Taking care of myself

Today i watched a part of the House of Representatives debate about the records of meetings from the Dutch cabinet in 2019 publicized last week. I am in two minds about this. A a part of me thinks this is a good process, members of the House talking about these diffuse messages from the cabinet, trying to make up their minds. Another part of me is a bit cynical, doubting the members of the cabinet and their aim for truth. Well, to be honest, i doubt many people’s aim for truth, especially all politicians. Trained in the theater and public debates of politics. I prefer to be with people i trust. Mostly people from the garden.

Some things members said in the debate made me think of my own situation. The people being set back as fraudsters. The people targeted by the tax authorities. The people the Dutch government should be taking better care of.

For me, that is exactly what i do not want. If anything, i would like to get away from this, not being taken care of, not being interviewed on television with tears in my eyes, lamenting my own sorrow. Right now, i still live of the money i made with selling my house. For another ten months or so. I do sometimes think of what sort of work i would like to do, would fit in my life. Writing a column maybe. Drawing. Singing. Making a short movie. All things i would love to do. Maybe i am too old? I don’t think so. That is not my world, with everybody young and pretty and lovely.

I don’t know where this feeling i have comes from. I am growing, developing, growing up. I still have some things to do, i’m sure. This feeling of everything going right. Nothing in my world points to that. I have no friends who encourage me in this feeling. It is not something i think of every minute. But i do almost every day. But yes, not there yet.

I still need to grow up more.