Thinking out loud

Two weeks ago i woke up in the middle of the night. I sat up straight in my bed. Thoughts were running through my head. I could hear them loud and clear.

I forgot. Of course. But i know what surrounded this night. The evening before i started reading the book Staat van Verwarring written by Ad Verbrugge. A book wherein erotic love between a man and a woman stands in the middle. A book wherein surrendering is almost impossible in our current atomized postmodern time.

I don’t know if i can surrender. Or want to? I do dream about it. It is a steady background fantasy in my life. So on the one hand yes, of course i want this. In a perfect situation, with the perfect man, i would love that this would happen to me. It doesn’t mean i want to be loved and cherished and worshiped. I want a friend. A true friend. Someone i can take care of. Someone to laugh with. Talk with about anything. Cook for. Cuddle with. And yes, have sex with. I’d love that. Truly.

But right now, i have some other things on my mind. Like those words in my mind two weeks ago. The words i forgot. Which i hope will come back to me eventually. There is something in my mind which needs to get out, desperately. After that, well, that is for another time. For now, i need to make more effort to try and say what i really want to say in as clear a voice as i can have.

Enjoy the weekend. Salute!

Published on July 26, 2019 at 6:00 by
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The Arousing

I thought about growing the I ching coins yesterday, but in stead i decided to make a drawing. Today i did throw. I have this fantasy of throwing all sixes which gives The Creative turning into The Receptive. A small fantasy. Maybe when i am a lot older. No, this time i got 51 The Arousing. I like this one. I like it that it is a single sign. I also feel it is fitting to my current situation.

I know i should be looking for a new house, looking for work, looking for something to earn a living with. But no, i want to keep on working. I still believe in myself. Fully. But it is getting tight. I can feel my own doubts gnawing at my determination. It is scary.

So yes, i need to get myself in action. Over the next few weeks. I do think i have made my preparations.

Exciting!

51. Chên / The Arousing (Shock, Thunder)

above CHêN THE AROUSING, THUNDER
below CHêN THE AROUSING, THUNDER

The hexagram Chên represents the eldest son, who seizes rule with energy and power. A yang line develops below two yin lines and presses upward forcibly. This movement is so violent that it arouses terror. It is symbolized by thunder, which bursts forth from the earth and by its shock causes fear and trembling.

THE JUDGMENT

SHOCK brings success.
Shock comes-oh, oh!
Laughing words -ha, ha!
The shock terrifies for a hundred miles,
And he does not let fall the sacrificial spoon and chalice.

The shock that comes from the manifestation of God within the depths of the earth makes man afraid, but this fear of God is good, for joy and merriment can follow upon it.
When a man has learned within his heart what fear and trembling mean, he is safeguarded against any terror produced by outside influences. Let the thunder roll and spread terror a hundred miles around: he remains so composed and reverent in spirit that the sacrificial rite is not interrupted. This is the spirit that must animate leaders and rulers of men-a profound inner seriousness from which all terrors glance off harmlessly.

THE IMAGE

Thunder repeated: the image of SHOCK.
Thus in fear and trembling
The superior man sets his life in order
And examines himself.

The shock of continuing thunder brings fear and trembling. The superior man is always filled with reverence at the manifestation of God; he sets his life in order and searches his heart, lest it harbor any secret opposition to the will of God. Thus reverence is the foundation of true culture.

Published on July 24, 2019 at 6:00 by
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Falling out of love

I am growing older. I see it in the photo i just made of myself. More wrinkles. I did make the photo a lot brighter in photoshop. Vanity. Yeah.

I am still single. Living by myself. It is still my dream, falling in love. I left it once, in my silent time. Didn’t think about it much then. For the past five years it has been changing. I am growing up. Growing stronger. Thinking more. Even though it is still hard for me to speak my mind clearly, to find the time to relax and think properly and let the words form inside me and speak them. Difficult.

My dream of falling in love and someone else falling in love with me is very private. I kept it for myself mostly. It is not the biggest dream i have. My biggest dream is me leading the life i want to lead. Talking with people, in public. Talking about this world, what we make of it. Talking about our ideas, our wishes. Talking about celebrities, and why we love them. Talking about changes we can make in our lives. Talking about making our lives more truthful, about working together for a better future. Talking about working together making the world a better place for all the living beings on it.

Stuff like that.

So right now, i’m actually falling out of love. I don’t have the time. Sorry no. Not for me, not right now.

I have work to do.

Published on July 19, 2019 at 6:00 by
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Flowers and more on the Vredestuin Noord

Would love to know the name of this tree. I will ask soon!
Sweet pea
And more sweet pea
I love the colours: yellow, white and magenta
BAMMM!! Wonderful colour 🙂
Amaranth
Calendula
Common mullein?
Bright and yellow
Apples
Grapes
Hmmm, i should ask
Sort of a thistle type plant
Evening primrose
Pear
Comfrey
Beetroot
Tomatoes
Red currants
Hibiscus
White light pink hibiscus
A path through the woody parts of the garden
Tree trunks planted with mushroom ents a week ago
All the tree trunks together
A sunflower - next week it will be open!
Lovely white flowers
Berries, elderflower maybe?
A rainbow in a fountain on my way home
Hollyhock?
And more lovely plants besides the water on my walk back home
Published on July 18, 2019 at 6:00 by
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Today’s music

Until You Come Back to Me (That’s What I’m Gonna Do)
Aretha Franklin

Bad Sneakers
Steely Dan

Three Girl Rhumba
Wire

Greatest Love of All
Whitney Houston

It’s Going To Take Some Time
Carpenters

I Would Stay
Krezip

Yesterday Once More
Carpenters

I Don’t Know How To Love Him
Yvonne Elliman

Being Boring
Pet Shop Boys

Long Distance Love
Little Feat

We’ve Only Just Begun
Carpenters

Numbers
Kraftwerk

Mimi
Etron Fou Leloublan

Dreams – Colors Mix
Beck

Le Freak
Chic

Pretty in Pink
The Psychedelic Furs

MALAMENTE – Cap.1: Augurio
Rosalía

Ready or Not
Fugees

Theme from S-Express
S’Express

Django Jane
Janelle Monáe

thank u, next
Ariana Grande

Showroom Dummies
Atom TM

Outdoor Miner
Wire

Published on July 17, 2019 at 6:00 by
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Books to read

In the past three weeks i have been watching quite a few youtube videos and read some books. I discovered new writers to discover: Ad Verbrugge, a Dutch philosopher and Paul Verhaeghe, a Belgian psychologist. Both have written books about the current times, love and loneliness and sexuality. I am still reading these books. All these books are written in Dutch.

From Verhaeghe i have the following books from the library:

Identiteit (Identity)
Autoriteit (Authority)
Intimiteit (Intimity)
Liefde in tijden van eenzaamheid (Love in times of loneliness)
Het einde van de psychotherapie (The end of psychotherapy)

Van Ad Verbrugge i have the following two books:

Tijd van onbehagen (Time of discomfort – which i got after the death of my stepfather two years ago)
Staat van verwarring – Het offer van liefde (State of confusion – The sacrifice of love)

I will write more about these books and what they made loose in myself over the coming weeks.

Published on July 16, 2019 at 6:00 by
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Keto courgette cake

Last Friday there was a first harvest of courgette (zucchini for you USA people). I decided to make a courgette cake with, as i made tens of times before in the years past. This time though, it would be a keto cake. No sugar, no wheat flour. In stead, i will use erythritol and almond flour. No sultanas this time, i stopped eating them the beginning of this year. Too sweet.

To be honest, i found the cake a bit too savory. I should have thought about the lack of sultanas and add a bit more sugar. I think for next time i will buy some sultanas, even though they are too sweet for me personally. But, on the whole i enjoyed the cake. Especially the almond flour adds a really nice flavour.

Ingredients

  • butter, for the tin
  • 3 medium eggs
  • 125ml vegetable oil
  • 100g erythritol
  • 350g courgette, coarsely grated
  • 1 tsp vanilla sugar (optional)
  • 300g almond flour
  • 1 tablespoon of psyllium powder
  • 2 tsp cinnamon
  • ¼ tsp nutmeg
  • ½ tsp bicarbonate of soda
  • 85g almonds, roughly chopped, or any other nut or seed you have
  • a pinch of salt

Method

  1. Heat oven to 160C/160C fan/gas 4. Butter and line a 2lb loaf tin with baking parchment. In a large bowl, whisk the eggs, oil and sugar, then add the courgettes and vanilla.
  2. In another bowl, combine the remaining ingredients with a pinch of salt.
  3. Stir the dry ingredients into the wet mixture, then pour into the tin. Bake for 1 hr and ten minutes, or until a skewer inserted into the centre comes out clean. Leave to cool, then serve, or freeze for up to 1 month.
Mixed the eggs, erythritol and oil. Added the vanilla sugar.
And the rasped courgette.
Put the raw almonds on the top of the cake
... and done!
Published on July 15, 2019 at 6:00 by
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