I have been working on this website ellenpronk.com for four and a half years now. First of all, i love making work online. Ever since i started 1 July 1997 it was wonderful learning new things and making something that surprised me.

I tried out a few different upload schedules. First it was whenever i felt like it. When i started making presents in 1999, i made one every day for quite some time. I set the time of upload, the date and i was done. After a year or so it did wear me out, so i took a break more often. I did once say that the five days a week updates agreed with me the best. So when i started working on this website, ellenpronk.com, i decided from the start to do five updates a week. I also decided to give myself some weeks of free time. Five weeks in total, the same amount you get here in the Netherlands when you work. This year is the first year i will be taking up all these weeks: three in summer, two around Christmas.

I do still think about my quiet time, the eight years between 2006 and 2014. I remember feeling i had to hold on. But i did let go more and more. It did fade away.

And the world changed. Time moved on.

I love this work. Honestly love it. Not every post i make, not every single thing. Sometimes my life just keeps on going and i don’t think about it that much. Not that i imagine many people watch what i am doing. Hell no. But that is not the most important thing. To me working on this website, making an update for each working day of the week is very fulfilling. With all the difficulties of course, like last week. A friend expressed his doubt about this website. He said i put too much trust into it. I do understand it, but i simply can not let go. This is my work. This is what i do in my life. And yes, for years i have worked besides it. No problem. But times have changed. I don’t know what sort of work i would enjoy doing.

So this is what i do. Here. I do hope you will find some enjoyment in this place.

I only have five months until i have to leave my house. During the day i feel fine, but at night i feel so afraid at times. What if all i imagine will happen to me doesn’t happen? I only have around forty-five thousand euros left, only for a year of rent. What then? What if i need to find a job after that? Only a week ago i checked the rent apartments in the center of Rotterdam, the cheapest are a thousand euros a month, and most are more fifteen hundred. What if? What if?

Scared. Nightmares circling around my head. Deep dark thoughts enter my mind. What if?

What if i break? What if i can not follow through? What if i feel lost in this world? What if i stay this small and insignificant? What if?

I wrote the previous part yesterday. Or even on Friday. Last night i was thinking about this coming to the conclusion this was a complete mistake to write. I should be tough and try to break out and be confident.

This afternoon i spoke with two people about these things in the garden. I cried. Not because i am sad, but because i am emotional. Some truths were spoken. That i put too much faith in this website. I trust it too much. I can see that point.

I said that it was hard for me to reach an outspoken truth here on this site. That each time i feel i’m simply not getting to the point i want to make. That i need one chance. Only one. That i should grab it with both hands and not let go. That i am a woman. In our patriarchate world this means i am not fully heard or seen. This makes what i do very difficult, as i have masculine traits myself. As does any person on this world.

I can not let go. Not yet anyway. I still trust myself. Despite what my friends say.

* The image at the top of this post is the duckduckgo images page for searching for the word patriarchate.