Author Archives for Ellen

The world wakes up. Sometimes i am a bit early at work. I stand outside and watch the people passing by. Each one is starting his or her day.

The windows of the houses are all different. Some have only a few plants on the window sill, some have closed curtains, some have blackout curtains. I see no people standing looking out of their window.

All this will not last. That is a given. The world is changing continuously. People meet their ends all the time.

While i walk in the commercial hubbub of the modern city i watch the people walking by. Sometimes i imagine a situation in which things are different; the sea level has risen, the shops are empty, food is scarce. People will loose their civilized shiny outer layer. It could happen. One day.

Now i’m back home. My home for now. And i’m distressed and puzzled about what to write. I have scrapped so many sentences i wrote the past week. Mind you, i do that every time i write something recently. To me it is a good thing. It means i am thinking about what to write. Not that i come to an answer, but i don’t mind that too much. For the time being.

I will leave you here. I will be back next week.

Salute!

I just got home from my mom’s place. I stayed there from Thursday till Sunday. I love staying with her. I watched more television than usual at home. We went into the village on Saturday, into the small shopping centre on Friday. It was lovely.

I’m happy to say that i start to feel a bit better. Working is fine so far. I don’t make that much money, but i’m happy with what i have. I will look around for other jobs, but i’m a bit picky.

And then there is me. My old dreams seem a far far away distance. But they are not gone all together. It is partly fantasy. But there is also a grain of truth in there. Small, but still.

It is still impossible to completely let go of these dreams. Of me talking, of me doing things i enjoy doing.

The world feels so wrong. Let’s just hope for the best. Pray, wish, dream, talk. For the best.

A couple of months ago i made a huge error. I gave the address i lived in at the moment to someone of the municipality. I said i lived there for only three weeks. I didn’t pay anything for it. But still, a huge error. I ignored it for a while, but it came back to me.

I felt awful. For months. It is getting a bit better. I can see the circumstances are a big part of why i told the address to the person on the line. But still, shame shame shame. I should never have said it. It would have meant my application for welfare was not valid. In the end it has been denied anyway.

I’m in a vulnerable condition. No home, very little money. For the past four weeks i have worked, but i don’t make enough. I don’t have any debts. that is a good thing.

And then there is this little voice inside of me. Almost inaudible it whispers to me “you gotta go through this” – “there is light at the end of the tunnel”. I almost do not believe this little voice.

Be kind to yourself. A deep warm hug from me to you.

My fourth week of work starts tomorrow. My work of house care isn’t difficult, but i do need to get used to it. I’m happy i need to go to the place i need to clean. It makes my work varied. Sometimes i like the person who i am cleaning for, sometimes i’m indifferent. I don’t dislike anyone.

I’m still in an in between phase. I’m happy i found work to do, but that only goes up to a certain limit. After another month i will talk to the employment agency to check if there are other jobs more in my old line of work, like webmaster of somewhere related to front-end development.

Keep it up woman!