Author Archives for Ellen

Many questions

This afternoon i went out to get some groceries. I needed salt, which i got from the Gimsel. I also bought there peanut soup for a lost day, a seitan sandwich and a raisin small bread. I met someone i knew there. We had a short talk. I walked on to Harolds, the shop for painting and drawing and all that stuff, close to art school. It was open, but you could only pay with your debit card. Which i had forgotten. So further on to the HEMA.

I wanted to buy some new pens. Just before i walked out i had found out a close friend has become a father over the weekend. I felt so happy with that news! So i checked the toys in the HEMA and finally decided on a small thing to give him one day. Elin is the name of our new world citizen. Lovely!

Going on. I saw the news on the big board at the Beursgebouw, Stay healthy, stay safe! At that moment i felt i was in some kind of dystopian movie. Next two keepers of the peace walked by. Another sign.

It felt so strange. The silent city all around me. Hardly any people on the streets. Everything so bright and sunny. But empty.

And i know, i understand. I do! I get this disease. I get it it is very contagious. But so far – as of today, Monday 20 April, in the Netherlands, the official death number today is 3.751. Two years ago in 2017/2018 there was a surplus of 9.400 influenza deaths in the Netherlands. That is a risk we are used to. That is a risk we take in life. We take it we can die when we step down a stairs, when we drive a car, when we enter a train, when we drink alcohol. Whatever! We know this and we accept this. An accident sits in a small corner. We accept this. We know our environment is not that healthy for us, but we take it.

But this, this corona, this COVID-19, this is too much. It endangers our most vulnerable people. The old, the sick. It is dangerous. We need to close everything down. We need to stay away from each other. The one and a half meter society is upon us. We are scared. Scared to death!

I’m not saying that we should accept this risk as it is. I’m still half convinced that we are doing the right thing. But i do realize there is a limit to this. There is an end date. Definitely.

I have read the post written by Karel Beckman called Nu stoppen met de lockdown – anders raken we onze vrijheid voorgoed kwijt (Stop with the lockdown – else we will loose our freedom indefinitely). It states clearly that a society without risk is a totalitarian society. Risk is a part of our free society. This is a statement i wholeheartedly agree with.

I follow the current situation with utmost interest. And a healthy dose of distrust. And many many questions.

Published on April 21, 2020 at 6:00 by
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A spring walk in the Kralingse Bos

16.276 steps

A long walk today, all around the Kralingse Plas. I enjoyed the singing of the birds, the wind through the young leaves. The bluebells in some parts of the forest. Glorious. I hope someday i know more names of plants. Today i learned the name of the bluebells, boshyacinten in Dutch. It is their time right now. Blossoming in the shady parts of the forest.

Bluebells - boshyacinten

And more bluebells 🙂

One of the few places the wild garlic is growing in the forest

Published on April 20, 2020 at 6:00 by
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The pharmacy

I haven’t done that much today. This morning i watched the briefing of the RIVM (National Institute for Public Health and the Environment) to the Tweede Kamer (House of Representatives). I watched it with interest. Especially the death rate of elder people who live in a nursing home is worrying. Many elder people who are ill and not tested.

I am still thinking about our ‘anderhalvemetersamenleving‘, our one and a half meter society. I understand the rule. I realize all science and medical knowledge favours this rule. I abide by this rule when i do my walks. I often move to the street when i saw someone coming up to me on the sidewalk. Sure.

But we are social beings. We live in a tight fitted community. We love to hug, to hold somebody close, to kiss, to feel the warmth of somebody else close to us, to put our arms around each other. We love to be close. So i can not see how this rule can be held up longer than a few months, if at all. Elder people especially miss their families.

I’m still thinking about this. Troubled about this. Not sure about this.

Ooh, the title of this post! Well, that was my walk today. I went to the pharmacy to get new medications for the next three months.

This evening i picked a card for today. I shuffled the stack of cards beforehand, split it in three parts and made it in one stack and picked the top card: Nine of Pentacles. A good card.

In a general context, the Nine of Pentacles is a great omen to get as it represents success, independence, confidence, freedom, security and stability. It is a Minor Arcana card of abundance, prosperity and wealth gained through hard work, self-discipline and control and self-reliance. It signifies that you have worked very hard to create the success and status you are experiencing and now is the time to enjoy it. So indulge yourself, pamper yourself and enjoy the luxury and contentment your accomplishments bring you. The Nine of Pentacles also signifies beauty, grace, elegance and sophistication so you may find yourself enjoying the finer things in life when it appears. This card also tells you that you have gained maturity and wisdom through your perseverance. If representing a person, it usually represents a strong, confident, independent woman who is beautiful and sophisticated and has worked hard to get where she is.
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Enjoy your weekend. Salute!

Published on April 17, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Gardening and talking and hard work!

This morning i woke up around eight. I did go to the toilet, but got back into bed for a while. I continued watching some Jordan Peterson’s video’s on youtube. Youtube has so many of them. I’m not sure what i think of Jordan Peterson. I haven’t read any of his books. I do think some of the things he is saying makes sense. I’m not a all out feminist myself. Not the way i used to be. But i need to read more from him, about him and watch more videos. And maybe read his book.

I did fall asleep for a short bit after i finished watching this video. I got out of bed around half past nine. Made breakfast, the almond flour and one egg and a spoon of young white cottage cheese. With bacon.

A quarter to eleven i walked to the garden. Lovely weather. Sunshine, not too cold. At the garden the three of us worked on the broad beans, we watered the plants in the greenhouse who were dry, we watered the beets, we harvested some veggies, like rocket, chervil, chard and kale. We talked about corona. We talked about how we enjoyed the quietness in the cities. The clear blue skies. We talked about the birds. The blackbird, male and female looking for something to eat. The great tit whistling on the pole of the entrance.

I made some pictures of the flowers in the garden. The cherry trees all white against the blue sky and the old Shell building.
The hawthorn flowers in the hedge.

I got a call, just towards the end of the working moment. Brian is on his way and he wants compost. Brian gives us his horse manure, so of course he gets it. Still quite a job getting it all out of the compost, in the wheelbarrows and to his trailer. Bit too much i confess. We sort of half managed it.

Slowly i walked back home. I bought a Turkish pizza and ate it back home on the terrace, around half past three. Then i went upstairs and lied down on my bed and watched some youtube videos. I did put my laundry in the washing machine. For dinner i made a salad. I picked some fries from Ted and Assie. Yum!

And now i sit behind my computer writing this post. I will watch Tussen kunst en kitsch, after that i will brush my teeth and go to bed. I’m tired. Tomorrow a new day!

Published on April 16, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Gardening again

This morning i got out of bed around nine. Got out of bed, took in my medication for my diabetes, got dressed and went downstairs and made my breakfast. An oatmeal porridge, with butter and coconut blossom sugar. Lovely.

I went through my usual sources: my rss list reader, facebook, youtube, flipboard. A bit of Stardew. Around half past eleven i went to the supermarket and got a few things: chicken, oatmeal, cream, chocolate, tomato soup.

Back home i went upstairs for bit and played more Stardew. Around one i got down again and made me some lunch: two thin crackers with a spicy chicken curry and minced meat. And a cup of tomato soup. I went upstairs again and wrote the e-mail i got from Hilde in a booklet to bring with me to the garden. I am coronadinator, i need to take care of the people and the tasks. I dressed for the garden and went out, around a quarter to two. I talked with Hilde over the phone while i walked to the bara place on the Zwartjanstraat where i ordered a small bara with chicken curry.

When i got to the garden i made some photos of the blossoming tulips standing close. I opened the kitchen and when i looked outside i saw Lenka and someone else coming down with some buckets filled with plants: the strawberries and eternal leeks we will be planting in the garden. It was good to see them. I talked a bit with Jules – not his real name, but i keep forgetting his name and started to call him Jules, a name he seems to like :). We talked about the current situation, the corona thing whooshing around. Sometimes being ok, sometimes scared, he said.

I don’t feel scared myself. My life has changed so much, i don’t work anymore, i’m still looking for what i want to do, ideas form slowly in my mind. Being scared is not part of my life anymore.

Vlada came, she is the one person working in the garden together with me. So happy we both were to be in the garden once again. Such a lovely feeling. So quiet in the city. We talked about that. The clearer air, hardly any traffic, trains, trams, busses. It feels wonderful. Like a dream.

I had watered the plants in the greenhouse. We started to clear the bed for the broad beans of weeds. We planted out the seedlings in a single row in the middle. The plants are huge! Twenty thirty centimeters! We finished one bed, leaving another one for tomorrow. Tomorrow i will be working in the garden again.

I took a photo of the plants we removed from the bed. Pretty sure it is a weed, but i am curious. I just posted a question on facebook. Maybe someone will recognize the plant.

A small second job is planting out the strawberries in the other part of the garden. We didn’t do all of them, we stopped working at five. We had already closed the greenhouse, we put back all the tools in the work shed. I said goodbye, see you next week!

Walking back home i bought a vegetarian chicken burger an McDonalds. One time this year!

Back home i ate tow more thin crackers with minced meat and mustard. I watched the news and the show after that called M for a bit.

I pulled a tarot card for the day. Temperance. I like this one.

On the Temperance card, there is an angel with wings, whose gender is not immediately obvious, which suggests that there is a balance between the sexes. One foot of the angel is in water, to represent the subconscious, while the other foot is on dry land, a representation of the material world. On her robe, there is a square, which has a triangle inscribed inside, another echo of the tangible earth in union with the holy trinity. She holds two cups in a manner where she can mix the waters, which represent the super and subconscious minds. The water flows between them, suggesting union and infinity.

Everything about this card represents balance, the perfect harmony that comes from the union of dualities. Her advice is to test any new waters, before jumping into the deep end.

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Tomorrow at eleven i will be working at the garden again. Happy!

Published on April 15, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Forget me not

Around nine i got out of bed. I took my medicine, put on some stay-at-home clothes, went downstairs and started to make breakfast. Pancakes with almond flour, one egg and some cream. Bacon sizzling in the pan, the thick batter on top of it and a slow cook for around five to seven minutes. I let out Robin. The moment i came down he looked at me from the bed he was lying on and walked quickly to the door of the terrace. Out! Out!

I ate my breakfast watching stuff on my iPad. Some links, some youtube clips, some facebook. A bit of Stardew Valley. I felt a bit lazy.

Assie and Ted appeared. I made some tea and drank it with a bit of pure chocolate. It was a bit chillier than yesterday.

For lunch i made a salad with spinach, some cherry tomatoes, half a bell pepper and a boiled egg. Yum. I went out for a short walk. An hour or so. I had my coat and a scarf on. In the sunshine i opened my coat, but in the shade and the wind i closed it all again. Chill.

Home again. I went upstairs. More Stardew. More youtube.

And my mind is running. I’m kissing someone, in my mind. Holding hands with someone. Smiling. I can not let it go. I talk to people, in my mind.

It is so close. So near. I don’t know what to do – or rather – i am afraid. Afraid to fail. Which is nonsense of course. I just have to be myself. Just have to be relaxed. Just have to pay attention to everything outside. No worry about me. I’m fine. I’m good. Outside is the place i need to worry about.

I was just lying on my bed, playing a bit. The thought of what wrote was on my mind. No, this is not what i want to say. This is not what i really really want. Of course i wish for love and friendship. Of course. And friendships i do have. Maybe not the best and most special kind, but still. I know many people who are kind and loving and do their best to live the best life they can. Am i doing that? Can i honestly say that?

That tarot card i picked yesterday, the heart with the three swords going through it, it shows unhappiness. Last Saturday i had a talk with Ted about my present situation. The pain i felt. The sadness of loosing my house. I felt tears in my eyes. I still remember the rooms, the kitchen, the bathroom, my sleeping room, my working place. I felt the joy of staying there, so close to the center. I felt the joy of living so close to the water. The quietness of the street. The view on the park on the other side of the water.

I don’t know what lies in future for me. I can only do my best. I can only try and pick the best road to travel. Do what feels right to me. Not be impatient. Especially not that.

I have to let it all go. Keep the memories. But live on, and try to make the best of it. As i know i can.

Published on April 14, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Eastern

Today's walk. The same road there and back. At the Eekhoorn i bought an icecream 🙂
This afternoon just for my walk i shuffled the tarot cards and picked one for today. A heart, pierced with three swords.

The kievitsbloem, the fritillary
The kievitsbloem, the fritillary

Fluffy 🙂

Published on April 13, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Some youtube videos

I usually go to bed early. I do read facebook, posts, twitter, youtube. I like this. Here are some clips i came across the past few days, for your enjoyment.

I love watching Gardeners’s World. Here are this years first couple of episodes:

Published on April 10, 2020 at 6:00 by
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My sleep

I don’t sleep very well. I know, i should not watch movies and television series on my iPad while i lie in bed. It is better to read. But it is hard to resist.

When i turn out the light, i usually switch to my right side. Then i turn around to my left side. Then i turn to lying on my back.

I think about sex. About love. About loving sex. Sometimes i masturbate, but usually not.

Sometimes i turn on the lights again. Play a bit of Stardew Valley, my favourite game of the last two weeks. Then i turn down the lights again, once more. Tossing and turning.

This is difficult. Last night it felt i fell asleep only half past five. I am not sure of this, it could be i was asleep earlier. I simply don’t know.

And all i think about is love. Someone to love. Someone to love me, to enjoy life with. To live life as open as possible. Garden, sing, dance, cook, talk and smile and laugh with.

Not so easy.

My card of today. A torrent of emotions has separated me from home. The past days i have thought about all my things, my furniture, my books, my records, my cd’s, my cooking stuff stacked in the storage facility. Feeling sad when i think abut this. Feeling like i have already lost this. Which i haven’t. But still.

It is difficult to find a good way to move forward in. Right now.

Five of Cups Description
Arcan: Low arcane
Element: Water, female, passive energy – emotions

There are sure Tarot playing cards whose imagery without delay conjure up negative feelings, and the Five of Cups consists of such weight. This is a card which indicates loss as well as the painful demanding situations which stem from that unique loss.

The card depicts a figure that is wearing a black cloak. The man or woman hides his face in what seems to be despair. There are 5 cups at the ground, 3 of that have fallen whilst the opposite two remain status. The individual, however, appears to observe that there are two status cups as is simply too busy mourning over those which can be fallen. There is a effective river which flows between him and a house or a castle in the distance, indicating that a torrent of emotions have separated him from home.

Five of Cups meaning
The Five of Cups symbolizes disappointment, and the feelings that come when things go otherwise as you expected. You are feeling sad that a sure situation hasn’t clearly became out the manner you have was hoping it would. Instead of transferring in the direction of a more superb perspective, this card seems to mention which you are dwelling within the beyond, inducing emotions of self-pity and regret. The water which is simply spilled from the cups shows which you would possibly have overlooked an opportunity. It also shows that the trouble is often emotional and now not material or financial.

Instead of transferring toward a more fine perspective, this card seems to say which you are dwelling inside the past, inducing emotions of self-pity and regret.

The which means of the Five of Cups suggests that you can have certain issues letting go of things that are within the past. What is more, it also suggests that you are unwilling to analyze from mistakes which you have already committed. The card is regularly going to reflect a person who is so stuck up in his beyond that he is truly incapable of moving on. This way that he has a high danger of lacking out on what new joys that the future can bring.

Published on April 8, 2020 at 6:00 by
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