In previous scrapped versions of this post i have written about being covered by a soothing mind-numbing blanket, about left and right politics, about the child benefits scandal, about a conversation with voices from different angles.

I went back to the first question i wrote for this post: ‘why do i make life so difficult for myself?’

I had cut this question. No. There are more important things to talk about.

But for me this is an important question. There was no need. I could have kept working. I could have stayed in my house. I could have rented out a room. My life could have been so much easier. Carefree.

But no, i have burned all the bridges behind me. No way back. No way forward. Yet.

I think back about the beginning of this process. I was going slightly mad at the job i had at the time. I left soon after. After eight years of silence i started working again on lfs.nl in October 2014. The About present marked the end for lfs.nl. That was it.

January 27, 2015.

On February 9, 2015 at 0:00 i published my first post on ellenpronk.com. The About page came online at the same time.

I hope you will enjoy visiting my thoughts, my mind, my face, my work, my story, my garden work, my friends, my walks. My clips, my songs, my presents, my food, my beauty.

You may feel lost at times. Not understand why i made something. That is ok. I don’t understand everything i made either.

Source About – Published 12 June 2017

This website is my work. I don’t get paid for it. I don’t get the attention i want. Beforehand i thought it would be easier to earn a bit of money with making these posts, each day a new one. It is not easy at all. But it is my work, undeniably.

So here i am at the end of time, sitting in front of my computer, typing away. One part of me is thinking back about the first page i ever published online on 1 July 1997.

I am not sure how these pages will develop, i don’t know how frequent the updates will be. It might be less than i anticipate at this moment. Maybe, when you read this somewhere in the future, you will know more than i do now. Maybe than, where there is nothing now, there will be something for you to discover.

Source jump to the left – jump to the right – one step forward – one step back – twist and repeat – Published 1 July 1997

This is the story of my life. This is the story of me. These choices i have made all by myself. I was happy to work in the garden for five years. I was happy to get to know people who felt sidestepped in this crazy world and with whom i could sit in a communal garden and sing songs and eat food we all brought. We made a story of growing food in the midst of Rotterdam for everyone to see who walked by over the sidewalk at the end of the garden.

But time moves on relentlessly. I am trying to build a life worth living in this world with all its hidden nooks and crannies. It is difficult and hard. Often i have feelings of failing and of sinking back into this mire. But this is me. This is my own handpicked life. I stand by it.

I will start looking for work. I don’t know what sort of work will come my way. But i will take it. I hope. 🙂 I will continue working on ellenpronk.com. I don’t know what i am going to make or write or draw or photograph. As ever.

After these weeks of difficult posts, i’m giving myself a well deserved break. I will see you once again Monday 9 May 2022.

PS. Ooh, i made a new patreon page at patreon.com/ellenpronk. You are welcome to visit.