Doubts

It is difficult to let go of my dreams. Simple as they are, they are all the more tempting. I’m not thinking nothing will come of it. But it is holding me back. So right now i’m filled with doubts. Not sure which way to go. Not sure what action will make me the happiest.

I do know i need to stay close to me. Trust in me. Wait for the right time. I hope. I know i’m gambling. I know i’m the only one believing in myself. I hope i can find the strength in myself to go ahead with my life. To feel happy. To shine.

I so hope.

And doubt.

It is hard to recognize the bits in me which are really me. The bits in which i adapted to the people around me. The people around me which changed all the time.

Maybe you wonder why i throw the I Ching, why i use the tarot cards. Partly because they are around. But i also feel my life currently is moving in line with the world. Anything i read, anything which generates a meaning, is important for me. It doesn’t matter where it comes from. It is like, everything arrives at my place at the right time. It is scary, because i do not feel safe at all. I often do not know which way to go. The only thing i can depend upon is myself, my own feelings and emotions.

I remember last week i was thinking this line which i uttered in a fantasy:

Give me a crown and i will wear it with pride.

The crown of course is corona.

I do feel lost. But i’m not asking for help. I’m not giving up. No no no no. Not now. This close.