My dream life

Half my life is a dream life. The past year and a half, these dreams i did not have sleeping, i had them awake. Sometimes during the day, other times during the night.

Night dreams are usually stronger, more vivid. Less distraction. I spend some times crying in my bed. Not out of unhappiness. From pure emotion, sadness, happiness, hopelessness all mixed together.

All these dreams happened when i was in my house or in the train. Immovable. In the train listening to music, my mind following its own pace.

When i’m outside of my house, shopping or walking, or both, i don’t dream. I look around, at the people, at the trees, the birds and dogs.

I’m still at home a lot, by myself. I work at ellenpronk.com, sometimes i have some paid work, sometimes i play a game, sometimes i watch tv. And the rest of the time i dream. Daydream. Nightdream.

These dreams are all connected. They move forward slowly. My current dreams are so different from a year ago.

I am observing my dreams. Letting them happen is one thing. Thinking about them is another. That is hard. The dreams are my ultimate fantasy, my ultimate life, the things i wish for most.

I dream i am invited in a television show. The last week i see other shows, but i usually pick De wereld draait door. The past day i had a dream i started to sing. Do Re Mi. From the Sound of Music. I did sing My favorite things a few months ago.

I am directing the sentences to people in the audience. A line for the table man or lady. A line for Matthijs. A line for Pauline Cornelisse. A line for Hadewych Minis. Applause. Huge!

Well. Let’s start with saying that the things i dream about are most likely not to happen. Not entirely, not literally. But yes, i confess, i am curious about getting on television, getting asked questions. It is dangerous. I might close up. These dreams to me are exercises. What if something like this would happen, how would i react?

I am still living quietly. Still waiting. But i also do know that a change can happen suddenly.

Falling in love is my ultimate dream. I used to fall in love a lot more when i was younger. Hopelessly. Dreams full of romantic images. A body full of feelings. It took me a long time to get a bit of control over these feelings. I would have given up everything if someone would have fallen in love with me. Sadly nobody did. Ooh, that is not true, i do think some did, but they were so shy and polite, they never said anything to me and looked me in the eyes. I only got a card from someone from art school. I didn’t know how to handle that. So i said nothing. I also remember getting a letter from someone while i was studying in Delft, but that story never left the paper.

A year and a half ago i had this crush on someone i met at work. I do remember seeing his wedding ring. At that moment i felt the romantic feeling leaving me. A breath of fresh air. That felt good.

The feelings were still there though. So i had to find someone way outside of my world. Someone i would never meet. Someone living in another world. I don’t know how i made that switch. But i remember standing in the train, while i was still working and thinking about him. So stupid. But also very tempting.

Over the past year and a half there were moments i could leave this feeling of love. I had conversations with myself, in which i was very stern with myself. Stupid girl! Do not do this. It is a dream, it is not real. But deep in the dark of night, where my daytime mind leaves me and the night enters, i dream away.

I should apologize really. Not that it had any effect on this person, since he doesn’t know. It is just my own private little heaven on this planet. A place i know i should leave. If i want to make something of my life. If i want to start talking, be in this world. If i want to dance, sing, talk, sleep, walk, smile, laugh, be quiet, be happy. I would like my life to be too busy to dream away.

So yeah, this person, David Gamson, i might meet someday. Or not. I probably will turn red. Or not. I don’t know. I hope by that time i will be busier than i am now. I do hope my life will get busier. Soon.