There are so many things i long for. Fame, fortune, appreciation, friends, love, sex. Most of these things to me are silly.

Fame? What is the use of that? Well, i can imagine a couple of uses. Having people’s attention. All the people. So i can talk about the things which are important to me. Gardening, food, the world, what we should do and not do to make it a better world. But in itself, fame is not that important. Not that i ever really wanted it. It is just, of lately i can see some more uses of it. Practical things, you know.

Fortune? I need a bit of fortune, of course. But with a lot of money i could actually buy stuff. Ground, in cities, to make gardens. Mines, and give them to the people working there. For example. For which i need billions. Well, i don’t know how my life will continue. Maybe, maybe not. No idea. And all these ideas i have could change.

Appreciation. I have a bit. From friends. I’m happy with that. I hope somewhere in the future lies my best work. With films of course. Video clips.

Friends? I have friends. Not very close, not as close as i want, but still. I have many people around me i like and who like me. Most from the garden. I would like some close friends. But i can live without for now. A bit. 🙂

Love? Aah…. a big one. The big one. This is what my heart longs for. Deeply. Completely. I never had this. Never. Only the one person who i had sex with. Some i fell in love with, but eventually grew out of love with. Yeah, this is what i dream of. Long for. Desperately want. With the whole of my heart. It won’t last of course. The love itself. When you grow older. When you die. It will disappear. I think about that. Falling in love with someone, grow old, and stay alone after he dies.

Sex? The past four years have been more sexual. The eight years before that, when i played World of Warcraft, I felt no sexual desire. Not as i do now. This is connected with love. I imagine meeting somebody who will become a close friend. With whom i will also have sex. Slowly. With desire. I feel like i’m slowly getting there. I masturbated a lot four years ago. This has grown less over the years. I do imagine what it would be like. To have someone real in front of me. With all his faults. As i do have faults. Of course. But still, somebody i will like. Who will be a friend. Who i can talk with about anything. Laugh with. Cuddle up with. And yes, have sex with. I do long for that physical closeness.

I thought i had moved beyond longing for these things. They are still in the back of my mind. Some smaller than others. Love and sex are the big ones. I should think about friends more. I don’t mind being alone. But i do miss really close friends. I hope i will move on with my life. I hope i will find a way to get myself out of here. To work yes.

A salute to you, my reader.

Published on January 21, 2019 at 6:00 by

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