Strolling through the Kralingse Bos
Author Archives for Ellen
47. Looking far
You don’t have to go out of the door
to know what goes in the world.
You don’t have to look out of the window
to see the way of heaven.
The farther you go,
the less you know.
So the wise soul
doesn’t go, but knows;
doesn’t look, but sees;
doesn’t do, but gets it done.
Source: Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu
Translated by Ursula K. Le Guin
Published on November 15, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
Categorised in: Books, films and TV
My choices
All the choices i made have defined my life. Minor choices, major choices. Go left or right. Work or don’t work. Sell my house.
One choice was to get back to working online. I stopped in 2006. At first hesitant, but within a couple of years working online grew more to the background, till it turned out of sight. In October 2014 i got back into it.
So, here I am. Not entirely sure which way is the best. The only way forward I see is to follow my own heart. Which is a bit scary, truth be told. But i think i can handle myself. Finally.
I made a few javascript presents. Experimenting a bit, getting a feel for the field. In January 2015 i wrote a post called About. That was it. My last present on lfs.nl.
And now it is November 2021. I have sold my house, almost four years ago. I lived of the money i made then up until now. Sometimes i think i should have rented a room in my old house, or have waited a while and made much more money. But that is all in the past, long gone. I gotta deal with what i have done in the past, not regret the decisions i have made. No use.
The past weeks, ever since i moved into this house i am living in for now, i was lying awake a couple of hours each night, feeling afraid of what is lying ahead of me. Despair. The feeling of the coming time as a time destitute of meaning, me loosing everything i have, me living on the streets.
During the days i felt better. But at night these anxious feelings crept over me. This week though it was less. The idea of writing a post which will spread over the world is still in me. I’m not sure this post is what i had in mind. I gotta let go for a bit to write something i think is valuable.
I am not going into working at the garden anymore. I do visit sometimes, usually at Fridays. Tomorrow, Friday, i will be going there. I will drink a cup of tea and then i will go to Spirit and drink some coffee or eat smething and read a newspaper. I try to keep things normal as long as possible.
It does feel i am crawling further. Slow to the ground. Keeping aware of a couple of things that gets mentioned on facebook and twitter. Aware that for most people this world is like a hellhole. And other people unaware of that. I am not sure which way to go.
It is odd to me that i haven’t found a boyfriend over the years. It’s not i do need a boyfriend, i am at ease on my own. But over the years i have felt attracted to some people. It just never worked out. And i outgrew each time i fell for somebody. The last time i fell something for somebody is years ago. And still, i’d love to be with somebody. Someone to talk with, cuddle with, cook for, kiss with, have sex with. But i am picky.
I still hope i will find someone. Will find some happiness in this world. Will find work i enjoy doing. Hopefully.
Square and a bit more
I made a start with a post i will post tomorrow evening. I hope i can get my thoughts together. I’m happy i made a start with the post today, it gives me a direction in which to look for something worth mentioning.
Sketch
Outside
I just made a roundabout walk to the supermarket. I bought toilet paper, baking sheets, rasped mozzarella, salami, black olives, cream and black peppercorns. Today i’m gonna make pizza! I have a recipe for a fathead pizza, with almond flour, cheeses and an egg. And some salt. With a topping of salami, tomato and cheese. Maybe some sun dried tomatoes on top as well. I bought those last week.
I’ll make a photo!
I am leaving 1/3 of the pizza till tomorrow. I’m quite full now. Enjoy today!
At home
A Sunday at home. A bit of sunshine in the morning. Reading Hyperion. It is quiet in this house. The living room is at the back. I look up into the trees. Some yellow leaves, but the tree right in front of my house still has many green leaves. A blackbird. Coal tits. Great tits. The past few weeks in the afternoon i saw parakeets flying around. They are lovely green. But not a very good song. More like shouting. I also saw a jay flying around a few weeks ago. At least i think it was.
Sometimes i hear the neighbours. Tapping water, talking a bit. In the evening i may hear music. Not that much though.
I love this place.
Time passing
Reading the book Guns, Germs and Steel made me aware of the continuous speeding up of time worldwide. As figure 1.1 shows, human beings came into existence aruond 7 million years ago. Six million years later they spread out towards South West Asia, India and the south part of China. Half a million years later humans spread out towards Europe. Time is counted in millions of years, then ten thousand years, than thousands of years. Now in 2021 it is counted in days, seconds even.
We have spread out all around this earth we live on. This green and blue planet, this fertile soil we claim as our right, our property. Ours to do with as we please.
It is not right. We have to take care of this planet with so much more care. We lost our innocence a couple of hundred years ago, and i’m taking a rough guess here. It’s greed and selfishness which does make things worse. Unbelievable.
Published on November 5, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
Categorised in: Books, films and TV
Better
Today i made a walk into town, just like i said i would yesterday. I didn’t sleep too well, but i did woke up a bit later, around a quarter to eight. Slowly getting into winter time.
I did start thinking better thoughts once i was outside. The sun was shining. Halfway i thought i walk past the new Boymans building, which will open Friday. I will go inside once it is open, i’m sure. Curious to see it in full display.
It does take me more energy to keep myself on track. I don’t always get there. Maybe it is because i need to sort out myself. Yes, i think that is my main problem. I know i was always a bright child. In school i really enjoyed myself, from the lower school to art school. But even at the technical university i enjoyed myself. After that was when the hard part started. Working for the first five years was good. But i got slowly worse. Till i stopped. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I wanted to find my own way of living in this world. I still do. I still do!
I am not giving up. No way.
Staying at home
Almost four weeks i spend in this house here, where i am living now. It is not a peaceful experience. I do enjoy it, sure. But i am also aware of my money slowly but surely getting less.
It is not enough. Not yet. I’m still not bright enough to get it out of my mind and on this computer. Sometimes i feel this spark of something. Like early last week, after i got home from visiting my mothers. I felt different then. But it turns back to normal.
I look around here, right now. Part of me doesn’t recognize the place i am right now. Another part is already used to this place. There are so few things of me here. The barest minimum.
I walk around this house reading the titles of the books standing all around me. Some i like to read, sure. Still so many things to learn. It never stops, luckily.
Tomorrow i will make a walk. Rain or not. Maybe i walk to the library, get a new book. Young adult section. Ha!