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Author Archives for Ellen
My own worst enemy
It is hard to feel free. Independent. Not following the rules so many people feel are directing their lives. Free to laugh, to talk, to be angry, to fight for what is right. I am my own worst enemy.
I am still standing in one point, pivoting around. Not sure which way to move into. I think fantasies are holding me back, keeping me bolted here. I need to let go.
I hope i can get somewhere. I hope i can defeat myself. Give myself something worthwhile to do.
I feel confused. Not happy with the life i have here. Not sure of what i want. Standing still.
My apologies for this terrible confused post. Tomorrow i will feel better, hopefully.
Queen
Adult
I am a slow grower. In my early years i grew sort of average. But in my twenties it was clearer. I had sex with someone when i was twenty-eight years old. A bit late. After that short time of only two months of having a boyfriend i decided that the next time i would like to be really in love. Not that i didn’t enjoy that first friendship, but it didn’t feel like i was in love at the time.
Then I didn’t understand the concept of being in love. I am not even sure if i completely understand it right now. When i was younger it was a mixture of physical attraction and a feeling of admiration and adoration. I am not sure i can actually describe what it felt like at that time to feel in love.
My years of solitude, described in Eight years of silence, are still so important to me. A stop to my work on lfs.nl, a stop to seeing my old friends, a massive World of Warcraft playing addiction. No love in that time for me.
At the end of these eight years i did fell in love. It was completely imaginary. All in my head. It was physical too. But, not real. A safe escape from the more ordinary, daily reality of being in love with somebody who loves you back. Something i until this day have not experienced with somebody else.
The past years i did fall in love with men i met, mostly from the garden. But those were short time experiences, lasting only a few months at the longest. Nice men, yes. But it didn’t stick to me. I learned every time though.
So here i am, 56 years old for only a couple of weeks more. So many things i have not experienced. Never been truly in love in a happy relationship. I have never had children. Something i had to deal with.
But over the past five years i did grow on. I felt it. Sometimes i fell back, sometimes i stumbled. But i did grow. This past year, in which i lived in rooms in other people’s houses, was a learning experience.
This will not stop. Until i die that is. Every single day each person can learn something new, big or small.
I do hope one day i will meet someone i will fall in love with and who will fall in love with me. But that is not the story of my life. The story of my life is me struggling and trying and failing against all hope. For the past fifty-six years.
Entrance
Present
A present i got from my then best friend, this Lego miniature with a little girl and a glass and a cat and a stove and flowers and parasol in the back. So me. Then.
Over the past year i went to my house storage and brought more things there. This Lego present i kept. It is small of course. But it also means a lot to me. A gift from a good friend.
You might already know this little piece. Well, a bit of repetition doesn’t matter in my world. It is standing in front of the television these past weeks, visible while i watch some film. All the time.
Snowwalk
Snow ahead
It is gonna be cold. Freezing temperatures. The coldest days predicted are Tuesday and Wednesday next week, around -7ºC / -2ºC during the daytime. Snow is also predicted, Sunday especially there is a 90% chance on snow, and quite a lot of it. A good day for a walk to make photographs.
I usually watch for weather predictions on knmi.nl.
I am still happy with the post i wrote yesterday. It is hard to keep on my subject, i needed a break halfway to get my thoughts together. Apart from the first sentence i wrote the entire post yesterday.
Enjoy your weekend. Salute!
Contagious
I am not afraid to get infected with the corona virus. Most of the time i am alone. I make walks outside all by myself. I work in the garden outside where there are limited possibilities of infection. Inside i’m rarely with other people.
The COVID-19 virus is contagious. Most of us have learned in the past year what the the letter R stands for in epidemiology, if it is above 1 the disease will spread, if it is below 1 the disease will diminish. Right now there are several mutations spreading which have different contagious affects, the British, South-African and Brazilian mutation right now. The virus itself is constantly mutating. A new one can be around any time.
The current de-missionary minister of Health Hugo de Jonge was on the Dutch television answering questions about one of the current scandals in the Netherlands, the one about the security issues with data concerning people who have been tested for corona. He said that this is an unprecedented pandemic. Unprecedented.
There is a Wikipedia page with a list of all known epidemics sofar called List of epidemics. Some are small, like the 2020 novel bunyavirus outbreak in China with only 7 deaths. Others are big, like the COVID-19 pandemic worldwide with 2.2 million+ deaths so far.
But the COVID-19 pandemic is not the biggest one. There is an even bigger one currently. The HIV/AIDS pandemic from 1981 till the present has cost 35 million+ deaths so far. The influenza pandemic (‘Spanish flu’) from 1918 till 1920 cost 17 – 100 million deaths. The Third plague pandemic from 1855 till 1960 worldwide cost 12 million+ deaths. And then the one still lingering in our memory, the Black Death. From 1346 till 1353 in the areas Europe, Asia and North-Africa the Bubonic plague cost 75 to 200 million deaths, 10% till 60% of the European population.
To say the current COVID-19 pandemic is unprecedented means an unawareness of the major role diseases have played in human history for the past thousands of years. A role which will grow with the current globalization, flight movements and the destruction of nature worldwide.
Feeling safe and secure seems to me the leading motive in the current medical governmental strategies in the Netherlands, in western Europe and worldwide. This is war! We fight! We will not let this virus thingy win!
All the voices appear in the current channels of transmission: the news, twitter, facebook, the papers, the talk shows. It is extremely difficult to make up your own mind is this deafening cacophony. Me, i do my best. That is all.
I remember in April or May 2020 while walking on a street i smelled a lovely scented rose. Someone on a bike passed and yelled to me ‘hey! you will get corona from that!’ I was dumbfounded. In what world do we live where in we can not enjoy the flowers blooming and smell their enchanting scent.
Life is so worth living, so valuable, so ultimately enjoyable, so full of surprises. Yes, life is also full of failures and decay and rottenness. Life is a treasure to be cherished in all aspects.
It is difficult, of course. Not to me to make decisions. But i do think about current events and try to understand what my position is in these.
I am not closing this post with a cheering shout out yelling ‘this is the way to go’. No, i keep on thinking and puzzling. There are more thoughts hidden inside my head. Happy to see them coming outside!
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