I leave with this photo i made last Friday. It does show the garden and the people all in their own world. And each head has its own space. I love this photo. I hope you do too.

Published on January 9, 2017 at 6:00 by
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Off the cliff

My mind is running circles around me. Half the time i enjoy it. But not sleeping does make it a bit hard. For now though, i am accepting it as it is.

I think, i hope, i believe, i pray this is part of all the things happening to me right now. If not, well, than it is the quiet life for me. I will need some time to adjust myself to that, if it is like that. But for now, i’m geared for a public life. Preparing myself. And that does mean going at it with everything in me. Sometimes waiting. Sometimes working in the garden. Sometimes working on my blog. Sometimes, hopefully, sleeping too!

So for you, the final bit of the movie Thelma & Louise. When all things come into focus, and people around you are pointing their guns at you, there is only one way to go.

Off the cliff.

Have a good weekend!

Published on January 6, 2017 at 6:00 by
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De Bijenkorf

The main department store in Rotterdam is the Bijenkorf, the Beehive. My mother used to bring her three daughters with her separately to the big city close by, Rotterdam to get each one of us new clothes. We usually spend time in the C&A, the Hema, the V&D. I do remember having lunch in the Bijenkorf at those times. The chicest biggest store in the whole of Rotterdam.

I remember the Bijenkorf in all its phases over the past forty years or so. The great cloth department, gone for like twenty years or so. The separate coffee corners on each section. The big one remained, with the open window on the rest of Rotterdam. The bit on the side, for the young people. Gone, another shop is there, with apartments above it. Today i noticed the coats section is gone, or moved to downstairs maybe? The books were above, moved from downstairs, so that is possible. The MAC section, where i bought my eye shadows. The kitchen section on the top floor. The lightning section there gone for a couple of years now.

I walked past the bag section. Only a couple of Fred de la Bretonniere bags remained. His newer brand Shabbies is more visible than his older brand. I won’t get my next bag here, i will need to go to Amsterdam to get another one.

I’ve shopped here so many times. Sometimes alone, sometimes with friends. Other brands used to be available. A bit cheaper. That red dress from Karen Miller looks lovely on the skinny model. The Prima Donna bra is in the collection for a couple of years. It is my main bra.

The le Creuset pans i love. The Iittala ones too. I have three. From when i had more money.

I did go to the restaurant and treated myself to a cup of cappuccino and a dark chocolate and truffle filled pastry. Lovely. I read the Vogue magazine and looked through a cooking book from Heidi Swanson. Which i already have myself, in english.

On my way out, past the Chanel counter once again. The nail polishes. Wonderful!

I had a few talks in the Bijenkorf. One with a woman in the Iittala shop. About the pans, which i do have, use every day and truly admire. Another with two girls sitting on the kitchen section on the ground. San was the name of one. I had made two photos of her. Not the best! She did give her permission, but i won’t show the photo anyway. Too private. And another talk when i left the restaurant, with two people leaving at the same time. I remarked about the cream they left over. We had a good talk about the pure luxury in Western Europe. The totally obscene extravagance of this commercial capitalist culture we have formed all together. I talked about the garden i work at. They told me about their time in Southern Europe, where things are simpler.

So that was my time in the Bijenkorf today. It wasn’t my intention to go there, but when i lied on my couch, looked behind me and saw the blue sky, i had to go outside. I did take my phone with me. And halfway the walk i decided i would go into the Bijenkorf. And write my post about it.

Enjoy the photos!

Published on January 5, 2017 at 6:00 by
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Ways of seeing

John Berger (5 November 1926 – 2 January 2017) has died the day before yesterday. His name was mentioned a couple of times on my facebook feed. I looked up his videos on youtube.

Today’s post was supposed to be another one, but i’ll leave it as a draft for now. I’ll be watching the series Ways of Seeing and some other videos i found.

inbetween

The above i wrote this afternoon. It is in the evening now. I did watch all the four episodes of Ways of Seeing. The rest i will watch further on in the week. I also came across a Guardian article linked by a friend: Past present. Still need to read this too.

I actually do think i have seen this before, maybe even on television. It reminds me of my own personal stuff i made with ads, like Beautiful girls and Ads, a videoclip i made with clips i recorded from television.

Still, i do not think this is the entire story of Western art of the past 500 years or so. That would be too simple. To say Western art is about the representation of objects, textures and skins only is too limited, in my world. It does leave out the final 130 years or so, in which there was a definite move towards abstraction. Also because photography did take over this representation in advertising, but also in movies. Commercialism is a huge aspect of moviemaking, yes, but still, some of the best art works of the past 130 years are movies. And some of those are also commercial successes. Films Like Back to the Future, Star Wars, Raiders of the Lost Ark, the Harry Potter series, Lords of the Rings are all great movies. But i digress. More about this in another post, hopefully.

Another article i found: Why we still need John Berger’s Ways of Seeing. The picture of the three Victoria’s Secret angels requires some study. A quote form the article itself:

Consider the Victoria’s Secret Angels. A fleet of women so beautiful, so primped and preened that the name bestowed on them is inhuman, tells us that they are not of our world. The Angels (who yes, actually wear wings) present the ultimate female fantasy, with one one even donning the multimillion dollar ‘Fantasy Bra’ for her strut down the catwalk – each year held in a different global location. They are living, breathing advertisements, existing for mass consumption – the show, seen by millions of mostly women, is the most watched fashion event in the world. December’s event has generated almost 100,000 Instagram posts alone.

inbetween

John Berger / Ways of Seeing , Episode 1 (1972)

John Berger / Ways of Seeing , Episode 2 (1972)

John Berger / Ways of Seeing , Episode 3 (1972)

John Berger / Ways of Seeing , Episode 4 (1972)

John Berger or The Art of Looking (2016)

John Berger About Time (1985)

John Berger and Susan Sontag / To Tell A Story (1983)

Face To Face

Published on January 4, 2017 at 6:00 by
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My bag

Around six years ago i bought my current bag, a black leather bag with every part closed with a zipper. A bright blue cloth on the inside of the bag. The bag is from Fred de la Bretoniere. I have known this designer most likely from the 80s, when i read Dutch magazines like the Avenue, from which i’m pretty sure they published about his bags and shoes.

In 2010, in my holiday, i walked through the Bijenkorf and went through his bags to see if there was any i particularly liked. There is a large variety of bags. The black leather zipper one i thought would be convenient for me. A cross shoulder band, closed good, not too expensive. I mean, around 160 / 170 euros. Still quite a lot of money, but not like other bags over a 1000 euros.

From 2010 to this day i am using this bag. I do have some old bags in my closet. Another black leather, but with no shoulder band. A brown leather one with one main inner compartment. A cloth one with printed flowers. Another cloth one with a orange inside. I liked that one. Sad it got broken.

So yes, this is my current bag, the one which has all the stuff inside which i might need when i’m not at home. Of course my house keys, my wallet, a book for notes with behind it a paper bag for my business cards, my phone, headphones, one moisturizing lip balm, one from Laura Mercier with a berry color, my passport, contact lenses, mirrors, a comb, a small flask with perfume, hand cream.

I love this bag!

Ooh, when i go to the garden i use a neck wallet with only my house keys and phone. Occasionally a debit card when i want to do some shopping afterwards.

The outer compartment, with a shorter zipper than the other side, holds my wallet and my house keys
The broader outer compartment holds my lip balm, hand cream, nail clipper, a mirror, tooth picks and perfume
The inner compartment. There are two small open compartments on one side, one with a zipper on the other
My phone, headphones and a flash drive in the two open compartments
In the main inside a notebook, a pen, some paper handkerchiefs
In the zipped compartment in the inside my passport, menstrual pads (from which i put all but one in my toilet bag after i made these photos), a comb and a little bag
In the little bag, contact lenses, a mirror, pain killer tablets, an old flickr business card and a Scritti Politti badge
The bag
Published on January 3, 2017 at 6:00 by
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Presence

A bit tired today. Yesterday evening was nice. A bit cold and wet, misty. But good people in the garden, some singing. A good fire. Champagne and Dutch oliebollen.

I did go home around ten minutes after twelve though. Not sure why. When i got home, i put up some water for my hot water bottle. I did watch a bit of television, but nothing much was on. Listened to some music. Then i went to bed.

This morning i woke up around six. Early. *sigh* I did get out of bed and watched an episode of Westworld. I enjoy that show. I did go back to bed and slept a little more, till eleven. Watched two more episodes. Will most likely finish it today.

I did go to the garden to empty my compost bucket and see if i could gather the pots i brought yesterday for the candles. One was broken. It’s ok, i simply save these pots for any use.

I leave this post with this quote. I do feel this is relevant to my life at the point where it is right now. On the brink of being penniless. Yet i do not feel afraid. (That is not entirely right. I still have an occasional eek feeling.) I need to trust myself. I do that most of the time. The people close to me, my family, are afraid for me. But i can not change my path at this moment to satisfy them. I need to live my life for myself. I need to let my life story find its proper setting.

There is a contradiction in wanting to be perfectly secure in a universe whose very nature is momentariness and fluidity. But the contradiction lies a little deeper than the mere conflict between the desire for security and the fact of change. If I want to be secure, that is, protected from the flux of life, I am wanting to be separate from life. Yet it is this very sense of separateness which makes me feel insecure. To be secure means to isolate and fortify the “I,” but it is just the feeling of being an isolated “I” which makes me feel lonely and afraid. In other words, the more security I can get, the more I shall want.

To put it still more plainly: the desire for security and the feeling of insecurity are the same thing. To hold your breath is to lose your breath. A society based on the quest for security is nothing but a breath-retention contest in which everyone is as taut as a drum and as purple as a beet.

Source: An Antidote to the Age of Anxiety: Alan Watts on Happiness and How to Live with Presence

Published on January 2, 2017 at 6:00 by
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Life is wonderful

“It’s amazing what you can get if you quietly, clearly and authoritatively demand it.”

Meryl Streep

This quote from Meryl Streep i saw this week, most likely on facebook. It stuck in my mind. Quietly. Clearly. Authoritavely. Demand.

We are all born in this world, changing continuously. Some of us are lucky. Some of us are not. Some of us don’t even get born at all. Some die from a disease. Some from violence. The lucky ones? They get an education. They get a job. They get children, reasonably happy.

Our world is actually doing better. The past century the worldwide average life expectancy has risen from 32 to 70. Infant mortality has dropped from 19,5% to 3,69%. We earn more, averagely. We read more.

On the other hand, temperature is rising, the ice on the poles is melting, sea water is rising. Rain forests are being cut down. Animals loose their life habitats.

It is simple, we should control ourselves and our actions a bit more. Not consume that much anymore. Buy things only when really needed. Don’t throw away so many things. Be careful with plastics. Don’t buy that many clothes.

Simple.

I do try to do this as much as possible. I separate my garbage into paper, glass, plastic and the rest. I bring my compost to the garden compost heap. I make many things myself: toothpaste, detergent, cleaning liquids, body butter. I work in the garden two days a week and get vegetables through that.

But i do understand i’m still part of a rather small group of people doing this. I read the blogs, i watch the videos. I love to see people tone down their life. Doing the things that makes them happy. Not for money.

inbetween

This is my life now. I have set out this course myself. Nobody is forcing me to do any of this.

And i am thinking. Watching this world pass by. Watch the news, not the whole time, but a little bit at a time. Read the newspapers, not every single day, only once a month or so. Read blog posts, facebook, twitter, watch youtube videos.

There are so many sides we can pick. It seems like it doesn’t make a difference what we choose. But set all together, it does change the world.

I can only do my bit here. And talk about it on this website, of course.

inbetween

So, what about my life?

Once i had a talk with someone at the garden. I said to him i didn’t feel it would go all wrong and bad with me. I said i felt too stable for that. I still believe that.

I am not sure of why i have picked this path for myself. I’m not even sure i picked it myself. It is just, i talked about it here in an earlier post, i remember around two years ago, i felt a sledgehammer hit me so hard. And shortly after that i was busy posting on lfs.nl. That was not my choice. That happened to me. It is like, when you give up fighting yourself, fighting this thing beckoning you. Then there comes an easiness in you, a way to work, a way to communicate. I do feel i was conflicted before, and less conflicted now.

I am not saying that things are easy now, that i make no mistakes. I do make mistakes, and things can be really hard. But inside me, there is no innner conflict, not anymore.

So yes, my life is wonderful. Magnificent. Glorious.

“You’ve got to tell the world how to treat you. If the world tells you how you are going to be treated, you are in trouble.”

James Baldwin

My best wishes to you.

I will see you again in 2017. Enjoy your final days in 2016.

Salute!

Published on December 23, 2016 at 6:00 by
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Merry

The last video i made in 2016. A bit of Merry Christmas. I did say Happy Christmas, but yeah, i did mean merry. Some words for you, my dear reader. Some words for the ones not in a position to read this in a safe place. And a song! Well, part of a song.

Enjoy!

Published on December 22, 2016 at 6:00 by
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A jumble of a day

Tuesday is the day i usually go to the market. This Tuesday i had to empty my compost bucket at the garden first. I stayed for a bit longer and made some photos. One photo of the Christmas tree standing besides the greenhouse. No idea how it got there! With the one shiny garland nonchalantly hanging from it.

It is cold. A blue sky. Lovely.

I’m surprised by the amount of vegetables growing in the garden still. It is December! And still we seed plants, spinach, endive, lettuce, purslane, chervil, amsoy. I did ask about the cabbages. Last year though they were eaten by caterpillars. So they were not planted that much this year.

I do know we lost many veggies this year to rats, the corn, beets, carrots, tomatoes. All eaten by rats. So next year my attempt to fight the rats is planting catmint. I did read that rats don’t like catmint. Very different from cats, who absolutely adore it. So yes, i will put a plant on my balcony too!

I brought the empty compost bucket home and went straight on to the market. I still look at people’s faces a lot. Some react almost surprised when they see me looking at them, some don’t see me looking at all. Most wrapped up in their own world. Their own stuff. Their own smartphone. It is these choices we all make. What we think is important. What we want. What we buy. What we throw away.

Yesterday i helped a lady who was trying to get an old chair out of a large litter box standing outside. I helped her with pulling out the chair. Once i was done i looked into the box to see if there was more. I saw some empty plant buckets. I pulled one out. Broken. Another one. Also broken. Another one. Whole. A woman past by and said to me “you sure you want that? It is from a weed plantation“.

I don’t mind that. It did make me look a bit more careful at all the stuff in the litter box and yes, i could see it.

I wasn’t sure what post i would make today. I was thinking about my page on Patreon. Still standing empty there. It is not that you get something extra. It is simply a gesture of niceness, a gesture to see what i am trying to do here and giving me a thumbs up, so to speak.

Anyway, i will add the Patreon link to the footer of this website. Gotta try something, don’t i?

Published on December 21, 2016 at 6:00 by
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