Author Archives for Ellen

Around 2006, 2007, i stopped seeing my old friends. It was not an anti move, more a too tired to continue to see them one. Some had moved out of town, some others had gotten children, some had gotten a relationship. I felt tired of continuing to try to connect with anyone. I huddled inside and played world of warcraft. Once around 2010, 2011 i met an old friend in the center of town. I almost cried then while we talked. It had gotten to me.

Over the next four or five years me and my old friends met a couple of times. I ate with someone, i came on their allotment, i visited their studio, i stayed over for a weekend. But it didn’t continue. It wasn’t the same, not anymore. We had drifted apart.

I was on the other side of wanting to have friends. I had crossed over. I was feeling good on my own now. Which i didn’t do while i was younger, before 2006, at least not all the time. I felt happier on my own, cheerful even.

Now i have some friends connected to certain environments. Some are friends from the garden. I enjoy seeing them, talking with them. Others are friends from the market. Each Saturday i visit the market around 11 and stay there for two to three hours. We chat about all sorts of things. I usually eat something there, mussels or haring or – eek! – some chips.

But they are not best friends. I am not sure i will ever get a best friend. Maybe that time is past, maybe i have grown up too much to be able to get a new best friend. Even though i do meet new people enough. I am open enough to talk to people i meet and chat about all sorts of things.

I don’t know where and with whom my future lies. I do hope it is somewhere in a nice place.

I wish! 🙂

All the choices i made have defined my life. Minor choices, major choices. Go left or right. Work or don’t work. Sell my house.

One choice was to get back to working online. I stopped in 2006. At first hesitant, but within a couple of years working online grew more to the background, till it turned out of sight. In October 2014 i got back into it.

So, here I am. Not entirely sure which way is the best. The only way forward I see is to follow my own heart. Which is a bit scary, truth be told. But i think i can handle myself. Finally.

Source

I made a few javascript presents. Experimenting a bit, getting a feel for the field. In January 2015 i wrote a post called About. That was it. My last present on lfs.nl.

And now it is November 2021. I have sold my house, almost four years ago. I lived of the money i made then up until now. Sometimes i think i should have rented a room in my old house, or have waited a while and made much more money. But that is all in the past, long gone. I gotta deal with what i have done in the past, not regret the decisions i have made. No use.

The past weeks, ever since i moved into this house i am living in for now, i was lying awake a couple of hours each night, feeling afraid of what is lying ahead of me. Despair. The feeling of the coming time as a time destitute of meaning, me loosing everything i have, me living on the streets.

During the days i felt better. But at night these anxious feelings crept over me. This week though it was less. The idea of writing a post which will spread over the world is still in me. I’m not sure this post is what i had in mind. I gotta let go for a bit to write something i think is valuable.

I am not going into working at the garden anymore. I do visit sometimes, usually at Fridays. Tomorrow, Friday, i will be going there. I will drink a cup of tea and then i will go to Spirit and drink some coffee or eat smething and read a newspaper. I try to keep things normal as long as possible.

It does feel i am crawling further. Slow to the ground. Keeping aware of a couple of things that gets mentioned on facebook and twitter. Aware that for most people this world is like a hellhole. And other people unaware of that. I am not sure which way to go.

It is odd to me that i haven’t found a boyfriend over the years. It’s not i do need a boyfriend, i am at ease on my own. But over the years i have felt attracted to some people. It just never worked out. And i outgrew each time i fell for somebody. The last time i fell something for somebody is years ago. And still, i’d love to be with somebody. Someone to talk with, cuddle with, cook for, kiss with, have sex with. But i am picky.

I still hope i will find someone. Will find some happiness in this world. Will find work i enjoy doing. Hopefully.