Upset and working
A short conversation
Today i sat on a bench with a newspaper i had just been given for free ready to read a bit before i had to go to the practitioners assistant for my diabetes appointment. A man stood still in front of me and said something about Jesus and the Lord. We started a short conversation. I did not agree with him. He told me he once had an experience in a time filled with doubts, that he knelt in his dark room and saw Jesus standing in front of him. He saw the marks on his hands. He gave himself over to him.
Just before i had to go, he told me he would pray for me, wish me luck in a barren time. Something like that.
Thank you!
But i still don’t agree with you.
The books i have read
I have read, half-read, browsed through many books in the course of my life. Most i borrowed from the library. I went through whole sections in the library. In the early 80s i usually went for pychology. I remember reading books by Maslow about his hierarchy of needs. I bought the book Gödel, Escher, Bach written by Douglas Hofstadter and half-read it with much pleasure. At art school i went into the art section of the library and read many books written by art critics and books about artists and their work.
Language was another topic. Orality and Literacy written by Walter J. Ong made me aware the shape of language is dependent on the shape of the tools needed to use it. Written language, typed language, spoken language, sung language are all different. Current society with its many tools to preserve speech and songs is different from societies a hundred years ago. In the early 2000s i bought this book because i wanted to have it near me.
Philosophy, another topic. Many different philosophers from many different ages passed my hands: Plato, Spinoza, Heidegger, Wittgenstein, Foucault. None of which i completely understood, or understood at all, i admit now.
Right now i am in the first part of the history section. Philosophy of history it is called. I just half-read a book written by Jacques R. Pauwels called De grote mythen van de moderne geschiedenis (The great myths of modern history). Not read it thoroughly, no, but still learned about myths we are learned by media especially which are simply not true.
I have learned yes. Slowly. Over the years.
Last week i wrote something about the world being split. One side nature, with the changing of the seasons, the weather, the plants growing and giving fruit and vegetables. The other side the man made world, the world we live in with other people, the world made with texts and interviews and people’s opinions and many many talks and decisions.
I don’t know where i belong. Well, to be honest, i do feel i belong in my own world. But it is very hard and difficult to remain in there. The world is very difficult for people outside of the norm.
I do still trust myself. It is scary, difficult. But yes, i still feel i can turn my life around, make my voice be heard.
Salute!
Houses
Dreams and wishes
My dreams and wishes are a big part of my life. Too big really. I hope one day soon i will be too busy to dream my life away. Too busy talking to people, too busy getting my mind made up. Too busy shaping my life. I can feel my mind changing. Not fast, no. Slowly and steadily, yes. I can feel myself growing up, accepting life as it is.
Today i felt sad. Thinking. About my life. Some tears even.
I hope i’m not wasting my life away.
Salute!
This world
I am living in this world. Our world. I hear the cars driving by outside. I feel the warmth of the air, in late spring. The sound of people talking, the music they listen to while they walk by.
There is also the image of our world shaped by the news, entertainment, books, politics, economics, business. Shaped by people standing on the shoulders of other people. That seems another world. Bigger. More complicated. Different from my own world.
It is difficult for me to get these two worlds together. My own private experience of this world. The image of another world so difficult its almost unimaginable. But i know they are the same.
There is only one world. Each person living on this world experiences it different. Each person lives its own life in this world. Past experiences shape what people expect to happen. We all come into this world with our own web of relationships knitting the fabric of this world together.
It is difficult for me to think of what to write here. I hope i get through this.
Knives
Not knowing
When i started this website, in 2015, it seemed to me i knew more subjects to write about. I wrote quite a few posts in the past years. But lately i am barren. Nothing comes out of me. Nothing i deem worthy. Or so it seems to me.
I do have thoughts, sometimes, who seem of value. Sometimes. Sometimes i read a bit and it inspires me. But when i sit behind my computer, try to think of something worth writing, i feel empty.
I hope there is an end to this feeling. I hope i will find many things to write about. As i once did.
I hope i will learn from this experience.
Fight!
This afternoon i walked to the garden, the Vredestuin. I did not intent to work. I wanted to empty the small compost bin we use in our house. I picked mint leaves for the tea. I did do the dishes, outside, together with Davine. It was great weather, sunny, around 20 degrees Celsius. Springtime greens are abundant. Th trees, shrubs, the cows parsley along the Essenburgsingel, lovely!
I’m thinking, while i walked to the garden. I know i am still living of the money i got for my house. Another year or so. I am reading books, watching youtube videos with many different people talking about the world, about corona, about medicine, about economics. It is difficult to find my own way in this maze of opinions. I don’t know how i will respond if someone asks me questions. I hope i can stay with my own thoughts, stay calm, stay level headed. There are so many things i don’t agree with. Economics, business processes first of all. That is not my world.
I do know i want to fight. Let my thoughts be heard. Ask questions. Fight for this world. So beautiful, so alive. So rare in this universe. The way we treat our world is terrible. The way we treat our fellow humans is terrible.
I’m not the first person to say we need to fight. Of course not. I am simply joining. I hope i’m not too late.
Calling
I do recognize the event of a calling within my life. A calling is amongst other things a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence [source]. I do not consider myself to be religious, but i do value religion. In our current society religion is mostly seen as being old-fashioned, something of a bygone era. I see the many wrong things in religion, but there also many good things within it.
This calling i described has happened a couple of times in my life, the last time in 2014. Since then i let my life go through my hands. I stopped trying to earn a living, i sold my house. I still live on the money i made then.
I am still my own worst enemy. It is very hard for me to believe in this so-called calling. I still don’t. I still refuse. I just want to be myself, live my life in this world, the life meant for me. That i do believe. Our world believes in accidents, coincidences. Nothing is meant to be. I am not sure that is the truth. Even though half of me tries to convince myself that is the case, that is how this world operates. Just chance, nothing of meaning in it.
I do hope you will enjoy the weekend. Make a walk. Smile at people around you. Pat a dog you pass. Or a cat.
Salute!