Author Archives for Ellen

I don’t always manage being calm and gentle. Lately i get scared more. The last days i get angry at times. Angry at the world. Angry at all the people in it. Who don’t give me what i want.

That is of course ludicrous. Not giving me what i want. You never get what you want. Not that i know what i want for real. I still have a dream of meeting someone who i fall in love with. In the innermost depths of my being. Over the past years i came across some nice men i fell in love for a bit, but it never lasted. So here i am. Single.

I do find it difficult to write these texts, these columns. Last week on Thursday i was so confused about what to write. In the end i read the first bit i had written and followed this. I still find myself thinking of something which resonates within me; and then forget this the next day. Why i don’t know. It could be it is not the right time yet to write that text down.

Single. That is what i am. It is fine. I’m open and careful at the same time. Usually anyway 🙂

I just got out of bed.

I was lying in bed thinking of the near future. I don’t want any money from the state. I don’t want any help from anyone. I don’t want to get anything.

I do not know where i get these thoughts from. I can go and look for a job of course. Of course! But i don’t want to. I don’t want to live in this world with its money and securities and jobs. I don’t want it. I’d rather die.

Well, my mind is looking for other solutions. Which are all wrought with difficulties.

Silly me. Stupid silly me. Crazy stupid silly me.

Hmm, that was an outburst. I pretty sure i won’t die. But i still can’t see what will happen to me.

Still so many things to learn, each and every single day.

Last week i saw Marli Huijer’s reading about the loss of rhythm in the corona lockdown time. For the first time it became clear to me the great loss in social and interpersonal relationships these lockdowns have caused. The daily, weekly and yearly rhythms we are accustomed to were diminished. Holidays were no longer an usual part of our routines. Public holidays like Christmas and Eastern were less celebrated with fewer people present.

For me this was less the case. For the past seven years i have been working on this website, ellenpronk.com with a very strict rhythm: five updates a week, each published six o’clock in the morning, five weeks of holidays a year. This rhythm has kept me sane over the past years. This rhythm made it possible for me to live my life as i was used to. I still made walks, lockdown wasn’t as severe as in other countries where you needed to stay home the whole day.

I am partly living outside the commonplace working life rhythm most adult people have here in western Europe. I don’t have a house anymore, i don’t have a job, i don’t have a regular income. I am not sure what the future entails.

But why would i need to be sure? Why not live my life as free as i can? Why worry so much about money? I do worry, i know that. It is very hard to get away from that worry. Sometimes i succeed, but it does come back.

Each life lived here on this earth needs a steady rhythm to feel healthy. Day after night, week after week, the moons growing fuller and lesser, the seasons turning into each other.

I do feel happy in my life. I hopefully can make a difference in this world. Fingers crossed.

Salute!