Falling in love

Last night i was lying awake, around four. I wanted to sleep, but it just didn’t happen. At one point i turned on the lights and got my iPad and played a game. And turned the iPad away again. In the dark, i was thinking of writing a post about falling in love. Which of course i have written before. Sex. Love. Daydreaming. Art.

Falling in love. It is still my biggest dream. Apart from becoming famous. *grin*

I do feel different. Different from when i was younger. Growing up, feeling all these emotions. I always felt too awkward, too closed up inside myself to really get someone’s attention. Looking back, i see my fallings in love were from a very young person. I remember my last one, which i could quite easily hold back once i realized he was married. The first time i was able to do that. Luckily.

So yes, i do know i have grown over the past ten years. I like myself better now. More open, more curious about other people. Not that the biggest part of me is still very private, not that i really enjoy being with myself.

Today i was at the Vredestuin. Some seeding, courgettes. Some planting, onions. Some harvesting, spinach. Some talking to the other people working in the garden. I loved it.

I’m gonna leave this post as it is. I am tired. An early night for me.

PS. I don’t know if i was right in saying here i felt awkward when i was younger. I might have been too closed up inside. But it seems to me i was quite happy on my own. I was never bothered with it. I remember the summer of 1986, just before i went to art school. And the summer of 87. I don’t think i saw one single person.

There is also the switch in going out. When i lived in Vlaardingen and had a group of friends, we did go out, in Rotterdam most of the time. But when i moved to Rotterdam, i had lost contact with that group, and i simply didn’t go out anymore.