Spring garden
Lying awake
Las night i was lying awake once again. Like i did a few days ago. On and off, a couple of nights a week i lie awake. Eventually i will fall asleep. And then wake up again.
Last night i found myself thinking. Half of it i have forgotten now. But some things i do remember. I remember thinking about today. I knew the weather was going to be nice. I planned to go outside and sit in this nice little park behind the house i am staying in. Read a book. Which is exactly what i did. I already posted the photo i made yesterday while i was sitting in the exact same spot.
Last night i thought about myself, my life in this world, the choices i have made, the consequences i am still living with. I thought about what i said to my two sisters when they came to my old place. “I want to have a boyfriend.” Go to Tinder one sister said. I thought about the attractive house lord i stayed with last summer. Go to Tinder, you’ll have a boyfriend in no time he said.
That is not what i want to do. Hell no. It is not about sex. I want to live my own life, in this world. But yes, preferably with somebody else, who i can talk with, laugh with, cook for. Ordinary things. Extraordinary at the same time. And yes, sex. Of course. I long for it. Luckily i am capable to simply put that longing aside, live my life as good as i can. But yeah, the nights can be difficult.
My thoughts of last night do seem closer to me, clearer to me. But it is still hidden, hidden in the night, in the dark. Hidden in the darkness shot through with the moonshine.
Lente
Nude
Published on March 29, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
Categorised in: Drawing and watercolour
Erotic
Ooh man.
It is hard for me to write something which is interesting for somebody else to read, which makes somebody curious about my life, which gives an insight in how i live my life these days.
The past three days i have been aroused. My mind is focused on exactly that: kissing, touching, breathing, smiling, feeling ecstatic. It is all in my mind. I loose myself more and more, each time this feeling comes over me it is becoming more detailed. Nothing is going on in real life. Imagine.
I do think it is important. There is a movement in there. A growing independence, a growing distance. Each time i can let myself get into it more, stare at it, feel it washing all over me. And not let it take me away, not loose control. Apart from loosing a good night sleep. A minor detail.
It is confusing. Interesting, to me. This rapture i feel is a part of me, not somebody else. It is all me.
Salute! Enjoy your weekend 🙂
Ambivalent
I am so ambivalent on my future course in life.
I look back on the posts i have written on this website. I like most of them. They are close to me. Others are a bit more distant. But still, each post is a part of my life. Whether i am right or wrong.
I don’t know what to do. What to think. What is my story? I feel lost right now.
Teeth clenched and hands in fists. Not giving up!
Ooh do get a grip woman. So childish the way you speak here!
Paying my own way
Living means continuously growing up, learning from your experiences, making mistakes, becoming aware of those, doing something else, making other mistakes. And sometimes doing things right. Hopefully more over time.
That is how i see my own life. I don’t want to be dependent of somebody else, i want to make my own way through life. My own way, my own course. Independent.
This is something i have felt over the past years. Could be even since i started working, in 1994. Going slowly, sure. But steady and secure.
I am still not giving up.
Kissing
Calm
I go outside and make a walk five or six times a week. Usually for about an hour, an hour and a half. Today, Sunday 21 March, i made a walk to the Park next to the Euromast. I sat there, besides the maze made from short hedges. Children played in there, running around. The older kids were stepping over the hedges, the younger ones tried usually successfully. Some shouted for help from their parents. Close to the maze are two restaurants, both with a line of people waiting before the entrances to get something to eat or to drink. More people are sitting around the maze, some with dogs, some with children. Or both.
I like to look around while walking. At plants, flowers, houses, traffic, people. I like to pat dogs. If they let me of course. I have learned to ask permission. Some dogs are shy, others aggressive. Today i came across a cat being let out. The cat was looking around, hunting for plastic bags. The cat’s boss said he could call him and let me pat him, but i said the cat was too focused on what he chased.
I try to stay calm. Usually i succeed. Sometimes, once a month or so, when i am at home i feel a bit down, or confused. Going outside does help me.
Today i had a chat with Erik. What i want? To become world famous i said. I still do. Not sure i do believe it myself, stand behind it. And it is not about the being famous. It is just i believe there is something worthwhile in there. If i can stay calm, if i am able to simply talk with the people i meet about anything. Talk about little things, big things. How they are able to live in this world. This deplorable world. Well, something like that.
Strange how people can not believe me. Strange how they fill in their own story in what i say.
Salute!
Hanging
