Author Archives for Ellen

My father

Saturday i made a new post with the title ‘Love’. I did plan to write that post. And in my mind, towards the end of that post, my family, my father would come into the post.

That post ‘Love’ is still here, waiting to be filled. Today i made a new post, this one. My father. I don’t think i ever wrote about him on lfs.nl. I don’t talk about him a lot. Only with my family, very rarely.

I haven’t seen my father for around 27 years. He does still live. I know my mother will hear it once he has passed away. Some pension thing. He is 85 now.

When i moved out of the house i am born in, where i grew up for the first 21 years of my life, my mother decided to divorce. I did agree with her. I do remember, when i was 14 years old, saying to my sister that i didn’t understand why my mother stayed with him. There was no love. No contact. No joy. So, it wasn’t a big surprise that after i left the house, the last daughter to leave, my mother left too.

In our house, my father wasn’t a big presence. He worked, he slept a while after dinner, always too long. He sat in the kitchen when he woke up, smoked cigarettes. He was hardly there. Me and my mum were in the living room, watching tv, chatting.

I do think it was difficult for my father. He had three daughters, all intelligent, outspoken. Not afraid to speak up to him. He might have tried to make it work, but i don’t remember. I don’t remember any real interest of him. No questions. No hugs. Nothing. Ever.

I did try to keep in touch with him. I remember coming at his birthday. I rang the doorbell. A face with eyes wide open surrounded by foam from douche gel appeared for the little window in the door. I was the only one there. Later on a friend came by, which was a relief to me.

He did call me. Sometimes he talked, other times he didn’t say a word. I knew it was him. I could hear the water bubbling from the aquarium, close to the phone.

He refused to fill in the forms for my study allowance. The parental contribution would be set to maximum, if there was no information given. I talked to the dean at art school. She said the only solution for me was to get two signatures from people and a signature from my father himself, to get me uncoupled from my father.

The dean gave me one signature. I went to my family doctor and asked for his signature. I had to explain to him it wasn’t a judgement on my father, but a judgement on the relationship i had with him. So he gave me a signature too.

I don’t remember talking to my father. I know i went there. I don’t know if he yelled or just said no. I simply wiped that talk from my memory. I know i got into the house of our neighbours. I do remember the wife getting angry and telling me to leave the papers with her. She would take care of it. And she did.

I do clearly remember the last contact i had with my father. He called me up. I don’t know if this was after or before the signature talk. But, he called me up. He asked me if i wanted to let my blood be taken and be checked. Because he didn’t believe i was his daughter. I responded very calmly. Sure. If that was what he wanted, i would let my blood be checked. No problem.

There was no argument. We had a simple talk over the phone, like two mature people.

It wasn’t a simple talk though. And we were not two mature people.

That was the last bit i ever heard of him. I received no more phone calls from him. This must have been 1988. 27 years ago.

My feelings of hurt, of anger have diminished over the years. I hardly think about him anymore. I do sometimes wonder if maybe i would like to see him once more. But no. Our ending was final. I do feel rejected, yes. He is still my father. But all the usual feelings a child has towards his parent have faded away.

I really do pity him. He had a row with my middle sister, a day after she had her first child. She was still lying in the hospital. He didn’t even look at his first grandchild. The other three grandchildren he never saw. He never saw his three children again. All the things which make a life full with pleasure, he pushed away.

I do not write this piece asking for pity myself. Each life has its own pains and sorrows. You simply need to deal with it, go through it as good as you can. I did spend time yesterday and today thinking about this article. I even cried a bit. Some memories do still hurt. Or maybe they hurt more now.

This is an old pain though. Not too present in my life now, more a faint memory.

Tomorrow i’ll write a new post. I don’t know what that will be about.

Make a good day!

Published on May 11, 2015 at 6:00 by

More about sex

Reading about love and sex is something i do enjoy doing. I don’t search for it, but i got a few places i like to go to and read.

I don’t watch porn. I have seen some porn movies, most when i was organizing Sexposition in 1992, a exhibit about sex and art i organized together with a friend. I know i can be turned on by porn, but there is something about most porn movies i do not really enjoy.

In my post about my personal sex life i did say i was more aroused the last 6 months or so. That is still true. I even find that i am aroused by women. Especially large women, with large soft boobies and a large belly and voluptuousness all around. It’s not that i act out these feelings, i’m not sure if doing something with it will be as arousing as fantasizing about it. But i’ve witnessed myself staring at the television when there was an attractive big woman on it, with fantasies running through my mind.

And yesterday, when i saw a ad in my inbox with a girl on it who seemed so skinny. It was horrible – honestly i was repulsed. Which does remind me of my own post yesterday, where i spoke about my own weight. Of course the dancing clip wasn’t me at my best. Not at all! I know i can look better. I know i do weigh a bit too much, but over the past year i have lost about 10 kilos, and they didn’t come back! So i should be really happy with that.

So you might think i’m lesbian. I do find women attractive, but i have only fallen in love with men. So i think not. It’s just my thoughts and fantasies are running around with me over the past months. Women, men, orgies, people watching me. The past eight nine years i wasn’t into sex at all. It simply didn’t exist in my life. Sometimes i did try to masturbate, but it wasn’t that much fun. So this change is a bit perplexing. I’m not sure where these fantasies come from. But i do think fantasies is exactly what they are. In the end, i’m still extremely romantic. Terribly! Desperately!

I do hope i can handle that feeling a bit more. I know now i couldn’t when i was younger. It was probably one of the main reasons boys said no to me.

I’m careful. I’m not after sex alone. I still would like to fall in love. One day.

So, in the meantime, i do read more about love and sex. The Salon love and sex stories i check out once a week or so. I don’t read every story, but this past week my eye did fall on the Reddit post “Vaginas are more like pennies”: Virgins have questions about sex, Reddit has answers. This post lists some of the questions with some of the answers. It’s also quite positive about the thread and the earnestness with which people try to answer the questions.

“how do you kiss properly / not suck at kissing?”

“you don’t have to stick your tongue in your partner’s mouth immediately. Basically, start with just lips, then move to gently licking their lips. If your partner is still receptive, then continue to full tongue. Once tongues are in full play, remember the point it not to lick the other person’s tonsils. … On the technical side, remember to breath through your nose. It’s oddly easy to forget to breath during a good kiss.”

So i went to the Reddit page [Serious] Virgins of Reddit, what questions do you have about sex that you’ve always wanted to ask but were too embarrassed to?.

Oops, i got sidetracked by this post on female masturbation.

Anyway, back to the Reddit page. Reading through it:

Honesty I’m just curious what a woman’s breasts/etc are actually like…
Warm, soft, squishier than a stress ball but kind of also like a bag of jelly or water. The nipple is what really separates the breasts. Some are like pencil erasers, some don’t really stick out until they get aroused. Boobs are fun.

What does a women “taste like”.
Wet salty penny

Not a virgin, just not that experienced. As a woman, I never know what do with girl-on-top. Do I just move up and down? How do I position my legs? How do I move my hips?
You can do all sorts of fun stuff when you’re on top. You can lean forward and move in a manner that rubs your clit on his pubic mound area, you can sit straight up and go up and down, lean back, go slow, go fast, there are tons of ways to do it. Just play around and have fun, you’ll get the hang of it. Good luck: )

I’ve seen a lot of back/forward up/down comments, but personally I like mixing both. Make clear circles. Up and forward, down and back, like the drive shaft on a steam engine. Do it slow and sensual and it’ll melt him. Just make sure you don’t pull too far up/forward because if his penis slips out you’ve lost the rhythm.
I also find the circular motion more comfortable and easier to maintain for longer.
I think that in general, whichever one of you is in charge of movement, you should try and give it that extra dimension. Not just in/out, up/down. Move more and you’ll feel so much more.

Lights on or off
Yes! both! neither! Personally, I like seeing what I’m doing most of the time. Off is nice sometimes too.
TL;DR: Whatever makes you comfortable.

How the hell does it even happen? Do you both just decide to do it, or is at one thing leads to another thing?
Hormones. Hormones happen.

Am I supposed to say thank you after?? Like when you’re done is it just like “Thanks, have a breath mint”, or do you have to cuddle for a while? Are there unspoken rules?
My boyfriend and I high-five afterwards.

Does it actually feel physically good for the guy or is it all in the mind?
This is kind of a false premise. A lot of the sensation is from stuff your brain releases while you’re going at it, so the good feeling is coming from your brain. But yes, there is physical sensation, and it’s pretty much the best.
That said, a lot of the quality of sex is determined by how in sync (and enthusiastic) with your partner you are, and what you’re thinking about while you’re going at it. If you’re 100% focused on pleasing her and having yourself pleased, then it’s amazing, the greatest feeling there is. If you’re distracted, or not particularly attracted to her that day, or whatever, then the quality of your sex will suffer. So a lot of the quality of sex is “all in the mind,” in that sense.

Today was a busy day in my head. Right now i feel tired. It’s almost seven o’clock. I think i’m gonna sit on my couch, watch some tv until another Harry Potter movie starts tonight. Tonight it’s Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Bye bye lovelies! Have a good weekend!

Published on May 8, 2015 at 6:00 by

School diaries

A couple of years ago i cleaned up my diaries collection. The last ten or twenty years i used a refillable one, up until i finally got a smartphone. I threw away all the fills. There was nothing of interest in it. But my old school diaries i couldn’t throw away. Especially the two which i photographed for this post, the ones from 78/79 and 79/80. The pages of these diaries are filled with pictures of pretty girls, stories and most of all, music!

You can actually see the shift in my taste. Up until 78 my taste was very much influenced by my elder sister. She is eight and a half years older than me. So Steely Dan, Little Feat, the Eagles, Crosby, Stills Nash and Young, J.J. Cale, Stevie Wonder and so many others were coming out of her world. Over the years, Steely Dan has come back into focus and is now one of my favourite bands of all time, but the other bands didn’t fare that well.

The first band that got my attention, fired me up, with bells and ringlets and triangles was the Nina Hagen Band. She performed on a Dutch show from Sonja Barend and i was totally in love!

Other new bands from this time were Gruppo Sportivo, Elvis Costello and yes, of course the Police.

Enjoy!

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Published on May 5, 2015 at 6:00 by

A normal day

Today was a normal day. I did sleep well. Honestly! And i did feel a bit tired, but not too much. I actually watched this BBC show on tv ‘Homes under the hammer’ this morning for a bit. Well ok, i missed half of it, but still! It was months ago since i last saw that. And then i went out for some shopping. I needed to get some catty litter, mustard. I also got some chocolate. Hmmm 🙂

In the afternoon i went out again and walked to Joline Jolink‘s shop, which is around 25 minutes walking. I got myself the green sweatpants which were alluring me for quite some time. They are the ones you see at the top of this post. I am wearing them now and they are wonderful!

When i got home one of my customers called about work. I needed to do some logo refinements.

After that i made some dinner. A salad with fennel, lettuce, potatoes and parsley and chives. The dressing had anchovy, garlic, mustard, salt, pepper, an apple vinegar and olive oil. It was lovely.

2015-04-30-17.26.35

Tonight i’m gonna watch another Harry Potter movie on tv. Hopefully i will have another sleepfull night.

Good weekend!

Published on May 1, 2015 at 6:00 by

A woman

Being a woman is a given to me. It is not a property which i question. I am actually quite happy being a woman. I love my own body. I know i should loose a couple of kilo’s. Well, let’s say ten, or well, twenty. But i am not that bothered by it. Not anymore.

In the last talk i had in the company i worked at last year, my boss there said to me:

You’re such a woman!
Je bent zo’n vrouw!

To which i replied

You are so right!
Daar heb je helemaal gelijk mee!

There was also a bit of an eye movement going upwards. A bit of a sigh. At least that is how i remember that moment. This was towards the end of the talk.

After this talk, i walked a floor up and asked the team i had promised to do some work for if they really needed me. When they said no, i said i was going home that day, or rather, in few hours or so. I went back to my workplace, went out for lunch to get a bit more quiet, got back and turned of my computer and brought it to the service desk. I then gave the remaining moo cards to my then present colleagues and exchanged phone numbers. I then walked down to the cafeteria. I told the barista that i was leaving. He did react surprised. He actually got a bit more angry than me. But it was ok.

He gave me some coffee. After a few minutes my boss came in. We had a short talk, i don’t even remember what was said. Then i saw the scrummaster of my team. I went up to him, shook his hand, told him i would be at the farewell lunch the next week, and said goodbye. With my boss i walked to the reception, i gave my key and left the building.

I know it was a mess. This has never happened to me before. But i also felt that this was enough. I could see an upcoming fight to try to get things a bit more right. I wasn’t sure i would succeed at it. But i felt the road ahead was closed to me, partly by my own actions and feelings. So i left. Relieved.

The expression my boss had when he said to me ‘you are such a woman’ was mostly one of exasperation. Which to me meant that i wasn’t supposed to act like a woman. I was supposed to act like a man? Like a child? Like a hermaphrodite? Like something neutral?

I’m not even sure what behaviour of me caused that remark. But the remark is still with me. I still think about it. I’m still puzzled by it.

Today i read two articles about Joris Luyendijk and his book about the London City people working at banks and making millions: Dit kan niet waar zijn: onder bankiers (This cannot be true: with bankers), which he wrote after interviewing many of them for The Guardian. The first article was in the Dutch paper Trouw: Het amorele systeem waarin wij leven. Joris speaks about this travels through the Netherlands and the speeches he gives. People keep telling him: it’s not like that only in London City, it’s here too. There is no inherent value anymore in our work, it’s all measurable targets, figures, efficiency.

Joris: ‘Morality has become suspect. There is only one thing which gets moralized about and that is that we can not moralize anymore. But the absence of a talk about who we want to be leads to a shattering.’

The next article was in the Dutch paper NRC (you need to get a initial subscription and read Dutch): Bankiers leven in een amoreel universum.

Joris: ‘The biggest compliment in the world of the amoral shareholder value is calling someone ‘professional’. It means that you keep your emotions outside of work, including moral convictions. Those are for the home environment.’

Being called a woman by a man or a woman means, for me, being called emotional. Being called a person who feels. Being called unprofessional.

I do not consider myself unprofessional. I do enjoy delivering quality in my work. I do enjoy thinking along and together with the customer. But there have only been a handful of customers who appreciated that from me, in the twenty years i’ve been working. Most simply want me to do what they ask from me. Even if what they want is so wrong for them.

As i said before, this post does not end in a definite answer to last for eternity. I’m thinking. And talking to you, the person who reads this. I do have so many questions, about the world, about the people, about us leading our lives, with fear and uncertainty and love and friendship and loneliness.

I wish you many thoughts. Enjoy.

Published on April 30, 2015 at 6:00 by

White asparagus and potatoes with hollandaise sauce

One of the new vegetables in springtime is asparagus. Here in the Netherlands they are mostly grown in Limburg, a province in the south eastern part.

I just read the wikipedia page i’ve linked to, and it does seem that it’s almost exclusively eaten in the north western part of Europe. Please correct me if i’m wrong. The countries mentioned in the wikipedia post are: Netherlands, Spain, Poland, Belgium, Germany, Austria, Italy and Switzerland.

I’ve grown to love asparagus. I do love green and white, but yes, i do prefer the white ones in springtime. There are many recipes for asparagus, most of them not very complicated. You can add a nice ham, or salmon, or boiled eggs which are finely sliced. The asparagus itself is quite tender. You do need to break of the lower part of it and peel it close towards the top. I use the peelings and lower buttons in the water while i get it to boil before i add the asparagus itself.

The potatoes i skin and boil for around 20 minutes. I used Roseval, a good waxy potatoe ideal for this recipe. I also use herbs, in this recipe some flat leaf parsley and chives.

The hollandaise sauce i made is easy. It’s a sort of mayonaise with melted butter. An egg yolk, some white wine vinegar, a bit of mustard, salt and pepper are first whisked together. Then the melted butter is slowly added and whisked at the same time.

It is a light and a bit sweet recipe. Wonderful!

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Published on April 29, 2015 at 6:00 by

A walk in Rotterdam: the Rottemeren

It was King’s Day yesterday, Monday April 27, in the Netherlands. I did watch the start of the official celebrations in the morning, but turned it of after an hour and decided to go for a walk. It was not warm, quite chilly really, around 12 degrees Celsius, but the sun was shining. I did wear a woolen sweater, which made it good to go for me.

A walk i wanted to make for some time was a walk to the Rottemeren. I actually live besides the Rotte, so it was easy, simply walk past the small river out of the city towards the country. In the beginning i was in the city mostly, with many houses around. Towards the Rottemeren they did disappear, but i was two hours walking by that time. It is one of the most densely populated areas in the Netherlands, so it’s hard to be all alone with a clean view of the land.

I did meet a nice woman halfway, Nelleke. We walked up for an hour or so, talking about plants, birds, the royal family, and lots of other things. I did ask her if she would mind if i mentioned her in this post. As you can read, she didn’t! I also took a picture. I gave her the address of this blog, so hopefully she reads this post.

When we reached the Rottemeren, she turned back and walked back home. I went further along. I had decided to take a bus back to Rotterdam from Bleiswijk. There was a restaurant at the corner, Meerenbos. I had two croquettes with brown bread and sat there for a bit. I then walked to the center of Bleiswijk and, after around 15 minutes of waiting, the bus came. I had asked in the restaurant how to get back to Rotterdam, so i knew i had to take the bus to the RailstadRail metro from Rodenrijs and travel from there to Rotterdam. By the time i got the bus, it was almost half past five. I had left home half past one, so it was quite a walk i had made. I’m guessing it was around 18-20 kilometers.

Right now i’m still tired. I’ll be off to bed soon. Hopefully for a good nights sleep.

Good night lovelies, don’t let the bed bugs bite!

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Published on April 28, 2015 at 6:00 by