Author Archives for Ellen

Awful annihilating disastrous calamitous damning destructive fatal ruinous

With the IPCC report coming out yesterday and the current Russian – Ukrainian war still going frightfully wrong there is so much news today. I have been reading twitter for half the day. It is almost too much i confess.

In the Guardian the article IPCC report: ‘now or never’ if world is to stave off climate disaster states the following list:

The IPCC working group 3 report found:

  • Coal must be effectively phased out if the world is to stay within 1.5C, and currently planned new fossil fuel infrastructure would cause the world to exceed 1.5C.
  • Methane emissions must be reduced by a third.
  • Growing forests and preserving soils will be necessary, but tree-planting cannot do enough to compensate for continued emissions for fossil fuels.
  • Investment in the shift to a low-carbon world is about six times lower than it needs to be.
  • All sectors of the global economy, from energy and transport to buildings and food, must change dramatically and rapidly, and new technologies including hydrogen fuel and carbon capture and storage will be needed.

Then the Russian – Ukrainian war. The devastating finding of the dead bodies lying on the streets almost randomly in Bucha is terrible. The drawing i posted yesterday of a woman screaming was because of this news. No matter what Russia tells us of this being staged, i don’t believe that. I have seen one video stating the opposite. You can read more in this article Zelenskiy set to demand new Russia sanctions at UN amid Bucha outcry.

Then there is the realization that this happens all over the world. Awful, annihilating, disastrous, calamitous, damning, destructive, fatal, ruinous actions of people against other people. I don’t want to understand how this works. Never.

Published on April 6, 2022 at 6:00 by
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The harvest market and walking and more

Last Saturday i went to the market, like i do all Saturdays. It was cold, around 5ºC. I like to look around at the people and the children and the dogs. I don’t talk that much at the market. I enjoy listening. I left the market earlier than usual.

I went out this morning and walked to the Essenburgpark. I looked at all the people i walked by on my way over there. Smiling, saying hi to one or two. My head was still full of what i had just read in the book Ultimate Questions. I was wondering what the people i met on the streets were thinking of. I had no idea. I smiled at the people whose eye i caught.

In the park i sat on a bench for around fifteen minutes. I listened to the birds singing their happy song. Even though it was cold, spring is definitely setting in. I saw some people letting out their dog.

I walked to the supermarket. I was thinking of this post while walking. I only remember half of it. Strange how i seem to forget what i thought.

On the street where i live i came across a lady with a lovely dog. The dog looked me in the eye. He was pulling the leash. The lady let go of him and he ran towards me, jumping up at me. So happy! He was so cute. Or she, i don’t know.

Once inside the house i made some tea. I watched Buitenhof. Most was about the Ukraine – Russian war. Terrible what i saw about the ordinary civilians of suburbs of Kyiv lying dead on the streets where they used to live.

It is a strange time. As always.

Published on April 4, 2022 at 6:00 by
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The future i can not see

This Tuesday i lost all fear i had felt about the future. It was the day i let the cat from upstairs in the house. Her boss is away until Friday. I will let both front doors open. I love it. Joep is the name of the cat (Yup ?). Right now Joep is lying on the chair behind me.

I am thinking. About me, what i wish for, what i want. I know that wanting something will not help me get it. I am trying to clear my mind of all the things people fill their lives with. A new car. A new home. A new husband or wife. Something new to pass the time with. Something new to forget that it is not what you want. Those are not things i want. But i have other things i want. Friends. Enough money. An active life, filled with meetings and talks. I do not have those things right now.

Sometimes i am thinking of the world, the universe, politics, philosophy, art. But most often i find myself watching television or youtube, reading twitter. Keeping up with the news. I am not sitting in a little cabin in the woods. I am living in a large city in the Netherlands.

I feel lost. I am here at the end of time, or so it feels to me. And it is not even a true feeling. It is all simply inside of me. All these emotions are nothing but a distraction.

I am waiting for some insight into my life. It is growing inside me with small steps. But is this the best way to make it grow? I simply do not know.

Published on April 1, 2022 at 6:00 by
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17. Acting simply

True leaders
are hardly known to their followers.
Next after them are the leaders
the people know and admire;
after them, those they fear;
after them, those they despise.

To give no trust
is to get no trust.

When the work’s done right,
with no fuss or boasting,
ordinary people say,
Oh, we did it.1

1 This invisible leader, who gets things done in such a way that people think they did it all themselves, isn’t one who manipulates others from behind the scenes; just the opposite. Again, it’s a matter of “doing without doing”: uncompetitive, unworried, trustful accomplishment, power that is not force. An example or analogy might be a very good teacher, or the truest voice in a group of singers.

Source: Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu
Translated by Ursula K. Le Guin

Published on March 31, 2022 at 6:00 by
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Rejection

Yesterday i walked back from the supermarket to home. Some talking to friends, standing in the door opening of a house, asked me a question. I don’t even remember what he said. I replied something, along the line that it made no sense what he was saying. It was a quick reply. At the same time i wondred why he asked me that. I wasn’t part of the conversation, i was simply walking by. While i was walking away they started laughing. I looked back. It hurt me a bit. I felt like they were sharing some secret. Back home i thought about what i was asked. Then i thought sex. Of course.

I cried while i saw this video. It spoke to me while i was watching it for the first time. I do feel rejected. I am still looking for something worthwhile to say. Something which will resonate. I hope i can find it.

The second time i cried today was while reading this book Ultimate Questions. I went back and tried to find the piece which caused these emotions with me, but couldn’t find it. So i photographed another part. It is about being alone, communicate with others, feeling desperate when you do not communicate with anybody. Mostly.

Published on March 29, 2022 at 6:00 by
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Time and again

Time has grown into the most common way to divide the space given to you in this world. This is private time. That is time you spend on a job. This is time to cook your food. That is time you spend sleeping. This time you get paid for. That time you get not paid for.

Once a child is born into a family, that child becomes the clock that determines the spend time. Over time this child gets pushed mostly by school in the clock time we have all grown accustomed to. You pee, poop, eat and sleep by the determined laws of time.

This is not wrong. We all need to grow up and get into this shared time space. We humans have developed ways to measure time for thousands of years. The sun, the moon, the stars, nature surrounding us were all used for this. Now we use atomic clocks to measure the seconds ticking away. It is basically all the same.

In English the words time, person and year are the three most used nouns. A year is defined as a period of time, set by a single full rotation of Earth around the Sun. A person is an individual: man, woman or child. These three words set out the primary boundaries of our world.

Right now i am looking outside, looking at the trees standing out there, the sun shining on them. It is quiet. Time moves on. All the time.

I don’t know what my future will bring. I hope it will be something, i don’t want to be a derelict wreck heaped on the outside of humanity. I do think i need to solve something here, for myself. Solve a mystery. I don’t know if i will be able to do that. But I do need to let go of dreams i have of my life. They are so tempting. Wishing myself away. The last thing i want to do.

Published on March 25, 2022 at 6:00 by
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Ultimate Questions

Yesterday i went to the library. I did do a search through the catalogue with the words time and philosophy.

I got three books: The Dark Forest written by Cixin Liu, De tijd bestaat niet (Time doesn’t exist) written by Roland Breeur, Ultieme Vragen (Ultimate Questions) by Bryan Magee.

I started reading the book by Bryan Magee. A small philosophy of life and death. I only read the first chapter about time and space. Some parts are simple, but the end results are puzzling for sure. I do enjoy reading it.

On page 17 there is the following text from Macbeth:

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more.

Macbeth V, 5

Published on March 24, 2022 at 6:00 by
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