Masturbation

In the silent period in my life i spend time living and working offline and gaming. I remember leaving my work in 2011 and starting as a freelancer. I remember when the diagnosis for diabetes was made in 2011. I remember not thinking about the diabetes that much. I remember i stopped drinking alcohol every single day. I remember i stopped smoking January 2008. I lost around ten kilo body weight. I remember playing World of Warcraft a lot. Making friends, raiding together. Having fun.

I remember i masturbated a couple of times in those years. But it felt quite obligatory to be honest. I felt a desire for a relief. It never really happened. I wasn’t thinking of anyone. I wasn’t in love. My life felt empty.

I remember that feeling of that sledgehammer hitting me sometime in October 2014. I remember sitting or standing in the train with my mind racing and my thoughts blowing through me. I remember leaving the temporary job i had in the middle of the country. I remember one of the last days there, when i climbed all the way up to the roof of the high building i was working in, discovering the cleaners sitting there and having something to eat, walking up to the roof and looking out over the Netherlands in this hazy landscape.

I remember my first thoughts: i need to get back to work. I remember the feeling of haste, of NOW! NOW! NOW! Desperately. I remember falling in love. Strangely. Falling out of love. The sadness i felt around Christmas time. It will not happen. Of course not. Silly girl. Stupid silly girl.

I didn’t give up. That time i worked on the about page of lfs.nl and i realised that was going to be the last page of it. Thinking about it for a week. Yes.

I remember starting ellenpronk.com. Which i had for a couple of years. Which i used for work, for the email. For which i had vague plans to make a website for. Of course not!

Hell no. For me, for my own work. Of course!

I was mad. Crazy. My head full.

I still am.

I did masturbate a lot in those early days. Sometimes two or three times a day. I felt this need. This desire. I didn’t have sex with a real person. I did meet some nice men. Thoughts did play through my mind. This one? Or that one? Maybe? But there was always something or someone holding me back. I have learned to control myself a bit. A little bit.

I felt i needed to get somewhere. I needed to look at myself in this world. This crazy crazy world. Much crazier than i am myself. Insane. This jumble of people expressing anything coming in their minds. Strange. Weird.

I did find friends. In the garden. I love working in it, talking with the other people visiting and working there. Looking outside. Sometimes waving to the people walking by, looking in. My peace and quiet. Mostly. I love to cook. This Sunday it is time for the Harvest Feast. I will bake tarts and cookies. Thoroughly enjoy it.

I do think i have grown up. A bit. I hope so. I feel stronger. More aware. Not that i have my story completely ready, no. But still, more of an adult.

I still would love to meet somebody nice. Creative. Someone to talk with. Play chess with. Cook for. Cuddle with. Have sex with. Of course. But my life is my own.

I feel quiet. Over the past few weeks thoughts about this post went through my mind. Sometimes thoughts rushed through me. But now, i feel quiet. And ready. For whatever life will bring to me.

Source: Jean Fautrier drawings for the book L’Alleluiah by Georges Batailles.

Published on September 27, 2019 at 6:00 by

Abbey Road

The album Abbey Road by the Beatles is fifty years old today. To be honest, up until today i thought of Revolver and Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearths Club Band as their best. I’m undecided right now. No idea if ever in my lifetime i will decide which is the best one for me. I do really like this one though 🙂

I watched De Wereld Draait Door Wednesday evening which was devoted to this album entirely.

Come Together

Something

Maxwell’s Silver Hammer

Oh! Darling

Octopus’s Garden

I Want You (She’s So Heavy)

Here Comes The Sun

Because

You Never Give Me Your Money

Sun King

Mean Mr Mustard

Polythene Pam / She Came In Through The Bathroom Window

Golden Slumbers / Carry That Weight / The End

Her Majesty

Published on September 26, 2019 at 6:00 by

Greta Thunberg

I do follow Greta Thunberg on twitter for half a year or more. I admire her dedication and single mindedness. She is so right. The last day i saw her speech at the Climate Action Summit 2019 in the USA. It brought tears to my eyes. Salute!

My message is that we’ll be watching you.

This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be up here. I should be back in school, on the other side of the ocean. Yet you all come to us young people for hope. How dare you? You have stolen my dreams, and my childhood, with your empty words. And yet I’m one of the lucky ones.

People are suffering. People are dying. Entire ecosystems are collapsing. We are in the beginning of a mass extinction, and all you can talk about is money, and fairytales of eternal economic growth. How dare you?

For more than 30 years, the science has been crystal clear. How dare you continue to look away, and come here saying that you’re doing enough, when the politics and solutions needed are still nowhere in sight? You say you hear us and that you understand the urgency. But no matter how sad and angry I am, I do not want to believe that. Because if you really understood the situation and still kept on failing to act, then you would be evil. And that I refuse to believe.

The popular idea of cutting our emissions in half in 10 years only gives us a 50 per cent chance of staying below 1.5 degrees (Celsius) and the risk of setting off irreversible chain reactions beyond human control.

Fifty per cent may be acceptable to you. But those numbers do not include tipping points, most feedback loops, additional warming hidden by toxic air pollution, or the aspects of equity and climate justice. They also rely on my generation sucking hundreds of billions of tons of your CO2 out of the air with technologies that barely exist.

So a 50 per cent risk is simply not acceptable to us — we who have to live with the consequences. To have a 67 per cent chance of staying below a 1.5 degree global temperature rise — the best odds given by the IPCC (Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change) — the world had 420 gigatons of CO2 left to emit back on January 1, 2018. Today that figure is already down to less than 350 gigatons.

How dare you pretend that this can be solved with just “business as usual” and some technical solutions? With today’s emissions levels, that remaining CO2 budget will be entirely gone within less than eight and a half years.

There will not be any solutions or plans presented in line with these figures here today, because these numbers are too uncomfortable. And you are still not mature enough to tell it like it is.

You are failing us. But the young people are starting to understand your betrayal. The eyes of all future generations are upon you. And if you choose to fail us, I say: We will never forgive you. We will not let you get away with this. Right here, right now is where we draw the line. The world is waking up. And change is coming, whether you like it or not. Thank you.

Published on September 25, 2019 at 6:00 by

Bruno Latour

Today, Monday, i went to the library. My first task was copying the recipes from the diabetes 2 book i have borrowed from Emma. I will give the book back this Wednesday.

Secondly i have looked up books written by Bruno Latour this morning on the website of the library. I came across Latour’s name and work by reading the Dutch book Het goede leven en de vrije markt. I intend to write about this book later on. I do need some more time to think about it. For the people who do read Dutch, here is a pdf file with the first 40 pages.

I’m happy i found three Latour books available in the library. There is another one called Science in action in the stockroom of the library. I might get that one later.

The books are:

I do have all the books in dutch. The links are to english translations of the books.

Published on September 24, 2019 at 6:00 by

Planting onions

The Utrechtse uitjes are planted out
The mustard we seeded out two weeks ago as green manure
Potato flowers
Mushrooms
Walnuts
Marjoram
Nice yellow flower
Not sure what flower this is, it looks lovely
A spider
The onions being divided, a job i really loved to do
With the result
An accidentally pulled out parsnip
Published on September 23, 2019 at 6:00 by

Nothing

Nothing much coming out of my hands today. I did go out to lunch in Spirit. I felt so tired i was lying on my bed for an hour or so. I spend some time reading. Thinking about this post.

I’m sorry.

I do hope you have a nice day. Enjoy the weekend. Salute!

Published on September 20, 2019 at 6:00 by

Opposition

17. Sui / Following

above TUI THE JOYOUS, LAKE
below CHêN THE AROUSING, THUNDER

The trigram Tui, the Joyous, whose attribute is gladness, is above; Chên, the Arousing, which has the attribute of movement, is below. Joy in movement induces following. The Joyous is the youngest daughter, while the Arousing is the eldest son. An older man defers to a young girl and shows her consideration. By this he moves her to follow him.

THE JUDGMENT

FOLLOWING has supreme success.
Perseverance furthers. No blame.

In order to obtain a following one must first know how to adapt oneself. If a man would rule he must first learn to serve, for only in this way does he secure from those below him the joyous assent that is necessary if they are to follow him. If he has to obtain a following by force or cunning, by conspiracy or by creating faction, he invariably arouses resistance, which obstructs willing adherence. But even joyous movement can lead to evil consequences, hence the added stipulation, “Perseverance furthers” –that is, consistency in doing right– together with “No blame.” Just as we should not ask others to follow us unless this condition is fulfilled, so it is only under this condition that we can in turn follow others without coming to harm.
The thought of obtaining a following through adaptation to the demands of the time is a great and significant idea; this is why the appended judgment is so favorable.

THE IMAGE

Thunder in the middle of the lake:
The image of FOLLOWING.
Thus the superior man at nightfall
Goes indoors for rest and recuperation.

In the autumn electricity withdraws into the earth again and rests. Here it is the thunder in the middle of the lake that serves as the image–thunder in its winter rest, not thunder in motion. The idea of following in the sense of adaptation to the demands of the time grows out of this image. Thunder in the middle of the lake indicates times of darkness and rest. Similarly, a superior man, after being tirelessly active all day, allows himself rest and recuperation at night. No situation can become favorable until one is able to adapt to it and does not wear himself out with mistaken resistance.

Six in the second place means:
If one clings to the little boy,
One loses the strong man.

In friendships and close relationships an individual must make a careful choice. He surrounds himself either with good or with bad company; he cannot have both at once. If he throws himself away on unworthy friends he loses connection with people of intellectual power who could further him in the good.

°Nine in the fifth place means:
Sincere in the good. Good fortune.

Every man must have something he follows–something that serves him as a lodestar. He who follows with conviction the beautiful and the good may feel himself strengthened by this saying.

Six at the top means:
He meets with firm allegiance
And is still further bound.
The king introduces him
To the Western Mountain.

This refers to a man, an exalted sage, who has already put the turmoil of the world behind him. But a follower appears who understands him and is not to be put off. So the sage comes back into the world and aids the other in his work. Thus there develops an eternal tie between the two.
The allegory is chosen from the annals of the Chou dynasty. The rulers of this dynasty honored men who had served them well by awarding them a place in the royal family’s temple of ancestors on the Western Mountain. In this way they were regarded as sharing in the destiny of the ruling family.

38. K’uei / Opposition

above LI THE CLINGING, FLAME
below TUI THE JOYOUS, LAKE

This hexagram is composed of the trigram Li above, i.e., flame, which burns upward, and Tui below, i.e., the lake, which seeps downward. These tow movements are indirect contrast. Furthermore, LI is the second daughter and Tui the youngest daughter, and although they live in the same house they belong to different men; hence their wills are not the same but are divergently directed.

THE JUDGMENT

OPPOSITION. In small matters, good fortune.

When people live in opposition and estrangement they cannot carry out a great undertaking in common; their points of view diverge too widely. In such circumstances one should above all not proceed brusquely, for that would only increase the existing opposition; instead, one should limit oneself to producing gradual effects in small matters. Here success can still be expected, because the situation is such that the opposition does not preclude all agreement.
In general, opposition appears as an obstruction, but when it represents polarity within a comprehensive whole, it has also its useful and important functions. The oppositions of heaven and earth, spirit and nature, man and woman, when reconciled, bring about the creation and reproduction of life. In the world of visible things, the principle of opposites makes possible the differentiation by categories through which order is brought into the world.

THE IMAGE.

Above, fire; below. The lake.
The image of OPPOSITION.
Thus amid all fellowship
The superior man retains his individuality.

The two elements, fire and water, never mingle but even when in contact retain their own natures. So the sutured man is never led into baseness or vulgarity through intercourse or community of interests with persons of another sort; regardless of all commingling, he will always preserve his individuality.

Published on September 17, 2019 at 6:00 by