Honesty

I fell today. I tried to keep myself walking on, did a few steps half bend over, and fell. My knee is scraped. I put a light bandaged over it. It is not too bad.

I was on my way to the Albert Heijn. Bought some veggies, salmon for dinner this evening, cream for the coffee.

And now i’m home. With my hurt knee. I decided not to make a walk today. I read an article on the Guardian website: The clitoris, pain and pap smears: how Our Bodies, Ourselves redefined women’s health. It brought up a thought to write some more about my own experience of my sexual feelings. I don’t have a to-do list, so i hope the good ideas stay in my mind and i will remember it. I watched half a youtube video (Dutch) called Het ongemak van vervreemding. Maybe i watch it further. I am not sure. It did remind me of myself, my decision to stop living according to the rules in our current society. Well.

I was thinking of the political issues in the Netherlands. Politicians not speaking the truth. That is what brought me the title of this post. We will see one day where this story ends.

Honest. I can use that. I can be that. In my quiet life.

Published on April 23, 2021 at 6:00 by
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Laboratory

c. 1600, “room or building set apart for scientific experiments,” from Medieval Latin laboratorium “a place for labor or work,” from Latin laboratus, past participle of laborare “to work” (see labor (v.)). Figurative use by 1660s.

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Last night i woke up around four o’clock. I had this word on my mind: laboratorium. The Dutch word for laboratory. It stems from the Latin laborare, meaning to work. In the current society it means work for scientific experiments. It stayed on my mind for a while. Thinking about science being the predominant explainer of the world, the universe, the natural laws. Science being the current maker of vaccines for the corona pandemic we are in right now. Science being the clear voice of where we are now and where we are headed.

Science in our day and age is an empirical endeavor. “Its work employs the best and the brightest in every corner of the globe, and its modes of thinking and reasoning have come to dominate the way mankind understands itself and its place” [source]. It does miss a moral touchstone. The old religions, the old philosophy are more and more devoid of meaning and put aside.

In my life, it is warmth and love and generosity which rules. I do hope i can keep myself afloat with this. It is difficult. I found some warm spots in this world, the garden most importantly. The technocratic and bureaucratic world outside my life is chilling. It is difficult to find good words to describe my feeling of being alive in this world right here and right now.

I’m still assuming i am bright enough to manage my own life. To direct my attention away from my own worries and look into the world and see what i can do about the problems i see there. I hope so.

Published on April 22, 2021 at 6:00 by
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A walk through two parks

Today i made a walk through two little parks close to the train tracks, the Essenburgpark and the Spoortuin. Lovely long and narrow parks with water besides and in between it. It is a good feeling walking through these paths meandering besides the water and the reeds and the trees, straight into the center of town.

Published on April 21, 2021 at 6:00 by
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Past

Today i emptied the compost bin in the Train Track Garden, the Spoortuin. I walked back home, through the Essenburg Park. It was quite warm. Near the end i pulled out my coat. I went past my house and set the bin and my coat on the stairs. Then i went to the Albert Heijn. I got veggies and tuna for Salad Nicoise. Well, my kind of.

Walking back home i thought that i could make a new movie. About the Harvest Market, the Oogst Markt i visit each Saturday. But i also thought about how rich this website is, with the drawings, the photos, the walks, the movies, the stories, the songs. Sometimes i think about easing back on the content, updating it only once a week. But no. Not the right time. Not now. And really, i’m not sure i will make a new movie. I am not sure of so many things.

Being sure of things might seem important. Sometimes i would like to feel sure of certain things. My life, myself, the decisions i have made over the past years. But i am not. When i lie awake deep in the night, i put my hand on the wall behind me and watch my hand. I watch the lights of the cars passing by moving over the ceiling. I move from one side to the other. Sometimes i think of somebody touching me.

I leave you with my favourite movie i made and published on 30 December 2018, Human.

Published on April 20, 2021 at 6:00 by
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My own choice

During the week i enjoy watching Escape to the Country on BBC at 16:00 Dutch time. I do notice the usual reasons people give for deciding to move to a house in the country. Peace and quiet. Not that much traffic. Sitting in a quiet corner, one’s own road up to the house. Several acres of country surrounding the house. For the horses, the chickens. For retirement basically.

But it is not for me.

I do not have wishes to quiet down my life, to live on peacefully until the day i die. On the contrary, i would love my life to be full with people to talk with about the world and it’s problems. Not my life as it is right now. Please no. Of course, for now it is ok. For now i enjoy the walks. I enjoy sitting on a bench and read a book. Sure. But not for the rest of my life.

But if i could make my own choice, i would live inside a city, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, London, New York. Any big city in the Western world.

The sad part is though, i can not make my own choice. I can only follow my own life as it goes along.

Published on April 19, 2021 at 6:00 by
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New room design

Today i made two small changes in the design of my room. I split up the bed and put one side below the window sill. The other side, the bed i will be sleeping on, i turned for 90 degrees. I had to move the small cupboard next to the table and set it against the wall. More room to dance in now. 🙂 I also washed my clothes and bedding linen.

Published on April 15, 2021 at 6:00 by
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A nothing day

I did make a short walk today, went into the supermarket. My mind still filled with the post i wrote yesterday. Still wondering. That is about it. Moving on!

Published on April 13, 2021 at 6:00 by
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Shame

Last night i was lying awake for a while. I was thinking of this terrible vacation i went on around forty years ago. I don’t know why i was thinking about this. I wrote about this earlier, in a post with the title Memories, in 2015.

After my exams, i went on a holiday with a good friend and her family. We were going with the train. We went to Italy, in the north part close to the Alps. Aosta was the town close to where we camped. The day we left, i called her on the telephone. She didn’t answer. I got in a panic and walked up to her house. As it turned out, i was calling the wrong number. Stupid me. The whole time we were hardly talking, until one evening we had a huge fight. I left the next day, or the day after. Afterwards she gave me the photos with me on it. I never saw her again.

This quote is describing what happened then with a coolness and distance which isn’t true. It is almost forty years ago, true. But it is still a painful memory, vivid, in bright colors. The day we left i used a wrong telephone number to try to call her. The silence between us lasted for around a week or so. The fight we had, me sitting in my tent, trying to get away from her as far as possible. The talk her father spoke to me while i was still there, saying i was a blemish on their holiday. When they got back home, i went over for a short time and got all the photographs with me on them. She said they would rather not have them.

The terrible shame i felt. That i couldn’t admit i had made a mistake when i called her. Using a wrong number.

I don’t know why i was thinking about this holiday last night. The talk her father had with me. Which i could only accept. I still felt so young. Not grown up. I don’t know why i was thinking about this holiday for the rest of the day. So long ago. Why waste my time on this.

But i don’t think i am wasting my time. I still need to go through this. I know i have grown since then. I really have. But there are still some things wrong in my life. Some things i need to accept. Like this memory. Nobody is perfect from the start of their lives. Nobody is raised with a good response to every situation they might encounter. You go through life meeting all kinds of different situations in which you need to deal with all the possible outcomes. Some good and some bad.

I do hope i have learned enough to continue with my life as it is today.

Published on April 12, 2021 at 6:00 by
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