Plan A

Three months ago i moved my stuff out of my house. I stayed in there for another short week, clearing up all the things i didn’t want to save. Magazines, a couch, an old fridge. Out of my house.

Because it still felt like my house. And really, right now, it still feels like that. I still feel the pain of leaving that nice little place at the waterside close to the center. I still have the key of the downstairs front door, so i can get my post. Because i’m still officially living there. Sometimes at night i still see the sleeping room, the bathroom, the backroom, the front room and the kitchen in my mind. I still feel what it was like to live there. Safe. Alone.

This hurts. A lot.

This evening i talked with Ted about this feeling. I felt the tears coming to my eyes. I said i have only one plan. Plan A. This website. This place which i have made my own. This place which i love. This place here where i feel at home. This place i can not leave behind.

Right now i’m in an in between place. Not yet leaving behind my past, not yet looking to the future. This pain i feel is something i need to deal with. I need to give it a place to rest. I know i can. I know. But it is hard, difficult, painful.

So right now, i am looking back, living the memories.

I hope you are well. Enjoy the weekend. Stand up straight! Salute!