Early in the morning i put my dirty clothes and bed linen in the washing machine. I went downstairs and got my double espresso with a bit of butter and some whipping cream. In the morning i do go through all the new things on my iPad: Feedly with my rss-feeds first, than a bit of facebook, youtube, twitter, Flipboard. The game i play right now is Shop Titans. I don’t pay anything for it, so it goes slow. Then i start up my computer, check my mail and start up a game of warcraft. I’m on my second private server in a week. Just checking out the game.
In the afternoon i went out for a short walk, which got even shorter because of the rainfall. I went into the supermarket AH for some shopping: some veggies, sausages, walnuts and whipping cream. Back home. Lucky it was dry then.
I feel better. I don’t worry too much. I still have confidence in myself. Lucky!
Sometimes i think i should stop trying to write something here on this blog. I fail at it so many times. I’m much better making photographs and making drawings. Or in singing songs, even though i’m not very good at that either.
I guess i enjoy failing at writing too much. Or at drawing! I just got back to working at my drawing, and after a short time i found myself full of doubts. Was this drawing the one i wanted to make? Really? I stopped and i’m giving myself some time to think about this. I’m not sure to be honest.
Yesterday i went to the library with the thought i would get the book called De grote mythen van de moderne geschiedenis (The great myths of modern history) once again. I didn’t find it. The day before i was thinking about so many non-truths which are spread around. This book discusses a few of them. (I just went to the website of the library and made a reservation for this book. I can get it tomorrow or the day after. Yay!)
I do feel hopeless. I feel stuck in a place. I’m still not giving up. I still think there are ways of speaking here which i haven’t found yet. Not about knowing, no. More about being unsure, being ill at ease. Which is what i am right now. That is much closer to it. I do hope i can find it.
Traveling to Mars and setting up a colony over there is a common wish. I had talks about this with people from the garden. I was very much against it, others were not so adamant. I did alter my ideas a bit, saying it would be good to have a long term project, to be started once we have our current troubles on planet Earth under control. Within lets say a hundred or two hundred years. You know, short term.
Our current troubles. Opinions differ in this respect. I am on the pessimistic side. I do believe there are troubles. The diminishing diversity of mammals and insects in Europe. The vast grasslands with no other plants in the Netherlands. I take my examples from Europe, because this is the area where i live. But the examples can be taken from all over the world. It seems to be an endless list of things going wrong. And it all starts with money.
I’m putting in a break here. I have been working on this piece for over a day. I haven’t been writing all that time. Most of the time i felt anxious, worried. Like a fog enveloping me, preventing me from looking out ahead. Like the story i want to tell is moving on without me taking charge. The truth is that i have told this story here before. Not exactly in these words, but still, the same story.
We need to fight. Fight for what we believe in. Fight against the constantly buying new stuff. Fight for a million other things. It is almost too much really. I am on the brink of feeling desperate. I do hope i can get to a place from where i can start making sense.
December last year i had this song in my mind, Nothing Rhymed written by Gilbert O’Sullivan. For a week or two, later at night, this song played in my mind. I learned the lyrics. Over the next few months i sang this song wile walking. I knew i would do something with this. Sing it.
So today i did. Not in my room, but in the bathroom, with a little more distance between my face and my iphone. It is quieter.
I do still remember Gilbert O’Sullivan from the early 70s. I was never a fan.
Right now, i actually do love this song. So here it is.
Nothing Rhymed
If I give up the seat I’ve been saving
To some elderly lady or man
Am I being a good boy?
Am I your pride and joy?
Mother please, if you’re pleased, say I am
And if while in the course of my duty
I perform an unfortunate take
Would you punish me so
Unbelievably so
Never again will I make that mistake
This feeling inside me could never deny me
The right to be wrong if I choose
And this pleasure I get
From say winning a bet
Is to lose
When I’m drinking my Bonaparte Shandy
Eating more than enough apple pies
Will I glance at my screen
And see real human beings
Starve to death right in front of my eyes
Nothing old, nothing new, nothing ventured
Nothing gained, nothing still-born or lost
Nothing further than proof, nothing wilder than youth
Nothing older than time, nothing sweeter than wine
Nothing physically, recklessly, hopelessly blind
Nothing I couldn’t say
Nothing why ’cause today
Nothing rhymed
This feeling inside me could never deny me
The right to be wrong if I choose
And this pleasure I get
From say winning a bet
Is to lose
Nothing good, nothing bad, nothing ventured
Nothing gained, nothing still-born or lost
Nothing further than proof, nothing wilder than youth
Nothing older than time, nothing sweeter than wine
Nothing physically, recklessly, hopelessly blind
Nothing I couldn’t say
Nothing why ’cause today
Nothing rhymed
Today my house lord left for a week holiday in Paris. I will be alone for a week. I want to use this week to reflect on my current situation and which path forward to go into.
This morning i was in doubt for a short time. I knew it was going to rain. Would i really go outside and walk to the market?
So yes, i did go. It wasn’t raining for over half the distance. Then it started. I had brought my rain poncho with me, so i wore it and walked on. At the market i went to Penny Pean, a cafe at the corner. I knew a friend from the harvest market sits there usually on Tuesdays. Happy to say she was there. I ordered a cup of Earl Grey tea and sat down with her and her friends. I sat there for around half an hour when we all left.
I walked over the market. I was planning to go to Bebek the Turkish food stall. He wasn’t there. So i walked up to a fish stall and bought two herrings for my lunch.
After eating the herrings i went inside the library. I went up to the third floor to the philosophy section. I got the book Resistance and Reason in Port-truth Times written by Susan Neiman. It is a short book. I hope i will read it.
I walked back through town. I went inside the HEMA to check out the underwear, but i didn’t see any that spoke to me. So i walked on.
