Author Archives for Ellen

Work

My fourth week of work starts tomorrow. My work of house care isn’t difficult, but i do need to get used to it. I’m happy i need to go to the place i need to clean. It makes my work varied. Sometimes i like the person who i am cleaning for, sometimes i’m indifferent. I don’t dislike anyone.

I’m still in an in between phase. I’m happy i found work to do, but that only goes up to a certain limit. After another month i will talk to the employment agency to check if there are other jobs more in my old line of work, like webmaster of somewhere related to front-end development.

Keep it up woman!

Published on August 1, 2022 at 6:00 by
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The great refusal

There is this big difference i notice between reading books, newspapers and online news outlets and living in this world.

I am reading a book with the title De grote weigering (The great refusal). This is a short book with at its core a retelling of Marcuse’s One-dimensional Man, a book published in 1964. The same year in which i was born.

It feels to me my mind is following two completely different streams. On the one hand all the texts i have read, on the other hand my living in this world and the force i feel myself to work and earn my own income and take care of myself. Not that i mind that, but it is tough.

Writing this i do think ooh of course it is tough, get with it woman! This is the life you have picked for yourself.

I do enjoy reading The great Refusal. It is available in Dutch only.

Published on July 25, 2022 at 6:00 by
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Following > Treading

Throwing the I Ching, i got 17. Following going into 10. Treading.

I start to feel a bit better. It does take me time to think about everything i did over the past few months and see where it all went wrong. It is hard. My life is hard, but it is all by my own choice.

So i am working right now. In home care, a lowly paid job. It’s fine for now. I am learning.

I will keep up one update a week. I’m still feeling a bit low, but it does get better over time.

Enjoy your week 🙂

Published on July 18, 2022 at 6:00 by
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On the other side

Sitting in the garden, hearing the wind, the birds, the cars in the background, almost non existing. I feel the quiet coming over me.

A confession, i do feel a bit down. My life continues, there are difficulties and troubles. But i manage, so far.

I have two jobs. One in a vegan cupcake shop for one day a week, selling and cleaning up and making lunch. I like it, i work with two women my age. It feels good. The other job is in home care, for three days a week. I can live of it, for the meantime.

This website will need to take a step back. Only one update a week.

It is fine.

🙂

Published on July 4, 2022 at 6:00 by
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A short break once again

I’m tired. That is it for now. I’ll be back Monday.

I’m taking a break from working here. One week for starters, it could be longer. I don’t know! I will keep you up to date of course.

Published on June 24, 2022 at 6:00 by
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A short post

I have been busy talking to all different people over the past few days. My mind is clearing up a bit.

I need to save myself. I can do it!

Published on June 23, 2022 at 6:00 by
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Answers answers

  • Do you have a dream to follow?
    • I do have a dream. Sometimes the dream almost disappears. Like the last couple of weeks, in which i was busier trying to get work, trying to get a welfare benefit, which most likely will fail. But i don’t want this welfare. I don’t want an ordinary job in this world. Only a special job will do. A job in which i talk with people all over the world. A job in which i will sing a song. A job in which i will make a video clip. That is my dream.

      This might not come true of course. Still, i like to talk with people about all sorts. I like to say hey. I like to wave. I like to smile. Lots 🙂

  • What are we, as human beings, going to do with our moment in time?
    • This is different for each person. I want to get my personal best out of life, of course. That almost goes without saying. Still, i like to say it here as an answer.

      I hope i can say what i think at one certain time. That has been hard. I forget. I forget so much. But then i remember again. Yay! Until i forget once more. Mehh 🙁

      So here its up to no forgetting. Yes!

  • What is more important to you in your relationships: love or respect?
    • I am not sure. A couple of years ago i would have said love. Now i might say both love and respect. And maybe, maybe, respect is enough. I don’t know! Not yet!
  • What path through life appeals to you the most?
    • The path i picked in the past eight years was a difficult and lonely path. I never thought it would end here, in this situation. Hardly any money, no house. And i’m still not feeling down. I’m quite happy really. As for this path’s appeal, not sure it has any. But it is the only path i can walk. So far. I am getting closer to a switch. My money is running out. That is the only reason i need to decide what my next step is going to be. Looking for work is one thing. I do hope i can find something soon. I need to! Of course!
  • Bruce Lee: “you will never get any more out of life than you expect”. Do you agree with him?
    • Yes. I do expect quite a lot. Not sure i get all that. I can only hope it. With all my heart.
  • James Baldwin: “you’ve got to tell the world how to treat you because if the world tells you how you are going to be treated, you are in trouble”. Do you agree with him?
    • I am usually a quiet person. I listen to people. I enjoy that.

      It is not my whole story though. I can talk. As for me telling the world how to treat me, it’s getting closer. I know i’m bright, i’m smart, i don’t get fooled easily. I don’t show it that much, but it is true. I have learned for the whole of my life. I am not letting go.

  • Are you able to face up to loneliness in your life?
    • For the most part i have been lonely in my life. I remember the time my father asked me if i wanted to have a blood test taken, to check if i was his daughter. In 1988 or 1989 it was. That was bullshit of course. It was just a spiteful thing my father did. He didn’t want to see me anymore. He wanted to break off all contact with me. It was the last thing i heard from him.

      My mum, i love her. But our relationship is difficult. I’ll let it be.

      So yes, i have been lonely for the most part of my life. Friends have come and gone. I have learned over time. New lessons each time. And i still have so many new things to learn.

      I am not sorry i spend my time the way i did. First going to school, than studying, than to art school, than working, than freelancing. Finally i came to where i am now, with nothing to show for it. But inside i have kept on learning. Working in the garden. Moving from place to place. To where i am right now. I do not feel sorry. I do not have any regrets.

      I can take care of myself. With all my tears, all my sorrows, all my own little and big stuff that is going on, i will take care of myself.

      A promise.

Published on June 21, 2022 at 6:00 by
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