Author Archives for Ellen

Life is confusing. There are the multitudes of things you are able to become aware of. There are the books, the movies, videos you are able to see and hear. There is the music in which you may loose yourself. There is the entire world filled with stuff. There are the other people. All strangers.

The past few years i met some men i liked. It was quickly over. But it was worthwhile. I learned to be more independent. I learned to be more thoughtful. I became more grown up.

I am alone. I don’t mind that. I do wish for being loved and loving someone else. But i am not sure how that would feel. Deep at night, my mind wanders. I am only human. I am a multitude of likes and dislikes. Most change over time. Some things are hidden deep inside of me. Some hardly even surface here, on this website, which is my place, the centre of my being. So it feels.

I write this post and categorize it in Column. Only a year ago i wrote the first post for this category, Contagious. I enjoy writing, rewriting and deleting text. I enjoy drawing, singing, photographing, writing about cooking, about the world and its highlights and atrocities, about myself and my idiosyncrasies.

This post is difficult to write. I deleted whole paragraphs. I copied and pasted text in completely different order. And that while this post was so clear to me during the beginning of the week. I will write it i thought. I will let it all come out of me. Yes! Today it is hard. It seems like i have forgotten it all. But i feel happy with what i have written so far. It wasn’t what i thought about earlier, but it is worthwhile. To me anyway.

And here in my life right now it is peaceful. The sun is shining. In the backyard of the house there is a blossoming tree. Birds are singing.

I am stronger than i thought. Keep it up!

The leaf buds on the trees are slowly opening up. Some trees have flowers first. The almond trees in the Peace Garden. Cherry blossom. Magnolia. Some of them are already out of blossom. A light wash of green covers most trees right now. A bit of white or pink of upcoming flowers. Some trees are still bare.

I do my utmost best to remain tranquil. Right now i feel calm. Peaceful. But at the edge of my consciousness is anxiousness. Sometimes it comes to the front. Usually at night, before i fall asleep. And i feel the beating of my heart. Almost pounding. I do believe in myself though. With all my heart.

It can be so easy to let it go, to conform myself to the most common way of living. Safety first. Insurance of course. But my life is getting less far-sighted.

I do worry sometimes. I am trying to break that unsettling habit. I don’t want to look ahead in my life and see what will be occupying me then. To be honest, i don’t think that is possible. Our looking ahead simply projects our life into the future, but many accidents and changes occur during our life’s progress we are not aware of.

The COVID pandemic from the last two years, the Russian – Ukrainian war going on right now and all the changes that brings along with it show that life is unpredictable to the core.

Where will i be in three weeks time? I don’t know.

Truth be told i do not know.

Last Saturday i went to the market, like i do all Saturdays. It was cold, around 5ºC. I like to look around at the people and the children and the dogs. I don’t talk that much at the market. I enjoy listening. I left the market earlier than usual.

I went out this morning and walked to the Essenburgpark. I looked at all the people i walked by on my way over there. Smiling, saying hi to one or two. My head was still full of what i had just read in the book Ultimate Questions. I was wondering what the people i met on the streets were thinking of. I had no idea. I smiled at the people whose eye i caught.

In the park i sat on a bench for around fifteen minutes. I listened to the birds singing their happy song. Even though it was cold, spring is definitely setting in. I saw some people letting out their dog.

I walked to the supermarket. I was thinking of this post while walking. I only remember half of it. Strange how i seem to forget what i thought.

On the street where i live i came across a lady with a lovely dog. The dog looked me in the eye. He was pulling the leash. The lady let go of him and he ran towards me, jumping up at me. So happy! He was so cute. Or she, i don’t know.

Once inside the house i made some tea. I watched Buitenhof. Most was about the Ukraine – Russian war. Terrible what i saw about the ordinary civilians of suburbs of Kyiv lying dead on the streets where they used to live.

It is a strange time. As always.